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Family Photo
I've done something really stupid.
Really, really stupid.
For Angus' mother's Christmas present last year I suggested that all three of her boys and their families pay for a studio photography session and one photo of all of Angus' Mums' children, their spouses, and grandchildren. She loved the photo idea. She's never had a family photo of her entire family before. Angus' Mum - let's call her The Mum from here on - said she wanted to wait until the babies could sit unaided and then book it.
Cue the chaos.
Said photo has been booked for this Saturday, and Melissa and Jeff flew in last night for a week with us before going back to school and, coincidentally, to be in the photo.
And Christ the number of emails going around about this photo are killing me. Angus' middle brother (the one I call The Minister) had his wife book the photo shoot. She did so, choosing a photo studio in Southern England located roughly between us and the other families. We soon got the guidelines for what the studio expects.
No shoes or socks, it read. I took a weary look at my toes, covered in white, blue, and pink paint, only one of which is actually intended for toes. At some point not long ago I actually painted my toes in nail polish. Since then it's been covered in wall paint.
White T-shirts and jeans work best, it continued. Exactly what you want to dress two infants who jubilantly vomit all over everything they own, leaving an orange stain (regardless of what they eat their puke is always orange colored) down the front.
Bring something to represent your interest! it instructed. Previous clients brought items such as a kite, a chef's hat, spaghetti, a tennis racket, and leather and helmets!
What. The. Fuck.
Leather and helmets?
Where are we getting our photos taken, Chuck E Cheese S&M Emporium?
"Maybe I should bring train magazines and some high-visibility jackets," Angus ponders. This sad set-up would cover him and his two brothers, all three of whom have an unnatural interest in trains.
One of the sisters-in-law says she's bringing bubbles. Because really, popping bubbles and the sticky circumference we leave behind is just what we need. Also, who the hell has an interest in bubbles? Dumbo?
The Mum says we should use flags. We can all hold a flag representing our country, which promises to be gian fun, especially as I'm the only one in the whole family not holding a UK passport, Half of the family is 100% British, half of the family are dual citizens. Apart from me. My cheese stands alone. I put my foot down here as I'll be the only one holding an American flag, and won't I feel like a dick - Hi! I'm proud to be an American! I'd be British too only Gordon Brown has it in for us immigrants! We're here to leech on your benefits and steal your souls! And I know as soon as you give one of the babies a flag they'll either stick it in their mouths or inadvertently stab each other with them. Melissa has just as violent a reaction as I do - she won't hold the Swedish flag. Both of us are proud of where we come from, but neither of us are interested in playing that game called "One of these things doesn't belong here".
In the end The Mum decides she's bringing helium balloons. She thinks they'll look good. I wonder how I'm going to keep Melissa and Jeff from sucking out the helium because they wet themselves with laughter when they do that. I'm also wondering how I can convince Melissa that this photo will be on walls forever and that she should dial down her current experimental phase with makeup, the one that makes her look like a prostitute promising happy endings, because when she's in her thirties she will look at this photo and writhe with embarrassment.
"I'm not bringing anything," I say staunchly. If I did bring something to represent my interests, at this point it would be a bottle of sauvignon. Or some tranquillizers. Maybe both.
The Mum is bringing her dog, Barney. Barney is a gorgeous half-lab half-retriever mix. Barney has gorgeous fur. Barney is also dumber than a brick and about as disciplined as a rabid rat terrier. She wonders if we should bring Gorby.
Oh yeah. 16 people. 8 adults, 8 kids - two of whom are prone to dick around, two of whom are prone to diva fits, three of whom are under the age of two - and two dogs going mental. And Angus' younger brother and Melissa both seem to digress to childish levels of whoopee cushions and squirty flower lapels when they get together. All of us holding balloons. And me trying to get the babies to not vomit on themselves, each other, and me. I can see it now. I'll be crying in hysterical nonsensical jags in no time.
I politely decline Gorby's attendance.
But the final straw has been the clothing.
We should dress similarly, according to the guidelines. But so far the only one to put a stake in the ground is The Minister and family. Once I heard what they were wearing I categorically refused to dress all 6 of us in this family that way. I reached my limits.
The Minister, his wife, and two daughters are all wearing pink shirts and jeans.
"Pink shirts?" I shriek to Angus. "They'll look like a giant clitoris!"
And to top it all off, we've invited everyone over to our not-even-remotely finished home for dinner afterwards (although the good news is my stepmom arrives tonight and will be here to help manage the chaos tomorrow, which she's very good at.)
We're crazy.
I wonder how I can work that into the photo.
-H.
Posted by Everydaystranger at August 8, 2008 07:45 AM • TrackBack .http://blog2.mu.nu/cgi/trackback.cgi/249290
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Three words: DYING TO KNOW.
Posted by: Margi at August 12, 2008 05:33 PMYou have a way with words. :) I hope the photo session went smoothly. What a hilarious day that must have been. A giant clitoris with an american flag. LOL! Priceless.
Posted by: Gabriella at August 12, 2008 03:42 PMDear Helen, this post had me laughing and wincing in equal measure. Your photo session is going to be a doozy, I can see that. And I thought the one we went through last Christmas was bad. We were all supposed to wear red, and the reds of course clashed revoltingly. At least we were able to keep our shoes on.
Wishing you a very, very talented photographer, and lots and lots of patience.
Speaking of which, congratulations on the departure (and final generous gesture) of the builders! Your bathroom looks amazing. Well done you!
Posted by: Kath at August 10, 2008 10:19 PMLOL at giant clitoris.
Posted by: Donna at August 9, 2008 09:32 AMHere's something to make you feel better about it - 120 Jews of four generations, roughly forty of whom are under eight, roughly ten of whom are over ninety, and who are all so anal-retentive that we now have a Family!! Reunion!! Webpage!! devoted to the exciting event, including but not limited to a monthly Guess-That-Relative contest.
And me, explaining why I have six tattoos, pink hair, a tongue and nose ring, and a Goyim surname while braving the family tee-shirts that do not mix well with my Irish coloring.
Posted by: D at August 9, 2008 08:53 AMI vote for goggly-eye glasses for you and A and whirly topped beanies for all the kids.
Now, I must go thank all the deities I can think of that my inlaws, as difficult as they may be, have never asked me to match. I really like all my teeth.
Posted by: caltechgirl at August 9, 2008 08:02 AMI love the idea, but hate the pink shirts. You really should give bubbles a try. They are wonderful!
Posted by: kenju at August 9, 2008 03:51 AMThe best part is that it was all your idea! I hope it goes well and that no one loses an eye or anything. Good luck!
Posted by: Julie at August 8, 2008 10:49 PMThat sounds absolutely dreadful. Do these things ever not look cheesy?
I trust this place is not in my very corner of Southern England. Oh wait, this place fucking sucks. I forgot.
Posted by: MsPrufrock at August 8, 2008 10:15 PMOh...lucky you. We did this once, we were told white t shirts with jeans and everyone else in the family had on white dress shirts...seems the message did not get passed to the out of towners.
Interests? Maybe you and Angus and entourage should wear construction hats or hold paintbrushes.
Pink? For the whole family? Definitely not. Each individual family unit could have chosen a color of the rainbow but even that is too much. White shirts, or black. Keep the focus on the individual.
Pets are a huge no no unless they will just sit. With so many, why invite trouble?
Oh...and sitting babies usually mean mobile babies. Let's hope that the hands and knees babies do not start moving in any direction!
Good luck!
Posted by: Melissa at August 8, 2008 10:07 PMOy. I've always liked the jeans and white button-down look, but t-shirts? No.
I guess you could have had each group dress in a particular color, so if the one brother wanted pink, so be it!
How are Melissa and Jeff liking the new layout of the house?
Posted by: Tracy at August 8, 2008 09:21 PMDamn you Helen! You 'bout made me wet myself with that "giant clitoris" comment!
{pause while Dave finishes hee-hawing like a donkey}
Now I've got a headache. You owe me a bottle of Advil for that one.
BTW, did I ever tell you I find family photos a big pain in the ass, too?
I imagine the "leather and helmets" refers to their love of riding motorcycles.
Posted by: Sigivald at August 8, 2008 05:51 PMEveryone wear a white shirt with either blue jeans or khaki pants. Done! :)
Posted by: MissElaine`eous at August 8, 2008 05:42 PMI agree with others - there really is no need for props in a photo with 16 people in it. However, if you really want to work in the crazy, try something like this. You can wear a striped shirt and be your very own flag. Or you could go as Lola...
Posted by: amy t. at August 8, 2008 04:36 PMYeeaaah, we tried that once, with the whole extended family on my dad's side. It was exhausting and chaotic, and I hated the final photo. Good luck, I think you'll need it :)
Posted by: geeky at August 8, 2008 04:23 PMHahahaha! You're so funny. I think that no matter how crazy the session is this will be a photo to treasure. I can see how the anticipation would make you anxious. A lot of photographers really love that white shirt and jeans thing, and the bare feet is a huge trend that I am not in favor of except for babies or toddlers.
Posted by: Lisa at August 8, 2008 02:59 PMWHat if each family wears a different color but similar shirt, so there is the pink group, and then a blue one or green or whatever?
Posted by: bleu at August 8, 2008 02:31 PMGet t-shirts with pink ink blots on them that look strangely similar to a clitoris...that ought to cover 1.)dressing similarly 2) proving your crazy and for some of you 3.) represent something you like :)
Posted by: cursingmama at August 8, 2008 02:14 PMWe're crazy.
I wonder how I can work that into the photo.
No need, if I looked at that picture my first thought would be that you are crazy : - )!
Oh my god. I'm not sure I understand the need for props. Can't you all just...be there? How bizarre. I wish you luck!
Posted by: Dotty at August 8, 2008 12:55 PMWe're crazy.
I wonder how I can work that into the photo.
You could bring a picture of Freud or Dr. Frasier Crane. :)
Posted by: Solomon at August 8, 2008 12:39 PMLike Mei, if the planning stages have rendered this much hilarity, I can't wait to read about the photo session!
Posted by: Gwyneth at August 8, 2008 12:28 PMMy SIL and her family went there, the photos of the four of them were really good, really really good. You might find the suffering is worth it in the end.
Oh. Shit.
Posted by: Lauren at August 8, 2008 11:07 AMlooking forward to your post on the actual photoshoot as this one had me in stitches :)
Posted by: Mei at August 8, 2008 11:06 AMWe once did this, my siblings and all our families. A metric ton of crazy children, some equally disturbed dogs, and me with the hangover from hell. But it was gorgeously funny. And the photos? Great.
Try to talk the minister's family into some straitjackets:-) Maybe even pink ones.
Giant clitoris...
Lily
You know, you might be surprised at the results. And you'll never forget the experience. :) Try to enjoy it and shoot the camera those funny "this is ridiculous" eyes. That way in years to come you'll know that you never want to do it again...no matter how good the photo is!
Posted by: Karie at August 8, 2008 08:47 AMTanis - it is indeed Venture. I've never heard of such bizarre requests before. I'll be needing that candle.
Bee Cee - that gives me an idea - maybe I'll just send the builders in my stead.
Posted by: Helen at August 8, 2008 08:38 AMI had this done with my cat, that was bad enough.
Hey you could have half your arse hanging out and pretend you're a builder...after all it's been your life for so long!
Posted by: Bee Cee at August 8, 2008 08:08 AMAre you guys having this done at Venture or a similar place? No £25 coupon is worth all of that! I'll light a candle that you all survive the day.
Posted by: tanis at August 8, 2008 07:47 AM