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Windshield Wipers
The family photo session is done, and I'll update on that shortly. For now I have about 2.6 seconds of computer time before I get kicked off the computer for one reason or another, as the kids are here again.
My stepmom was here overnight on Friday, and all of us watched the Olympics, ate seafood quiche, and relaxed. Saturday afternoon I had to drive her back to Heathrow and Jeff wanted to come along. The house was full of his relatives but he was adamant - he wanted to come with us.
We drove in the rain and my stepmom had Jeff in stitches as she told fart stories. He was there in the backseat, trying to match her stories, and all in all we kept getting more and more ridiculous. When we got to Heathrow, Jeff bounded out of the car to help with the bags.
My stepmom bent to his level. She reached her arms out. And for once, Jeff walked straight into them and hugged her with all of his might.
Jeff isn't a hugger. He's not keen on touching people. I've yet to get a hug out of him.
My stepmom smiled. "I love you, kid." she said.
"I love you too," he replied.
Progress.
On the drive home, it was clear that Jeff wanted to talk. He played with his hands and looked down a lot. The windshield wipers went back and forth, his fingers flew, and his eyelashes batted.
"I know you don't talk to your mom," he said. "What was it like when you were a kid?"
I chose my words carefully. I explained the brief details, that basically my parents thought that "stable" was just a place you kept horses. I discussed the divorces, the moving, the emotions, the fucked-up view of loyalty.
"Sometimes I really don't like you," Jeff says by way of introduction. "But it's mostly because my mom tells me not to like you. You can be annoying but everyone can be. But when I feel like I don't like you it's because my mom has been crying again and telling me how bad you are."
I understand this. I tell him so. "Does your mom cry a lot then?"
"All the time!" he says hotly. "She cries all the time! And she tells me how bad Dad is, and what a subbe you are." Subbe is Swedish slang for bitch. I saw that one coming. "It makes me not want to like you. But I do like you."
"When I was a kid my mom did the same. So when I grew up I didn't like my stepmom at all. I hated her. But now I think she's one of the most amazing and loving people I know, I just never gave her a chance. It's hard when you love your mom and want to be there for her, but what she's telling you maybe doesn't make sense inside."
He nods. "Exactly. That's it exactly."
"And my mom used to tell me, when she was crying, that she had nothing - no money, no friends, no life - and that my sister and I were all she had."
"That's so creepy!" Jeff shouts. "That's exactly what my mom says! Exactly! And I hate it when she says that!"
"I know. It makes you feel like you should be the best kid you can be, because if your mom gave up everything then you need to make sure it's worth it."
"Yes!" he says loudly. "Precisely!"
And my heart twists so much when I hear that it nearly breaks off into smaller pieces. I know where he is. I know how he feels.
Worse, I know where it leads.
He tells me more, talking in a way that he never did before. I mostly listen, trying to support when I think it's appropriate. The Swunt is still on one seriously hardcore well-poisoning mission. I wonder if she thinks that if the winner takes it all, the winner gets Jeff in the process. Jeff is caught - he doesn't like horses (and once again is downright allergic to them). He doesn't speak Spanish. He doesn't want piercings or parties or anything like that.
He doesn't get listened to and doesn't get a say. And I think this is genuinely the case and not pre-teen angst. When Angus has brought this up with The Swunt he gets told "We're a horse household. Jeff has to learn to deal with it."
Even more so, The Swunt (who constantly tells the children that we don't give them enough child support and doesn't work herself) bought another horse in June. She now has two horses - one Icelandic pony, which is high maintenance, and I couldn't believe it - she bought a polo horse.
Funny how when you don't have money you can find enough to buy, feed, and keep two high maintenance horses.
When The Swunt goes on a date she tells Jeff it's her business and none of his. He tells me he doesn't mind her dating, he just wishes she'd tell him what's going on sometimes.
And then he tells me that he asked her if he could come live with us.
Absolutely not, was her reply. I won't let you go and it's illegal anyway.
It's not illegal. But she won't let him go.
I make sure that throughout our talk I never say anything negative about The Swunt, but only talk about my own past. He asks me how I got through it and I said I bottled it up inside. He tells me he does the same. I tell him that bottling only works for so long and then the top gets blown off. I tell him that I saw a therapist for years to work on myself and my past.
He asks me how he can get one of those.
I tell him I can arrange it.
He then tells me that maybe it's ok to wait a bit, that he doesn't want to talk to anyone now.
I tell him that's fine. I tell him I'm here for him. I tell him his Dad is and will always be here for him. And I tell him that my stepmom is a wonderful person to talk to.
He says that's a good idea. He's going to add her to his Skype list. He's going to talk to her.
And I'm going to try all over again to be there for him.
I'm so, so grateful to my stepmom, and so lucky for having her.
-H.
PS-sorry for the choppy flow of this post. 2.6 seconds isn't much.
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gosh, these ex-wives are poisonous. Jim's did much the same. It was like she thought she could punish Jim by saying bad things about him to the kids. She would tell them that he left them. Right in front of people should would say that they did poorly in school because their father left them (not because she payed absolutely no attention to their school work, even though she insisted on staying home with them). How stupid can you be, as a mother, to not realize that the only people you are hurting are your own children? He didn't leave his children - he got out of a wretched marriage and tried to still spend as much time with his kids as he could. She also would spend all the child support money on herself, and tell her kids how she was so poor. Gosh, it makes my blood boil just thinking about it.
You're doing a good job. Just keep setting the right example, and setting high standards for them. They will appreciate it later. My stepkids (now 21 and 22) now finally appreciate the standards I set and the rules we had and the manners I taught them, and the example that Jim and I set for them with our healthy relationship.
Posted by: Carol at August 18, 2008 05:12 PMIt's not a choppy flow at all. It was a great post. Very clear. Easily readable.
What a smart young man Jeff is, to have the courage and intelligence at his age which prompted him to talk to you about your experiences and to realize that you and he have so much in common. I hope he'll continue to be so open with you. It sounds like great communication - so healthy. I'm really happy for you both. Maybe he won't have such a hard time of growing up as you did. :)
I so admire you. I had a really crappy childhood, but didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I think it's really amazing that you had this opportunity with your stepson-- I guarantee it is something he will never forget, and will probably be a ray of light in the confusing and murky life he is likely return to. Someday, when he is an adult and gets his head sorted out, he will really value what you were able to share, and even more, that you were willing to listen. Kudos to you!
Posted by: Tonya at August 13, 2008 04:12 AMYou, my dear, get stepmom of the year. Seriously.
I really hope that things can get sorted out in a way that works for all of you.
Posted by: Sarah at August 13, 2008 02:18 AMAmazing and wonderful. Jeff has a real chance to have a better outcome than you did just because of you and your stepmother and Angus. Listening to a child is highly underrated. Good for you.
Posted by: sue at August 12, 2008 05:28 PMI seem to have Lisa's Leaky Eye Disease while reading. Very contagious.
With any child - biological or step - it's a two-steps forward, one step back thing.
You took BIG HUGE HONKING steps forward today.
I'm so happy he has you (and your step-mom) to talk to!
Posted by: Margi at August 12, 2008 05:28 PMWhat a great post, as everyone else has been saying, but is it really an appropriate one?
You've mentioned how some family members have found out about your blog and read it even though they shouldn't. If I were Jeff, the idea that the whole world knows—including some people who shouldn't know—some of my intensely personal family business would make me horrifically uncomfortable.
And even if he agreed to have his problems aired to the world, isn't he too young to understand what that really means, especially in this day and age where nothing ever goes away? A post like this one would be more embarrassing or upsetting than the stereotypical naked baby photos.
In fact, as much as I enjoy your blog as a view into your world, this post made me feel as though Jeff's privacy had been violated.
(Alternatively, from the perspective of a writer, your piece is very effective at stimulating emotions (albeit, uncomfortable ones).)
Posted by: JC at August 12, 2008 05:15 PMHow wonderful that he has put his trust in you. I'm stepmother to 2 boys myself. It is such a gift when you get through to them, when you are able to be there for them, and support them when there are times their parents can't. Makes you feel like there was a purpose to you coming into their family.
All the best to you - your stepkids are lucky to have your insight and support.
Posted by: Tracy at August 12, 2008 12:54 PMI am a big lover of car conversations with teens...it is just a place where they feel very comfortable and where no one has to make eye contact and can just talk to the space between them.
I love that you listened when he asked if he could come along, I think missed opportunities are so sad.
And, I love that you love with reason. I think reason is so much easier to do with teens because they are so emotional. You used your own example, but irregardless, he knew what you were talking about and it the honesty really works best.
Good job!
Posted by: Melissa at August 12, 2008 10:34 AMShit, you type fast if that was 2.6 seconds.
What an amazing interaction your stepmom had with Jeff, as well as your conversation with him! You're a beautiful woman not to stoop to the Swunt's level (it even feels wrong to capitalize her name). I'm sure Jeff and Melissa will both realize that when they're adults, though the muck might be blinding them to it right now. They're lucky kids to have you for a stepmom.
I sure hope Jeff connects with your stepmom. It sounds like she'd be a great (mostly) impartial sounding board, or at least release, for him.
Posted by: Tinker at August 12, 2008 01:04 AMhi helen, i see my post got eaten up...
i'm a step-mother to 3 young children...and the biological does everything in her malicious right to see that the children know how she feels about me and their father (and their {half} sister). it's sickening that her needs superceed theirs...but their father is committed not to slinging the mud back, and showing his children that there is another way to be in a blended family. i waffle between compassion and hate for her (i know, a strong word)...and i feel so sorry for the childen. but i can see that they are noticing her malice and liking our peacful existence better and better. good...now they know they have a choice, just as Jeff is expressing.
like you, i find it so fucking hard...but i persevere because their father and my partner wants it that way, and what's important to him is important to me (or why am i even here??). moments like the one you've shared here gives us hope doesn't it?
Peace,
Lil
Sounds like a major breakthrough indeed. You are doing all of us step moms proud, H.
Posted by: sophie at August 12, 2008 12:30 AMWOW!!
Posted by: Lauren at August 11, 2008 10:02 PMThank goodness that step-grandma was able to open him up like a can opener. Thank goodness he has you to talk it through.
Posted by: Heidi at August 11, 2008 09:46 PMI'm not sure where to start here. But this sounds like an incredible breakthrough with Jeff. For this kid, with all his problems, to finally confide in you, speaks volumes about the role you have in his life. And you there to be able to relate to his feelings, with stories about your own family, is exactly what he needs to hear. And without badmouthing either your own mother or his. To put it short, you have a lot of his trust now. And you are now in a position to make a positive difference in this child's life, a child who undoubtedly feels unfairly put in the middle of a situation not of his doing, and not listened to. Yet you are listening. Keep up the fantastic work. Oh, and a congrats to your stepmother too, who seems to be doing a great job of getting through his shell in her own way. Both of you scored an important victory this weekend.
Seafood quiche...mmmmmm.
Posted by: diamond dave at August 11, 2008 09:06 PMHe is so lucky to have you.
Posted by: Kristen at August 11, 2008 08:02 PMAw, see, this is one of the best things about being a mother, biological, step, whatever. I'm all teary now because I hate hearing about kids in positions like that! I'm glad he has people like you and your stepmom to go to if he feels the need to talk.
Wow it sounds like you guys had a great talk.He is very lucky to have such a great step mom.
Posted by: Erica at August 11, 2008 06:32 PMI'm glad Jeff is opening up a bit. I am sure that he might retreat at some point, but it certainly sounds like baby steps in the right direction. I hope he has the same happy ending as you and your step mum, without the need for the years of torment in between.
Posted by: Bee Cee at August 11, 2008 06:01 PMFunny, my eyes seem to be leaking. This is the most wonderful thing I could read right now. I'm so proud of you, and proud of Jeff for opening up. What a great kid. Looking forward to hearing how the photo session went, but I think I enjoyed reading this even more.
Posted by: Lisa at August 11, 2008 05:56 PMOh, Helen, I am so glad he talked with you! My heart just breaks that he has to go through all of that with his mom. At least he is starting to reach out now. Hopefully, he'll take you up on more opportunities to talk.
Posted by: stacie at August 11, 2008 05:35 PMHelen, I too am a step-mother of 3 kids...and their mother poisons them too. The eldest and I have had a breakthrough and we're on a less rocky road...until he tells her, whereupon she'll make it her personal mission to destroy that one, like several others in the last 5yrs. What I can't understand is why ~ why do people do this? what makes them so malicious that they pull their own flesh and blood into their own hurt, and are too blind with it all to see that the children are really the ones suffering? I waffle between compassion and hate towards her, and ultimately a deep concern for the children. I'm one of those step-parents that doesn't love their children, but I care for them and their well-being like I do my own daughter.
All that to say Helen, that I understand your side...and I understand Jeff's. It's one fucking hard job...
Peace,
Lil
That is fucking wonderful! Progress I would say and what a great kid. You and your step mom as well!
Posted by: Cheryl at August 11, 2008 05:09 PMHi Helen. I have just become a stepmother to two girls, 6 & 7, and this post just breaks my heart. Its like seeing into my future. This weekend was the first time I was allowed to spend real time with the kids (due to some unfortunate legal issues) and they kept saying, over and over: You're so nice! Mom is wrong - you are so nice! And I thought to myself, my God, I wonder what on Earth she told them.
Its interesting to me to hear it from your perspective - not only are you a stepmom but a stepchild yourself. You've seen it from both ends. How old were Jeff & Melissa when you & Angus married? I am hoping (perhaps in vain) that since my stepkids are young, maybe it will be easier? Maybe not.
I am lucky (oh so lucky) that the kids have taken to me. They call me everyday and tell me all about their day and such. They tell me they love me. And I love them. The eldest even told me that she wished I was her mom instead of her real mom (but we're both dead if she ever lets her mother hear that). They are absurdly well behaved and don't show any signs of pre-teen angst yet. I am hoping it continues this way but I am sure the world will be turned upside at the least when they become 11 or 12, if not much sooner. I don't know what I'll do then.
Do you have any suggestions? Anything to make it easier? Anything you wish someone had told you at the beginning?
Thank you so much for this post. I know you and Jeff haven't always gotten along, but it is so encouraging to me that this post shows you two making such progress. I hope the progress continues.
Posted by: Melanie at August 11, 2008 05:04 PMHelen, can I just say I love you for taking such wonderful care of Jeffs feelings like that. He is truly in a terrible spot and your encouragement and love will help him to grow up well despite his mothers dysfunction. (step)parenting award to you!!
Posted by: motherhen at August 11, 2008 04:31 PMAs others have said, Jeff is so lucky to have a stepmom who loves him and completely understands where he's coming from. I think hearing your story and knowing he's not the only kid this has ever happened to will help him see that it's not about him and what he's 'doing wrong', it's about her and her issues. It's still painful, but more bearable.
This post makes me think of the dreams you had of desperately trying to save children. You're saving this child.
Posted by: Laura at August 11, 2008 03:52 PMHelen, you are a great mother/stepmother/parent. You said all the right things. I envy your maturity in a not-so-easy situation with the Swunt.
All those kids are fortunate to have you in their lives. For sure.
Posted by: hopefulmother at August 11, 2008 03:49 PMAwww...so amazing to have some time with Jeff like that. And so happy your stepmother was the conduit.
I can relate somewhat - my mother was the same about anyone my father was seeing. Unfortunately, who he settled on isn't quite as lovely as your stepmother seems. My stepmother was a money grubber - and now that my father has no money left, we're waiting to see how long she stays. It's really strange hearing desperation in my father's voice. I think he knows it's not going to last too.
Most of all, though - I'm really happy Jeff is talking to you about this instead of just engaging in the passive-aggressive b.s. my stepdaughter does. Truly, truly frustrating, that.
I know it sounds weird, but even him being able to tell you he hates you sometimes shows that he trusts you to be ok with that - and that's a great thing.
Even if it does mean only 2.6 seconds on the computer!
Posted by: Tracy at August 11, 2008 03:44 PMThings have been crazy for me lately (won't get into it here), but this is just the ray of light I needed right now. Jeff is so lucky that you are here for him right now, if for anything just to have someone there to listen to him and not judge, but also someone who really understands.
It is times like these that a rough childhood is almost worth it.
Almost.
Posted by: Teresa at August 11, 2008 02:47 PMHi Helen,
I don't comment much though I read as often as you write. This post though... it hit my heart. My heart goes out to Jeff - it is so wonderful that he connected with your step-mom and that you were able to listen to him and empathize. He sounds like a wonderful kid who just wants to be accepted for who he is and loved for that person.
As tears sprung to my eyes, I was delighted to read that he is going to talk to your step-mom... who sounds like an amazing friend to him.
Posted by: The Exception at August 11, 2008 02:38 PMIt sounds like you said all the right things. I hope it gets a bit easier for him.
Posted by: Jen at August 11, 2008 02:30 PMSitting here crying, thinking about that boy and what a challenge he has in store for him. But he has you and Angus and others who love him. I hope he can keep your words in the back of his mind when he goes back to Sweden. And maybe this has opened up a new permanent channel of communication between you two.
Posted by: donna at August 11, 2008 02:24 PMPoor boy, in this terrible trap of double-bind, and how clever he is! It seems to me that his mother is kind of misusing him for taking revenge at your husband, at all men, at this little man.
Good that he has opened up, it will prevent him from going crazy. And talking is the only way.
And you are doing it right, just being yourself and choose the right words.
Sigh, my parents also were divorced, but no step-mothers and -fathers around. That made the whole drama a lot easier, but hard enough for my brother and me. It is always the same story all over the world, the children are the ones who suffer most.
Wow, Helen. That's powerful stuff.
Posted by: BeachGirl at August 11, 2008 01:59 PMI think it's fantastic that you can connect with your stepson like that, and moreso, that he trusts you enough to open up. A true testament to your person. And kudos to you for not going negative on the Swunt. I think it's lucky for Jeff to have someone grounded that he doesn't have to feel that obligatory loyalty towards.
Posted by: D at August 11, 2008 01:54 PMYour stepmom might be a wonderful person to talk to you, but his stepmom is just as wonderful. I'm glad he finally opened up about what he's been feeling. Very big steps.
Posted by: Amanda at August 11, 2008 01:45 PMYou rawk! And, sounds like Jeff thinks so too.
Posted by: oddybobo at August 11, 2008 01:16 PMBeen there done that....my ex left me for his new wife....it was her that always down talk me....me of all people and they talked my son into moving in with them and he is a total mess.....which s sad.......he's 25 for god sake...
Posted by: Cris at August 11, 2008 12:39 PMWow! That's fantastic that you and he were able to connect like that. Hopefully he can work out some more issues with your stepmom, and eventually a therapist. It sounds like he's on the right path, and you have a lot to do with that. It can't be easy walking the line you have to with him, and you're being a great parent here.
Posted by: ZTZCheese at August 11, 2008 12:37 PMthat was big. good for all of you!
Posted by: suze at August 11, 2008 12:32 PMim not going to lie, this post made me cry...big big breakthrough but what that little boy has to go through is heartbreaking...and then hearing how much it is similar to your childhood...i definitely think you two were meant to meet in this life. blessings for you all!
Posted by: Liz at August 11, 2008 12:15 PMThis is just excellent news; not that he's unhappy, but that you got to have this talk and he's able to see you for who you are. YOur stepmom is a wonderful woman and you are all lucky to have her.
I hope he will soon be old enough to make the decision of where to live independently of his mom.
Posted by: kenju at August 11, 2008 12:02 PMOh I wish there were a way for Jeff to come live with you and Angus! Is there any possible way? It is so heartbreaking to hear what his mother is putting him through. As someone who also grew up with an f--ked up mother, I know how deep those scars reach and how profoundly they affect your adult life.
Posted by: Sarah at August 11, 2008 11:52 AMMothers who have nothing and who tell their children that they are "all they have" -- yeah, I haz one. That mother lives with me right now and doesn't want to see that she's going to be the death of me, since I'M all SHE has.
Maternal guilt trips are the most powerful life force; I suspect Category 5 hurricanes do less damage.
I love it that Jeff opened up the way he did, and that he found a neutral third party in your stepmom. What would it take to get custody of Jeff? An extra pair of hands around the house to help with those beautiful babies might not be such a bad thing. ...
Posted by: dawn at August 11, 2008 11:48 AMHuge breakthrough! Love is the only way in.
Posted by: Julie at August 11, 2008 11:37 AMThose were big steps, nothing baby about them!
Posted by: justme at August 11, 2008 11:02 AMone day too jeff will grow up and make his own mind up about his parents and step mum, just like you have xx
Posted by: Mei at August 11, 2008 10:50 AMWow, your relationship with your stepson is ever evolving and developing. You sound like you are balancing loyalty and love with a light touch. You really are a remarkable woman!
Posted by: Super Sarah at August 11, 2008 10:38 AMThe poison that is spread in these circumstances are horrible, kudos to you for trying to keep it minimalised. Everything that you can do to be there for him is absolutely wonderful - he's lucky to have people around him. And it's lucky that he's noticing and trying.
Posted by: Hannah at August 11, 2008 10:32 AMHe might not realize it just yet...but he is lucky to have you for a stepmom and you are lucky to have him for a stepson. You two were placed in each other's lives for a reason. It looks like you might be the one to help him find his way in the darkness and he might be a healing salve for some of your past wounds.
Posted by: justdawn at August 11, 2008 10:26 AM