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Facing the Facebook
I was checking a website last night when the history loaded Facebook for me, which Angus joined to swap photos of the horrific 1980's fashions with his equally fashion-challenged friends. I did some searching and found loads of people that I used to know. It was a real blast from the past, and I hesitated contacting anyone because I lost custody of everyone in my first divorce (God, I cringe. First divorce implies more than one. I've been divorced more than once. Hang on - lemme' fix my bra strap and flick my cigarette before the ashes fall in my two day old coffee.)
It was so strange finding all these people that I almost-but-not-quite forgot. There they were - the same faces, only it's just as though we've all filled out a bit. Incredibly, everyone looked American. I'm not sure why this was incredible to me, we are talking Dallas, Texas after all, but you could look at the thumbnails and the people were all absolutely Yanks. I don't know what it is, but you can spot an American at 20 paces. It's not like their photos all had them wearing those lame passport pouches around their necks, no one was wearing a baseball cap, you couldn't make out the Blackberry or mobile phone slung from the belt like a high-tech 6 shooter, all of which are mistakes only Americans make. But there they were. Americans. Couldn't have been anything else.
It was strange, this walk through the past. Here were people I spent loads of time with, all of them in one place, all of them collecting one another. Almost all of the women were married. Fifty percent of the thumbnails had people cradling babies and toddlers. And all but a few of them were still where I had left them - in Dallas, aging and growing up.
I hesitated joining - I hate this kind of thing. Sign your wall? Never. Sign my own wall? I just did that, then I hung kitchen cupboards over it. Join Facebook? Then my ex-husband (the first one. Pardon me while I get my highlighter and my TV Guide) could see where I am. And that's something I haven't let on about, not ever.
In the divorce I was the baddie, see. We both had affairs, proving that two wrongs just make things wrong-er, it's just that my affair was the one made public. Everyone knew about poor cuckolded Ragu Boy. Nasty Helen. Mean, horrible, slutty Helen. She deserves to get cutoff. More than that, she deserves to have people try to get her fired (they did try, and they did fail), to seize her credit (he got that), to stalk her (endlessly), to slash her tires (repeatedly), and to just generally make her afraid to go out alone. I got all that. And it affected me, it's true. But years later, one of the chaps who helped Ragu Boy stalk me came up to me and apologized.
I love that his conscience was eating him. I hope he lost sleep over it. Yes, karma, you owe me that much.
And now? I'm not afraid. I think if my ex showed up on my property (which he wouldn't) I would laugh, ridicule his penis size, and then ask him to leave in my best Texas accent, which would naturally include the words "get off a my land!" He can't scare me anymore.
So why not join Facebook? There's a guy there that I knew very well, who is now living and working in China. Unbelievably, he seems to have a good reputation. I wonder if people know he borrowed my "Woman's Body" anatomy book and when he gave it back some of the pages were stuck together.
There's another chick I know, who went on to live in New York City and open a prenatal yoga clinic. She wrote up about her birthing experience, how she eschewed being "wired up" and she and her husband slow danced, groaned together, and tried to envision floating space roses when her contractions came.
Um...ok.
I wonder at what people will think if they see my name. Nasty Helen. Evil Helen. Look at how presumptuous she is - living in London. As if. And part of me wants to create an identity and say Look at me. I am living in London. I have a life that I enjoy (most of the time, I hasten to add.) I wear a size 8 now, which I never did when you knew me.
Then I smack my forehead. Like people will think about these things. This was over 15 years ago. Time moves on. People don't care about me or the scandals of my time.
I create my profile. And I send a message to my old friend in China, the one who still has my "Woman's Body" book (I let him keep it because, the idea of unsticking the pages didn't really appeal.) And I check on groups and let the past take me for a ride - Lincoln Square. The children's theatre that I religiously attended and which all roads seemed to converge. Harrigan's Steakhouse. Taylor's Bookstore. Hondas and shag carpet and surgery.
This isn't going to become my new thing, it was just a walk through hallways I hadn't been down in a long, long time. I held my head up. I have just as much right to walk there as anyone else. And it was all ok. The past isn't so painful sometimes.
Even if the past isn't where you left it.
-H.
PS-my site is having issues. If you can't view it properly, can you comment here and let me know, as well as what web browser you're using? Apparently in Firefox it's fine, it's IE that's a problem.
Posted by Everydaystranger at August 22, 2008 08:24 AM • TrackBack .http://blog2.mu.nu/cgi/trackback.cgi/250075
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Oh yeah, facebook is great for peeking into each other's current lives. I have found friends that I would never have found before and had to dodge some that I never wanted to have contact with again. And, I fight the urge everyday to add my son's grandpa, my ex-father-in-law, because I think he should be more involved in his grandson's life but he just doesn't seem to care enough to try.
If you need another friend...add merelymel13...
Oh, Facebook (which I refer to as "FaceGame" in homage to my high-school's official pasttime of smacking people in faces 'round corners...hey, Southern New Hampshire was boring, okay?) I'm always outraged when people insinuate that I use it for non-school-related activities. And then I realize what a completely massive dork I am.
Awkward Facebook moments include:
"How's your mom?" / "She's dead. And yours?"
"Brian has listed you as his former girlfriend of two years. Confirm?" / "I never dated Brian. I hate Brian. Brian is a burnout and we spoke all of three words in the two years we went to the same school."
"So, you're out of the closet, eh?" / "No, actually."
"Julie has quoted you on her wall as having made remarks about your period, featuring colorful language and mentions of tiny 'uterus elves'."
"Your friend's mother has listed you as a friend. Confirm?" / "My friend's mom is sixty and I'm pretty sure that's officially into creepy territory."
Excellent times.
Posted by: D at August 24, 2008 06:05 AM@ Donna - realize I may have come across as snobby in the post, and I apologize for that. I don't know what it is, but as soon as you land at an airport in the States you see the men with their mobile devices hooked onto their belt. Over here, I have yet to see someone use one (doesn't mean they don't, I just never see it. And I work in telecoms.) I think most people have them in their pocket or bag here.
Posted by: Helen at August 23, 2008 07:26 PMNo problems with the site today (FF 2.0.0.16). Last time I was here, the colors were all different from usual, though.
Dumb question, but how do the suave and worldly Europeans carry their Blackberries or mobile phones if not in a holster thing? I generally keep mine in my purse OR leave it at home by accident, which makes it much less useful.
Posted by: Donna at August 23, 2008 11:24 AMI just met all of that in person, at my 50th high school reunion, except my counterpart to your first husband is dead of liver disease (drank himself to death). Still, it is good to face the demons of the past (and you might even be able to de-demonize them....LOL)
Posted by: kenju at August 23, 2008 03:45 AMAh the good, the bad and the ugly all rolled into FB. I love it and I hate it. It's an addiction. I've seen people on there that I never ever wanted see or hear from again and I've seen people on there that I am delighted to see and catch up. Some people I scratch my head as I can hardly remember them, but they seem to remember me. It's good, bad, and ugly but and online necessity that I can't seem to live without nor make social plans without consulting it. A little FYI about FB everything you post is stored on their server forever.
Posted by: Sk at August 22, 2008 09:15 PMThe trouble with Facebook is that, try as you might, the online and real worlds collide. You may have a watertight online identity, but try and talk to your old mates, and you have to reveal the real life self, one way or another. Facebook has certainly made me think hard about what I say online...
Oh, and FF3.0.1 - no problems here.
Posted by: Steve at August 22, 2008 08:35 PMI was having trouble with the site in FF 3.0.1 last night but not today. Strange.
As for that trip down memory lane? I was considered one of the "popular" people - but really, I was an introvert in a goddamn cheerleader's suit.
I have those sites but only to keep up with my elder sons, certainly not to reminisce with people from then. I told those people before I graduated "You better remember me as I am now, 'cause I ain't comin' back."
(In my best Texas accent.)
Newp. In the words of Nick from The Big Chill: "Wrong, a long time ago we knew each other for a short period of time; you don't know anything about me."
Posted by: Margi at August 22, 2008 07:59 PMI had very similar feelings when I joined facebook and myspace. I learned that the halls were the same halls I walked, but it was ME who was different.
Posted by: Lauren at August 22, 2008 07:27 PMIt is bizarre to see people you once knew on Facebook. I found my boyfriend from when I was 15. It made me feel so old. I'm 34. More than double the age I was when I dated him. It's such a strange idea--Facebook. I haven't quite gotten it yet. I keep using it, waiting for it to click.
Posted by: Mel at August 22, 2008 05:35 PMI'm on facebook under my online name. Somewhat terrified to go on facebook with my real name. Too many things I am glad to leave behind. I admire you for taking the bull by the horns.
Posted by: caltechgirl at August 22, 2008 04:52 PMI really don't like mu.nu. They suspend my commenting abilities all the time.
I'm in IE 7.0.5 and it works fine.
Posted by: Jen (aaron-n-jen.com) at August 22, 2008 04:20 PMI'ev got IE7 and it looks the same as it always does.
I joined Facebook at one point, but I don't think I've signed in for months. I should check that.
Posted by: Jen at August 22, 2008 03:37 PMI don't use any of those things, but I can see why people do. The truth is I am just too lazy to mess with any of it, and I don't really care what most of the people I went to high school with are doing. The ones I care about I still see and talk too-the rest don't matter to me-not angry at them or anything-just don't care if I see them. High school was just something I had to do to get to college. I lived at home during the college years and didn't really make any new friends-study partners and stuff, but nobody I can remember.
My circle is small, but I like it. And yeah, since my kids go to the same school I went too, I see plenty of my old classmates and their kids on a daily basis. You're right-sometimes karma can be a bitch....or misbehaved children.
Posted by: Teresa at August 22, 2008 02:55 PMI was a total Facebook freak when I got into it a few years ago just to keep up with former classmates and current members of my fraternity. And for me, anyone who dissed and disrespected me in real life are no Facebook friends. If you ever sign in, I'd love to be your friend there.
Oh and I'm using FF3 and your site looks fine.
Posted by: Ernie E at August 22, 2008 02:09 PMI used to eat at the El Chico's across from Lincoln Square every Saturday, followed always by a trip to the used bookstore that was across from the fountain.
Sometimes how small of a world it is blows me away.
And, I think you're right - the Harrigans on Copeland and on the frontage road are both closed.
I've been doing similar traipsing down memory lane with facebook lately. It's shocking to see how much some things have changed and yet others are stuck in the same place they were when I left.
Posted by: April at August 22, 2008 02:05 PM@ Steff - I used to work there-it was part of my horrific waitressing past. At the one in Arlington, across from what became Barnes and Noble. I think Harrigan's is gone now? Not sure. Anyway, the wait staff used to hot the cheese muffins.
Now I want some cheese muffins.
Posted by: Helen at August 22, 2008 01:58 PMPast is just that for me. But you said, Harrigan's good grief that sure brings up some memories! :-)
Posted by: steff at August 22, 2008 01:55 PMI absolutely hate facebook. Then again, there is literally nobody from school I care to run into again. Nothing bad about them, overall, they were just all very...into themselves.
My walk down memory lane was taking my daughter to her freshman orientation - at the same school I attended. Boy, did that both bring back a ton of memories AND make me feel old!
Posted by: Tracy at August 22, 2008 01:22 PMI totally got sucked into Facebook. I worked at a summer camp over 10 years ago and now to see all "my" little campers all grown up is crazy. If you ever create a Helen Facebook make sure to add me as a friend. (I know - I am a Facebook loser lol)
Posted by: Lee at August 22, 2008 12:56 PMI'm good at Yank-spotting myself. Why just the other night I was watching Secret Millionaire (I fucking love that show, shut up), and I could tell within half of a second that the rich guy's wife was American. When she spoke and let loose the familiar dulcet tones of our accent, I raised my hands in victory. We're just so...obvious. That said, I can also spot British people when I'm in the US. I am clearly very talented.
I'm on Facebook, mainly to keep tabs on people from my past. It has it's weird moments though - one of my husband's students (who I've never met) friend requested me a few weeks ago. How creepy is that?
Posted by: MsPrufrock at August 22, 2008 12:50 PMIE was giving me issues yesterday, but it seems okay now. Firefox never gave me a problem.
I too sometimes look up people I once knew just to see where they are today, but I'll never join Facebook or Myspace, there are a lot of doors I'd just as soon leave shut. Part of my problem is that I dwell in the past too much and have trouble moving on. I'd much rather be another anonymous face in the blogosphere, where I can pick and choose who gets to know what about me, rather than be faced with earlier dispensations of myself.
Posted by: diamond dave at August 22, 2008 12:18 PMim using ie mobile. no idea if this will work, but can see your site fine. sorry for bad grammar - typing on phone.
Posted by: melanie at August 22, 2008 12:17 PMsite looks just fine to me.
I'm on facebook. It's a time-sucker, but it's better than MySpace.
Everyone from my high school seems to be on a "friending" kick this week. Not only have I gotten 20 friend requests from people I haven't seen in 16 years, but these people use Facebook IM. Good god, why does it need to have an instant-messaging feature? Now I simply just update my status with my cell phone and nobody has access to me. If we weren't friends back then, WTF do we have to say to each other now?
Of course, I also had one of those love-of-my-life types send me a friend request. That was good for a few days of wondering why he married HER and not ME.
Ah, the joys of walking down memory lane ...
Posted by: dawn at August 22, 2008 11:31 AMMy sister just talked me into signing up for facebook also. She was showing me all of the people we knew growing up in Georgia that are her "friends" online now. It's fun to look around, but I can only seem to remember to check it once every few days which is still more frequently than the once every few months that I check myspace.
Posted by: Erin at August 22, 2008 11:13 AMI was having trouble last night with IE, but, this morning no problem.
Posted by: Katy at August 22, 2008 10:58 AMAbout 15 minutes ago, the site was all blue letters against blue background. Comments = no problem.
Now the site looks as it does usually- but comments section blue on blue. Nice blue, though :-)
It's IE 6.0.
L