Interesting thoughts on question 2. I agree with you that our journey's are part of who we are but sometimes I can't help thinking what happened to that person who was....

Thanks for sharing!

I've done a range of IF treatments, but have not done IUIs, although I did use stims to have timed intercourse. I think one difference with non-IVF treatment is that the protocols can really vary alot - from natural cycle IUIs to timed intercourse with a full cocktail of drugs and every combination thereof. My first timed intercourse cycle led to full blown OHSS, so not a lot of fun! For me, not having to do the retrieval and transfer was a big bonus, but there certainly was extra uncertainty with not really knowing what was going on. I really missed getting pictures of the embryos.

It's interesting that you say, "I don't think I've lost or found any part of myself," but then go on to discuss how IVF proved your strength and resolve to have a family. Perhaps while you didn't exactly find something you didn't know about, it did give you the opportunity to strengthen character traits and parts of your personality that you're proud of?

I agree with you about the IUIs. We skipped them entirely, and I just thought they were IVF-lite. Terrible, right? But more than the actual process, it made me realize that all those IUIs before IVFs are just more failures for a couple to endure, which must be a huge emotional toll. And that's what really sucks.

Always love your comments. Hope the renovations are going well ... and have you been in NJ lately? hehe ... I was at the diner recently for breakfast with the fam, and there was this woman there that looked eerily like your picture ... but she only had one baby with her ... had she had 2, I would have gone up and said "Excuse me, are you Helen? Everyday Stranger?" ... she probably would have called the police on me!

It's funny to hear that you think IVF is less arduous than IUIs. I had three IUIs & totally fell apart after the third one failed. We ultimately decided not to move on to IVF, in part because I figured the stresses & stakes involved would be even higher, & how could I handle THAT when IUIs did this to me??

anyway, thanks for some great comments!

May a Firtle Myrtle add something? I hope so, 'cause I'm gonna, anyway.

Anyone who's seen that PBS "Miracle of Life" video should understand what a real, honest-to-goodness miracle it is that ANY baby makes it past the whole "cell splitting" phase, much less implantation, etc., etc., yadda -

But through you, Helen, I have learned the true courage and strength (and yes, miracles) it sometimes can take to even GET to the cell-splitting.

So even though I may be hated (c'mon, at least sometimes, I know it) I wanted you to know that I honestly am in awe of you all.

Keep the faith.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I often felt like this was all "my project" too - and not as "couple-y" either as you said.

Like you, I try to be there for others who are going through the same things I did - particularly with recurrent loss. This is twofold - one, I know what it is like and know that hearing from someone who understands can be helpful and two, it makes me feel as if some "good" has come from my experiences and they were not completely just an awful thing to have to endure. If my lost babies can help me help someone else - than that is a good thing. If it had to be this way - then why not make something beneficial to come from it all?

I haven't read Jenna's book yet, though it's on my list. Life with triplets just doesn't leave enough time for reading anymore - particularly since all my free reading time is taken up reading books on ADHD for the four year old these days... Sigh.

But that's a tangent for another day, isn't it?

ANYWAY...

About the IUIs... I spent a lot of time begging to move on to IVF because my IUI protocol was practically an IVF protocol and it wasn't doing a whole lot of good. It was expensive (in the long run, if not in the short run), it was risky (hello? Triplets?), it was emotionally taxing (I had more ultrasounds per cycle than if I'd had IVF - thank you PCOS), I had nearly as many shots as if I'd had IVF, and the odds were SO much lower than with IVF that it just wasn't worth it to me. The roller coaster was horrific. Six IUIs later, I got my beautiful, healthy triplets, so who am I to complain, right? It sucked, though. The odds with IUI cycles are SO abysmally low that I never had any reason for hope in any cycle, yet without hope, why bother? At least with an IVF cycle or three, I would have had reason to believe the whole process wasn't pointless, and less reason to live in fear of, um, you know, triplets. (Not that I don't adore my babies now that they're here, but I'm sure you remember my initial reaction to the news, right?)

As for losing oneself... I don't think I lost myself in IF. It is a part of who I am. I always knew I wanted a family. I always knew I wanted children in my life. But now I think I have a greater appreciation for the value I hold for them. I think I really understand how much they mean to me and I appreciate them differently than I would have otherwise. I'm grateful for my IF experience. I've met so many strong women. I've learned that I can be a true advocate for my friends and for my children. I've learned that I can be my OWN advocate when I need to be. I grew as a person. But I don't think I ever lost myself.

I don't think you have to relate to other people's IF memoirs, just because you've been there done that in the technical sense. We all have our own journey and our own experience. That's why if you wrote your own book, I'd buy it too, and read it with just as much interest. It's different. Your story is not my own. My story is no one else's. My motivations will never be anyone's but my own's and you and I don't have to relate to everyone else's motivations for having and building a family together. Personally, I think your story, particularly the donor aspects, is fascinating, so won't you consider writing your own memoir? :)

I've read enough infertility memoirs to have found that I also have a hard time fully relating to the author, despite our shared experience. I spend a lot of time questioning the person's motivations and treatments -- lousy, I know, but that's the risk one takes with a memoir.

We have combined IF, and at the beginning our treatments and doctors weren't exactly a united front. That antagonism stayed with us through IVF orientation, when D. looked at our protocol sheet and said "Oh, he thinks I still have male factor." Well, yes, dear, you do.

A couple of friends are going through IUI, and although I only did one IVF/ICSI cycle compared with 4 IUIs with Clomid, I would say that IUI was a hell of a lot more emotionally draining. So much monitoring and waiting for a comparatively low success rate.

Anyway, good review.