« The Swuntinator | Main | Jumping »
Always a Bride, Never a Bridesmaid
OK, slight change to a more upbeat issue, as Day 1 of Children Home Alone has passed and we can confirm that both children in Sweden are still alive. Thus begins Day 2 of Children Home Alone. Will keep you posted (and many thanks for the suggestions yesterday, some of which are getting incorporated, as well as for the reassurance that the kids visiting will be a good thing and not me over-analyzing again.)
In 1992 I was 18 (there's my mad math skills for you. Speak & Math totally rocked my world, especially when I could get him to say "You've got my number! Your score is 8!" in a petulant and pissy voice.) I had left home at 17 and finished high school early, having taken night classes to sew up that last English credit I needed. The night courses were kind of cool, actually - they were filled with people like me, the strange ones who didn't really fit in and just wanted to get the hell out of the posh and elite high school we'd been stuck into courtesy of zone laws. We were the ones the Heathers punished. I like to tell myself that they're all coping with a life now that includes sag from all those boob jobs. I'm probably wrong.
Anyway.
At 18 I was with the only real boyfriend I'd ever had. He was 11 years older than I, which should have twigged alarm bells ringing when we started dating 2 years prior to that - what does a 27 year old man want with a 16 year old? He took over my virginity when I was 17 (and he was 28 and also a virgin. He'd attempted sex with someone a few years prior to that, but he got off the starting block before the referee had even taken the gun out of the pocket, if you know what I mean, so I maintained that didn't count.)
We'd met at a children' theatre where we both worked. Theatre folk are freaky weird people, most of whom have deep-seated emotional issues. I fit right in. I met the man there, as he was a lighting and set designer.
Let's call him Ragu, because I'm immature and find that funny. And yes, he was Italian, but that has nothing to do with it. Honest.
Ragu's whole family worked at the theatre, too. It was a children's theatre but it was packed with adults just as screwed up as the rest of them. There were a lot of gay men, bitter single women (not that all single women are bitter. Just these ones.) and people dangling crystals to try to hone their energy. "Can I touch your crystal?" was uttered constantly in the hallway. There were also a lot of teens having sex under the stage, but that's a different story.
Ragu dragged me onstage after a performance once and popped the question. Ironically, I'd been debating breaking up with him. Instead it just seemed like a good idea to say yes.
So I did.
We set the wedding date on 27th of December. We got married on the stage of the children's theatre. Ragu designed the lights. I was underwhelmed by them.
My dress was a donation to the theatre, actually. I did wear white, I just wore used white. A woman had bought it for her wedding. The groom left her at the altar. She got drunk, partied at her reception, and donated the dress. I used the dress as my wedding dress, as did two others after me.
Ironically, that dress is present in 4 divorces, and those are just the ones I know of.
We had a big wedding thanks to free theatre seating, but a tiny reception. We had a tight budget so everything was handmade. My veil, my flowers, the reception, all of it. Looking back it all seems so childish and pathetic, but that's time for you.
Here's a photo of me and Ragu, with the minister behind me (we were married by a woman. Ragu the Catholic wanted a traditional Catholic ceremony. I wanted a Native American blessing. Can I touch your crystal?).
The look on my face says it all.
Yes, I was taller than he.
Yes, that was my formerly enormous rack, constrained by the mother of all corsets.
And yes, that marriage failed. It sputtered and died and lasted just over one year before I lost my patience with the complete numpty known as Ragu, and I'd definitely had enough of his temper. The divorce took another year as my ex dragged his heels, and in the end I was left with nothing but tens of thousands of dollars of debt. At least I was free of him.
I still have a protective order against him, though.
Not like he's likely to show up here. He doesn't even know my name. And I'm well over my fear of him stalking me now, like he did when I bailed. Instead, I think I'd kick his ass. And laugh at him. Or do both at the same time.
Wedding number two then.
Because like all mistakes, I have to make them twice.
I met X Partner Unit at a business conference in Sweden. 11 year my senior (there's a pattern here) he was very nice and polite. I figured he was married with a Volvo and two children. I finally twigged that he wasn't when he started paying attention to me. Attention was nice, especially as I was just getting out of another relationship with another total pillock, because that was what I did best.
He proposed months after we met. I said yes. According to Swedish tradition, we swapped rings. In Sweden you both wear a plain band when you're engaged, upgrading the woman's ring to something with a sparkly when you finally say I do.
I then emigrated to Sweden and moved in with him, also taking a new position at Company X, where I'd been working in the States. Company X of course was where I met another guy that I was wildly attracted to and thought of often, even putting thoughts of him aside as I married someone else. Yes, I feel awful about that.
I guess it's not often you run into an Angus in life.
X Partner Unit and I paid for the wedding ourselves, and we had it in Swedish style. We got married in a very old church. I don't even know most of what was said. My gown was new, and from New York, and this time the bride wore beige. The veil was from Helsinki. The shawl was from London, and my underthings were from Paris. I felt like someone I wasn't.
I guess I was.
We had a big wedding ceremony and a big reception at a centuries old brewery on 17 June 2000. It was a fun party. And unlike my first honeymoon in Fredrickburg, TX, we splashed out and honeymooned on the Italian Riviera.
That marriage lasted 3 years. The divorce was quick and simple - I signed over the assets to him and I kept the name that we'd made up together and which I love. I did love him, I really did. I know looking back that prior to Angus, I only really ever loved two men, and X Partner Unit was one of them. He was a good man with a good heart, and he took care of me. He also had a frightening and violent temper and I know he never really knew me. When I was laid off he planned for us to move to China, where I'd stay at home in the Company X armed compound (yes, really.) Any man who thinks I would be ok with that doesn't know me at all.
We've been engaged for over a year now. I think I've picked out my wedding ring. Our folks are all hounding us, but honestly we're not in a hurry. It'll happen when it happens. Last year we focussed on having twins. This year we're focussed on raising twins and the roof. Next year? Maybe. Who knows. Angus wants a wedding for all our family and friends to celebrate. Me, I wouldn't mind eloping. No more complication. But I think we'll settle for something like renting a hotel in the Highlands and having a weekend with people we love.
And this time, the bride is going to be wearing color.
-H.
PS-I bought this for a Race for Life walk that Nora and I are signed up to the first weekend in June (in which one of us will be pulling our weight and one of us? Not so much.) Thoughts?
Posted by Everydaystranger at May 20, 2008 10:47 AM • TrackBack .http://blog2.mu.nu/cgi/trackback.cgi/243275
Listed below are links to weblogs that reference 'Always a Bride, Never a Bridesmaid' from Everyday Stranger.
Ha, I knew there was something I liked about you - not being height prejudicial. As Iam a lot shorter than my wife, like 5'3 and she 5'10. yes we draw lots of looks and stares and even a few giggles.. but now that we have been together for 22yrs it matters not.
Best wishes for you and your expanded family.
I agree with everyone else. You can see how happy you are in photos and the ones of you and Angus are the best. Glad you finally found Mr. Right!
Posted by: B. Durbin at May 24, 2008 05:34 AMGood luck in your race. I did the US version, the Race for the Cure, a few weeks back. I'll keep doing it as long as I can walk because I'm tired of burying friends and relatives. We need a cure.
If you're accepting donations on your behalf, you could email me and I'd be glad to give a bit more for this cause.
You and Angus were made for each other. I'm glad that you finally found each other. I know from experience what it's like to meet the person you're supposed to be with. Makes all of my prior loves look pale by comparison.
Posted by: physics geek at May 21, 2008 05:58 PMHello ... you do look beautiful but your 'when it's right' upcoming wedding will be by far the most stunning.
Walking with N on back ... hmmm. Have you practised? Not sure I would do it without - will it hurt your back? Will it rub your shoulders? What about using a buggy and jogging ... silly idea? :o)
Posted by: moira at May 21, 2008 09:04 AMWow, that expression is telling in that first picture.
You'll be a lovely bride no matter what and where. I will live vicariously through pictures. You know I'm wedding obsessed...
Posted by: donna at May 20, 2008 10:10 PMYour marriage history sounds a lot like my wife's. Her first was to an immature and bad-tempered Italian, which lasted for three years, and the second was to an abusive jerk which lasted all of eight months. The third was (of course) to me, which will have lasted 10 years come November.
Unfortunately her first husband passed on too many of his negative personality traits to their children (my stepson and stepdaughter) who were wonderful, loving kids until they hit adolescence, when they became utter assholes (particularly my stepson). Something not appropriate to go into detail about here, but I may eventually blog about on my own.
Hopefully your third time will be the charm. My (unsolicited) advice is to get married when you & Angus decide it's time and not a moment before. Or a moment after.
Posted by: diamond dave at May 20, 2008 08:17 PMI think you should elope and have a Disney wedding. Snow White themed and the 7 dwarves as attendants!
:-P
Ok, you know better than that, but what the hell.
And you know how much I LOVE the Mei Tai already.
Posted by: caltechgirl at May 20, 2008 07:32 PMThe third time's the charm - as they say. You looked lovely in both those weddings and the grooms were handsome men. But Angus is a keeper and he's better looking than the others! LOL Wear red or purple and don't carry red flowers this time! (not that I have anything against red - but change it up a little.)
Posted by: kenju at May 20, 2008 06:42 PMthanks for sharing the stories - I've wondered about these other marriages you have mentioned. You'll find the right time and place to make it official with Angus - it sounds like you two have something very special.
I love the mei tai you chose. I don't really know you, but what I know of you from your writing - that pattern seems very 'you'.
Posted by: Carol at May 20, 2008 06:39 PMDecember wedding.
Bride wearing BRIGHT RED.
Babies wearing velvet red and green.
Living happily ever after.
Just a thought that popped in my head. My Mommies™ talk about a woman from their high school class who married in December wearing red velvet - TOTALLY scandalizing their small town (which, incidentally, is where Ilyka lives now and it's not so small.)
It's different. It's unexpected. It's just my 2 cents.
And you are so beautiful, darling.
P.S. I found my Mister Right. I just didn't know his first name was "ALWAYS." BWAHAHAHAA!
Posted by: Margi at May 20, 2008 06:11 PMThanks so much for putting faces to X-Partner Unit and Ragu, and your younger self. As a woman who had a breast reduction I can appreciate the amount of work that went into stuffing yourself into that first wedding dress.
On a serious note, it is lovely to see a pictures of you at significant stages in your life, each one bringing you closer to Angus.
As you have written, you fled to North Carolina to get away from Ragu, where you got the job with Company X, where you met X-Partner Unit. Then you moved to Sweden where you eventually met Angus, (okay, in was in Thailand), but you know what I mean.
I love it when a cosmic plan comes together. No crystal touching here, people, move along.
On a totally difference subject, can we donate to this Walk For The Cure? Does Nora need sponsors? How many candy bars does she need to sell for the band trip? (Oh wait, that's not till next year at least!) But seriously, we, your reading audience would like to donate, so let us know.
It's not far from Solihull to the Highlands...a quick trip in the car. What do you mean you are only inviting people you love? I thought you loved me?!
Posted by: Bee Cee at May 20, 2008 05:48 PMYour second dress was exactly what I had wanted for my wedding. It's not what I got eventually (and I did love my dress) but it is what I was looking for when I started looking. You look beautiful!
Posted by: Jen at May 20, 2008 04:33 PMI love the wedding stories & the Mei Tai too. But having lost my mother to breast cancer, using something called "Pink Day of the Dead" somehow makes wouldn't be right for me! You will look adorable in it though--and thanks for walking!
Karie
Posted by: Karie Bala at May 20, 2008 04:32 PMO_o
Can I just say it's really strange to see you in a wedding dress with someone OTHER than Angus?
Now you've ruined my day...*goes off grumbling*
;-P
Glad you two are still planning on marrying; third time's a charm, right? (couldn't resist, sorry) heh
(Still CANNOT GET OVER the other two guys! You belong with Angus, period.)
Posted by: The other Amber at May 20, 2008 04:11 PMI agree with the others that you look more radiant and content now than every before. I'm sure whatever you and Angus decide to do will be perfect.
Cute carrier!
Posted by: sue at May 20, 2008 02:40 PMYou have a face that will never age- lucky you!
I love the Mei Tai... cute pattern.
Posted by: Andria at May 20, 2008 02:32 PMNeither of those pictures look like you. Yes, yes...the physical you...but they lack the essence of you. They lack that inner glow that exudes from you, especially since the twins were born.
Amazing the lessons we learn...
And I never did thank you, or let you know, the full impact a private email you sent me years back made on my life. Because of you, I had the courage to walk away from my marriage. Because of your influence, I am still alive. Thank you.
Posted by: Lauren at May 20, 2008 02:30 PMThat first picture makes me want to cry - especially after having seen other pictures of you looking absolutely radiant over the years. Even the last few pictures before the twins were born, you looked... contented?
Anyway, I had to look carefully before recognizing you in the first picture. You've gotten more beautiful as the years have gone on.
Posted by: Hannah at May 20, 2008 01:45 PMThat was very interesting, thanks for sharing. I cant imagine you with anyone BUT Angus. The 2nd one was kinda cute tho!
Posted by: Cheryl at May 20, 2008 01:33 PMMmmm...sounds lovely! We eloped - my mother would have driven me insane otherwise. Also, that one week was the longest we had ever been alone together, as we both had children coming into the relationship.
First off,
"I like to tell myself that they're all coping with a life now that includes sag from all those boob jobs. I'm probably wrong."
I went to my 10th high school reunion. You're actually not that far off. ;^)
I have nothing deep to add... whether thanks to lots of expensive therapy, or just the benefit of experience, you definitely know yourself better than most. It's something I admire in you (and in others who are similarly blessed.)
Posted by: Sarah at May 20, 2008 01:23 PMOMG, that look on your face in the first photo is priceless! Can't wait to see what color you choose :)
Posted by: geeky at May 20, 2008 01:19 PMThat first picture breaks my heart. I want to reach in and rescue that woman-child, and I am not normally the rescuing type. You look all shades of miserable, and no bride should look like that on her wedding day, regardless of what the marriage turns out to be.
You look beautiful in the second picture, but comparing it to the pictures of you and Angus? I can see where your heart really needs to be. You two are so good for each other.
Do what you want this time, and wear the deepest, brightest shade of whatever f*cking color you want-you more than deserve the right.
Love that baby carrier-*squeeeee*!!!
Posted by: Teresa at May 20, 2008 01:13 PMI highly recommend the eloping idea. Vegas, Elvis, Done. No matter how hard you try, it's impossible to make that one day represent an entire life together. Let the life together represent itself. And the wedding day - meh - just have fun! Fu ck centerpeices, ugly bridsmaid gowns, crazy relatives, caterers that don't show up on time, dj's that suck - who needs that? Who thinks that's fun? Even if it's perfect, by the time you get there, your too exhausted to enjoy it. Oh, and it costs a mint too. So seriosuly - Vegas, Elvis, Done.
Besides, how many people do you know who were married by Elvis in Vegas?
Posted by: Clancy at May 20, 2008 12:54 PMSooo not fair that you are only getting more beautiful as time passes!!!
And yes, your face on that first pic spoke VOLUMES. You really, really looked stunning at your second wedding.
Posted by: redsaid at May 20, 2008 12:07 PMYour facial expression is priceless on picture 1.
Someone should burn that dress, if it's failed that many people!
We eloped, well sort of, a couple of friends and my parents flew out with us. We want to have a reception this summer, but by reception I mean a party. I don't want to deal with seating charts or anything of the sort, or worry about offending anyone. We hav'n a party...
The ex's may not have know you, but it sort of sounds like you more recently (as in the past few years) really got to know yourself. That alone could be the big difference as well.
Posted by: Angela at May 20, 2008 12:02 PMRemember they said third times the charm.....at least you never had children with the first two so you NEVER have to deal with them now....good luck I think you have found your mr right.....
Posted by: Cris Peebles at May 20, 2008 11:40 AMHelen - I have never walked a 5K with a baby on my back. I do have a Korean baby carrier which is very similar. My babies loved it, but had to be in the right mood - sleepy - to enjoy it. Loved the pictures. You are so beautiful in both pictures, thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Judi at May 20, 2008 11:34 AM