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Maybe Makes Sense Only To Me
Sometimes you want to reach out and ask the universe for help. You wonder if you shout, if anyone will hear you, if anyone will come. But your problems aren't the universe's problem and your shouts get lost in the fog that surrounds the worlds and worlds of other problems and questions.
You wonder about strength, you wonder why people talk about it so much. Why do people talk about having it, about achieving it, about acquiring it, when the truth is they had it anyway. They did and you did and we did and sometimes strength isn't what you're looking for after all. It's something more. It's the knowledge to know that some things are beyond you. It's the acceptance that your shouts at the universe will go unheard, that the questions you demand answers for will remain unresolved.
This then is the battle.
That and looking yourself in the mirror and knowing that where you are is the result of your actions. If you are able to look your eyes in the mirror then you can proceed. If you can't meet your gaze, then something's not right. Maybe you fucked up. Maybe it's the world that fucked up. But if you look away then you're giving in.
But really the problem is you've changed, and now the reflection in the mirror isn't the one you have in your mind's eye. The universe has changed you. Your decisions have changed you. Something happened to you and you'll never be the same now, and perhaps it's difficult to incorporate that into the image you see staring back at you.
And when bitterness floods your throat and winter wind rattles through your bones you stop asking the universe your questions. It's not a good companion, anyway. It never answers you back. You're sick of the sly mysticism, the flirtatious silence.
You continue taking the medication to stop yourself from whirring yourself to death, to stop from banging off the walls and to keep the anxiety at bay. A part of you is frozen behind the pills but the rest of you can function and that's what's important. You tell yourself to stop asking questions, to stop demanding, to keep the anger at bay, to stop thinking at all because you need some peace and quiet in your brain, for just a short while.
And through it all, you raise a clenched fist at the sky and tell it you don't want to be treated that way anymore, that you've had enough of its lousy games. Find another companion. This one has better things to do.
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at August 21, 2008 08:55 AM • TrackBack .http://blog2.mu.nu/cgi/trackback.cgi/250011
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wow
okay
well all i can say is the phrase that helps me thru those shake fist at the world moments is
let go and let go
sometimes not be 12 step
but you really do need to give it all up to who-ever is really running things
doesnt mean you give up the fight
just give up fighting the fight
The only constant, that I've been able to determine, that is - is yourself. I'm not sure in my case that's such a good thing.
Posted by: Margi at August 22, 2008 08:23 PMYou rock!
Posted by: Lauren at August 22, 2008 01:42 AMIf it makes you feel any better, sometimes a few of us uber-macho, manly men (yeh, right) have moments like those, even though we're not supposed to, or God forbid tell anyone we do. I've had days where I can't meet my gaze in the mirror because I can't stand myself. Yet I always find a reason to keep it going. Because oddly enough, I've discovered that some people can stand me. They stand me so well that I seem to make a difference in their lives. Their numbers may be few, but the fact that they're out there is all that matters. And I would be doing them a disservice if I wasn't part of their lives.
And you make a difference too. You've proved it time and time again with your posts. And all the people that come here to read about your life, you make a difference with them, too.
Posted by: diamond dave at August 21, 2008 08:51 PMI told the universe to fuck off a long time ago. Best decision I've made in awhile.
I am the sum of my actions, but they are mine. Even the frozen parts. It has taken 35 years, but I am finally getting there.
Thinking of you babe.
Posted by: Teresa at August 21, 2008 04:38 PMWhatever the circumstance that prompted this post, I concur wholeheartedly. . . as always, you rock my world with your insight. Sending much compassion your way.
Deb.
P.S. Your children get more and more adorable every single day.
Posted by: Deb at August 21, 2008 04:20 PMI realize this post is more about feeling less in tune with yourself, but a few of your words I feel like I should offer back to you.
From today's post:
"... the reflection in the mirror isn't the one you have in your mind's eye."
From the other day's picture:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/everydaystranger/2766695106/
"I honestly don't think I'm an attractive person..."
Maybe there could be a further correlation here for you.
Just a some food for thought. Then again, feel free to just tell me to piss off too. :)
Christopher
Posted by: Mr.Thomas at August 21, 2008 03:36 PMYour ability to eloquently state what I think (hope?) everyone must deal with from time to time but have no clue how to properly articulate constantly amazes me. Have I told you lately how much I love and admire you? I've been kind of hermit-y again recently while I figure out who's in the mirror. I hope you're doing alright. I read everything, look at every picture you post, but I don't often find the right words to reply. This time I let my fingers talk and am just going to hit Post.
Posted by: Lisa at August 21, 2008 03:20 PMI think Gorby has some kisses he's been meaning to give you.
Posted by: BeachGirl at August 21, 2008 01:30 PMThis is a stark contrast to yesterday's blissful post. I pray things are well with you (that's not an idle statement either).
There is great comfort in knowing the creator of everything hears you and has compassion for you when you shake your fist at the universe. I hope everyone feels that comfort someday.
I've been very diligent not to wear people out with my Christian opinions over the last year or so for multiple reasons (not just Helen's preference), but I'm always glad to discuss it if you want to click on the "Solomon" hyperlink and e-mail me. There can be great comfort and peace.
Posted by: Solomon at August 21, 2008 01:03 PMhugs to you
Posted by: wRitErsbLock at August 21, 2008 12:32 PMHi Helen. Wonderful post. I concur 100% (and then some). I especially like what you say about how the universe and experiences can change you wholly and completely such that you may barely recognize yourself in the mirror. What I wonder for myself is this -- how do you get "better", when you're not quite sure what or who that is anymore?
Posted by: Sarah at August 21, 2008 11:51 AMSuch an unbelievably wise sentence...
Quote:
A part of you is frozen behind the pills but the rest of you can function and that's what's important
This is how it feels. Frozen behind the pills, the curtain of talking to a therapist, the eating or whatever keeps us functioning.
Thank you.