I actually just ordered a copy of this. While I did grow up with my mom around, she was nowhere near the kind of mother that I want to be. So in that way, I am also mothering without a map.

Thanks for this post. Stuck a chord in my heart.

I don't often share this story publicly, but I wanted to make an exception in the hopes that it will give you a different perspective.

My parents divorced when I was two, and I was raised primarily by my mother. I was her only child, and she never dated. I was the absolute center of her universe, and I knew, even then, that everything she did, she did for me. She worked 70+ hour weeks that took care of private skating lessons, ballet, violin, boarding school, and anything I needed. I lived comfortably, but not so much so that I would take it for granted. I was provided for, educated, and protected from the emotional issues I had with my father. Despite all of her nurturing and stabilizing, I had a lot of emotional issue. The roots of an eating disorder began growing when I was six years old, and spread until I landed myself in intensive rehab programs from the time I was fifteen until I was eighteen. I struggled with depression, often suicidal; OCD, anxiety disorders, and my eating disorder despite everything she did for me, and despite the most stable home she could possibly have given me.

She died the week after I started college, and my home life was so upended that most everyone expected me to land in a psych ward. I didn't. I learned to cope, better than most of my friends who have two happily married parents, a house with a picket fence, and 1.3 siblings.

My point is this: even the most stable parents can produce unstable children, as instability can produce well-adjusted children. It's not just cause-and-effect. The best thing you can do is give them enough stability to form a foundation, and hope to hell that it's enough. A good education can't hurt, either. But past that, I've come to learn that there's no way of knowing if it's enough. Give them the tools, hope they use them, and don't use anything that happens between the ages of 13 - 18 as indicators of success.

I think you are doing a wonderful job parenting your babies. One thing I have realized over the years is that there isn't one right way or wrong way of parenting. We all as parents are just trying to do the very best we can for our children that we love so much. That makes me realize that we are all not perfect so it is easier to realize my parents weren't either. I know they did the very best for me that they could. Believe me, I realize it even more now in dealing with a teenager. I never thought it would be this hard, but it is. I always thought the most important thing I learned for my mom was how much she loved me & how she would do anything for me. That is something I want to teach my boys, but sometimes they seem so ungrateful. It can break your heart.

You are doing good. YOu are just going thru a stressful time with going back to work, having sick babies, remodeling your house, dealing with your step children. Give yourself a break. You both have a lot on you!

ARRGH clicked on post by accident. I was going to add: You certainly aren't like her at all. :-)

That's the best end to an argument I've ever heard.

And I seriously doubt either of your kids will turn out like Nanny Debbie in Addams Family Values :-)

The sad, horrible truth about parenting is that it is impossible to do perfectly. Or even very well, hoever much we may pretend. We can only do our best, with great intentions and much thought and study.
The truth is - Malibu babrie instead of ballerina barbie can be traumatic, if it's a symbol to the child of all the times their parents failed to know them.
Life is hard emough without being your own enemy - fight guilt and just move forward into learning, failing, and trying again.
You are doing splendidly.

Point to three people who DIDN'T have a messed up childhood in one way or another.

The thing is: as parents? We're flawed, because as humans we're flawed. Nobody's perfect, darling. Ever. We do the best we can. You're doing the best you can.

The biggest problem I see in this situation is that somehow the child in the picture (YOU) somehow felt responsible for what was going on in the household. As a child, you were convinced that everything was your fault!

What went wrong is that you were not reasssured that it, indeed, was NOT your fault. You were the CHILD, not the "responsible" adult.

You're far stronger and more capable than you realize and I don't think you're a bit hypocritical to have wanted someone to hug you and tell you things were going to be all right. Human, maybe, but certainly not hypocritical.

My .165 adjusted for inflation.

I think your spirit and awareness of yourself are amazing and wonderful. Your strength and your ability to put feelings to words is awe-inspiring. You're not broken, you are one of the most well put-together people I have ever known.

Divine Ms. H,
I also grew up in a loving, abusive home, where my basic needs were met but at a cost that I'm still paying today. You're 1000 times stronger than me, because you're raising the children, loving Angus, doing all those scary things in spite of the nightmare that was modeled for you by your mother.

You're not broken, you're human. I know, broken is how you feel, broken is the only thing that seems to explain the fractured feelings, the withdrawal, the stepping outside of yourself...but (ok, I realize I'm projecting) "broken" is too close to "victim." And if staying in the victim identity leaves one vulnerable to becoming a victim again, then it's time to stop being a victim. Time to stop being broken.

It's a leap, I know, and I don't intend to be presumptuous, even though I'm a stranger to you. In fact, I think you're already steps beyond, because writing about it means you've been processing it. You're not broken. You're bloody and bruised and held together with bits of tape and baling wire, but you're one of the strongest women I know. Iron Helen.

Keep living without a net.

Hel, you've got to stop thinking of yourself as some broken thing that doesn't deserve this or that. Stop wishing your children weren't like you. You are not defective. You did not fall through the net. You weaved (wove?) your own net because the one that should have been there for you to begin with wasn't offered up.

You're doing everything you can to be that same net for your kids so that they don't have to employ their little, nimble fingers when they are in need. Eventually, you will teach them how to weave and they'll be better for it; but even better still, they'll always know that if they forget how to loop this bit with that bit, you'll be there to show them how and to make sure the knots are tight and sturdy.

You are not broken. You did not grow up broken. The environment that was provided for you was broken. That is nothing to do with you and is no fault you should ever take on yourself. So stop or I shall have to karate chop you ...once I learn how. :-)

xxx

Beautifully written as always, and it strikes a chord with me. My parents had a pretty typical immigrant story - they left Korea for a better life here and their top priority was to meet our physical needs and between that and my dad's personal demons and disappointments, there wasn't much energy left to be super nurturing and emotionally supportive. But I make myself believe that I am going to be able to do things better when I'm a parent.

At some point, children mature enough to make their own decision as to whether their needs were met or not. Fucked up kids come from the most "normal" of families; and level-headed kids can come from fucked-up families. What happens is that some people use that as an excuse instead of a spring board to be a better person. For the abused, they eventually make the ultimate decision to become an abuser or not depending on whether they face responsibility or not.

Obviously, you have chosen to use your family's experience as a way to improve yourself, not as a crutch that enables you to carry on with instability. Arguing with someone you love is not a sign of instability. Ultimately when you come back together, which you did, it reinforces that, yes, we can be fruitbags but have the confidence in knowing that we are loved in spite of it.

I never understood why I hated my childhood so much when my needs were met. I just knew that I was broken and felt unwanted and unloved and I didn't know why...until I read your post.

Your healing is helping others to heal. Thank you.

Brilliant post.

I wanted a Vikings Jersey - I got a sweater from Express.... I think some people are better & more attuned to parenting than others. I hope I'm doing a good job.

What about Debbie?

Hugs to you, Helen. That's all I can offer.

You sound like me and mr. kenju, and we just celebrated 44 years together.

The best thing that parents can do for their babies is to love and respect each other. Everything else flows from that. If your children grow up in a home where love and respect are the watchwords, they will turn out fine!

As always, what moves me is the naked honesty with which you write.

I had wished i'd a different mother too. the scary thing is i try to be a different mom than she was to my own kids and yet i catch myself saying some things which i know are an echo of her...

Your honesty is amazing and wonderful ... hearing about your argument (whilst I feel for you) helped me just a little. It's such a private thing and actually I cant do it .. my dad left abruptly when I was 9 after one argument that I witnessed and I have grown up messed up about most things, but definately thinking that any disagreement will rip your world apart and leave you broken. I know it probably wont and that the love is the foundation and sometimes the structure gets a bit wobbly but in my heart I am terrified. So hearing that you guys can argue and still feel the love helps. You are and will always be a wonderful mother and your unstable past gives you the insight to give your children everything that they need.

Great post!

Remember the kids in orphanies? Their basic needs are met, for sure. But there has to be more than being fed, and clothed, and having a roof above your head. There's need for the OTHER food. For the OTHER kind of protection.
For love, maybe a love which exceeds the instinctive kind of love one feels towards a very young child.
A kind of love which recognizes it's object, while the child develops his or her personality.
Individual love, you might call it. I think it grows out of understanding your kid, and recognizing it's specialty.
I think there's no way you could miss Nick's and Nora's individuality, and their personal and individual approach to find their path to your heart.

"Not just mothering without a map, but loving without an atlas."

That is one of the most brilliant sentences I have read. Bravo for writing about emotions with such sensitivity and insight. This is why I come back over and over and over!