Tracy, in case you're referring to my post about wanting to "smack" those who said it was "okay" to leave them alone, I never said it was "okay" that Angus' ex is doing this; in fact, I said that leaving my kids for a weekend at 18 and 14 was a huge mistake. I also said that the ex, if she is at all introspective, is going to regret this someday.

I don't think anyone posted it was "okay", actually.

On my part, I did try to reassure Angus and Helen who can't stop what is happening right now; that yes, the kids are most likely going to be okay. They'll have their routines, they'll go through whatever they go through but it's highly unlikely anything horrible is going to happen to them.

Sharing the times I was alone or handled things on my own when I was young is meant to reassure them; NOT to suggest I think it's "right" that the ex has left them alone. She is dead wrong to have left them at this age.

And I think that's what the other commenters meant as well. In fact, I didn't read where anyone said specifically they were cheering on the ex and pooh-poohing Angus and Helen's concerns.

I know I didn't.

I can't imagine leaving kids that age alone for the better part of 2 weeks. What is she thinking?

I know Angus doesn't want to make matters worse with the Swunt, but maybe it's time for him to consult his divorce attorney and find out what options (if any) are available. Your concerns for Jeff's mental health are valid ones and the Swunt's behavior is bordering on neglect.

I love the idea of regular mail/care packages for the kids, especially for Jeff. If the Swunt and Melissa plan another horse weekend, maybe you could invite Jeff to come stay with you? I dunno if it's feasible or if it would cause jealousy on Melissa's part, but that way he could have a Dad-Son weekend with Angus while the girls do their thing.

Around here (Germany) it's not tolerated to let a 15 and an 11 yo alone for two weeks. If social services get to know, the children would be in foster care, or with their father before Mom's coming home. And there would be lots of stuff to talk about to Mom.
I'm not quite sure if the effects of your house being a building site will be so devastating to Jeff. You and Angus and your relationship are his anchors, I think.
Keep your spirits up,
Lily

Jeff is so much like my youngest stepson. He went through all of that sort of stuff. He's 19 now though, and a really lovely young man, who, while he still lives with his mother, sees her faults, and loves his step-mother too, and knows she's not a bitch, despite what his mothers has told him.
I know it's hard, but they do grow up, and with all the love they get from both sides of their family, they seem to end up ok :)

Tracy, feel free to slap me because I have felt conflicted since I posted. I shared this with my husband who laughed and reminded me that while, yes, I did survive, perhaps not unscathed. We used to split work shifts at our house so no kid was ever home alone, not even when teenagers. And when our older son was in Iraq we never left our younger son (age 19) home alone for fear of that knock on the door...
So I guess there are no answers, only trying to share possible coping strategies.

Heh. You've got great parental intuition mixed with the sense to be a responsible adult. All the kids around you are fortunate. Just try never to doubt that, even during a hang over;)

Have been thinking about this all day...
Is there a way for them to bring their schoolwork with them, so they're still keeping up with what's going on in school, even though they'd be away?

Second, do you think it'd work with Jeff to set up some kind of a code word he can use when he's feeling the need for more attention? You know - a la Muskrat in Meet the Parents? I'm just thinking a kid his age might dig the "secret code", and he might see the merit in getting attention without the negativity. It's a pipedream - but maybe. Also, we gave our daughter a "mad pad" - a sketch book used to write down what's bothering her rather than doing things for negative attention. That one actually works sometimes. But - girls are also usually better about articulating their feelings. I don't know - just another idea.

I do like the care package/mail idea. In the world of email, I think they're more special than ever.

I dunno - this is making ME anxious, so I can imagine how you and Angus feel. I hope it all works out.

(And I'm going to resist the urge to virtually smack everybody who said it was ok for them to be alone. NOT.OKAY. *grumble*)

And this is something you can do that will let them feel a part of the house now that it is being redone, get them both some spray paint, let them paint their names and whatever messages they want to say with the dates on the floors that will be covered with carpet or flooring, take pictures, and tell them that someday, someone will find their message they left. My bedroom says this house belongs to Donna and Jim.
Or a time capsule buried in the flooring concrete, or handprints in the walkways. All those things give a child permanence.

oh my..very frightening for the older child to have all that responsibility...good thoughts going that way to ensure those days are uneventful for them.

wow. wow.

gosh I'm so glad that my step-children and grown. It solved every problem we ever had in our relationship - our only fights were over the ex, and her handling of the kids. Now that they're grown, we no longer have to deal with her, we can just have a relationship with the boys on our terms. You have that to look forward to. Melissa and Jeff will respect you for your values. I know my stepkids thought I was a monster when they were younger - what with all my rules and manners and such - and they have since thanked me for it, said they learned things from me that they never would have learned otherwise.

Jim's ex would do wierd money stuff too - she could go to hawaii, but couldn't afford to pay for a haircut or yearbook for them. She insisted in the divorce that she should not have to work so that she could be home for her kids when they got out of school. Well it certainly wasn't for the purpose of helping them do their homework, because she let them practically flunk all their classes until their father stepped in. crazy.

oy. I could go on about it for hours. I don't envy your situation right now. But I can at least tell you from experience that it gets better - you just a few years to stick it out.

Personally, methinks you got setup and screwed. This smells like it was planned, with the knowledge that you and Angus would never tolerate the kids being left alone and come to the rescue at your inconvenience. If I still drank, I'd toss one back for ya too.

No change to my advice: stay on the higher road no matter what, because lowering yourselves would cause you to lose in the long run. Melissa and Jeff are who's most important here.

And Good Grief, has the world gone crazy over there? Animals have more legal rights than children? I love animals and believe in their humane treatment, but give me a break. No wonder so many family units are breaking down over on that side of the world (pardon the bash). At least you and Angus are doing your part to keep up a strong family.

Holy. F*ck.

Jeff is so lucky to have you two. So lucky that you're aware of what's going on and trying deal with it. Lucky that you're willing to admit that something's going on, which the swunt does not seem willing to. Is there anyway you could set up a therapy appointment for Jeff while he's with you? It might be hard to have sessions so spaced, maybe he could do phone sessions, but I really agree that he should be seeing someone. That's a lot for anyone to deal with, never mind a little boy.

I hope think this visit will go well. Camping's always fun, ut will be an adventure! Like others have said, it might be good for them to see what you went through to make the house big enough for them. That you love them so much you're willing to turn your life upside down for a little while to make sure they have a comfortable, permenant space in your home together. And again, like others have said, stability at your house comes from your love.

I stayed at home when I was a teenager, but only because my next door neighbour was like family. (And then we moved and they let me stay...I may have had a party and the aftermath may have been the only time I ever heard my dad say f*ck.) Is there anyone around that could check in on them? Does Melissa have a friend who might be allowed to stay over? Do they have an old babysitter who might be able to stay over (and maybe then they could call her parents if anything happened)? I recently 'babysat' for a 16 yo and an 11 yo overnight while their mom was gone on business (their dad is in another city). The mom was a little conflicted about whether they were old enough, but ulimately decided she would just feel better if there was someone there in case, something happened. From fire to stomach flu. Could you tell her straight up that you'll call child protective services if she does this? Nine days is a really long time. Gah.

This all sucks so much. But Jeff and Melissa will be ok because you two love them so much and so unconditionally. There is so much hurt here, but you're making space for healing. That sounds so corny, but I think it's true. Just keep loving them.

Sure a 15 & 11 year old are capable of handling 2 weeks home alone. In the Solomon house we don't aim for what's ok, acceptable, or good; we aim for what's best (NOTE: we don't always hit our mark, but that's what we aim for. : ) So I presume they'd be fine for 2 weeks in a row but would never do it. The Swede might be right that this could be good for their independence (no Swede bashing), but it's simply not what's best for them.

Are things so much better in America? I live in NC, and there's no age minimum for leaving one's children home alone that I know of, and I've looked. To the best of my knowledge, 10 is the acceptable age but not the legal age.

Can't leave a dog alone for more than 6 hours? Seriously? I trust you were exaggerating. How could a single person who works an 8 hour day own a dog?

I will keep this short. Lived by myself from ages 15 to 17 until I left for college. Mom technically lived at home, but went to college full time and stayed over with friends as it was easier. Not the best situation, but for Melissa and Jeff who have each other and for the short term and with your support they will be okay. Especially if they can call the authorities if something scary happens. As a 15 year old girl alone by myself at night that was actually more comforting than it sounds. As for the camping in the garden, if they feel too far away, you can always have them camp indoors, something we resorted to when renovating. Put the tent up in an area that isn't being actively worked on, even if it has to be moved every couple of days, so that the kids still feel close to the fridge, the outlets, the computer or you guys. It seems silly, but if nerves are frayed it may help to feel included to be in the footprint of the house even if they aren't actually under the roof. I hope it goes well. My heart goes out to all of you. I know that my mom thought she was doing what she had to in order to survive, but truthfully her message was she was done being a mom her behavior ruined our relationship.

I can say nothing constructive without using four-letter words, so I'll just say I'm wishing you wine and acetaminophen tablets - both taken as needed, of course.

You're doing the best the situation allows.

xoxo

As step-mom to a 13 year-old boy, there is NO WAY I would leave him alone for that long, even with an older sibling. Even if I thought he could handle it (noooo), the message that it sends isn't acceptable. Why would I want my kid to think that he's so unimportant? As parents, we're there to guide, protect and teach. Ugh.

May I make one small recommendation? If it scares Jeff when you two have a go at each other, make sure he sees the *resolution* of the fight, too. Our boy freaked out the first few times Aaron and I were angry with each other. Now that he's seen us have a fight, talk it over afterward, and *fix* the problem, he understands and feels more secure.

Much, much love to you and yours.

-C

15 and 11 MAY be old enough to be left lone for 9 days. However, I'd say that 15 and 11 from an unstable situation wouldn't enjoy it, even if they were perfectly capable.

There was one point when my brother dated a girl whose mother just up and left one day. Since it was a divorce case, that meant the girl— at all of 13— was left in charge of her younger siblings for the better part of a week before anyone figured out something was wrong. That girl's a licensed psychotherapist now, I think I see the impetus.

Anyway. I'd probably have been okay at the age of 11 being alone for a few nights. But I wouldn't have enjoyed it and my parents wouldn't have done it; latchkey afternoons were bad enough.

Angela already said what I was going to, that a tent in your backyard is far safer and more stable than being home alone for two weeks. Good God. Is there no legal recourse in Sweden?

On the other hand how awesome is it that Jeff feels safe enough to tell his dad how he feels? Poor kid.

Oh. My. Gawd. Is it so different in Europe that this is an acceptable practice? Because I too am quite a bit shocked. My 14 year old can do everything for herself and her step-siblings, but I'll be stitched if I would EVER leave them overnight alone, let alone for a week or more. And I have family within walking distance who could be here in heartbeat if anything went wrong. But still - I WOULD NOT take that risk under ANY circumstances. Part of the reason I just quit my job was the number of evenings my husband was putting in at work well past midnight - leaving the kids home alone just in the evening. I can't even FATHOM leaving for days.

So - not bashing the swunt, but I entirely see your point on this.

We go through much of the same - my almost 12-year-old has admitted to the same as Jeff - any attention is ok, even if it's negative, as long as it's attention. I had hoped this would improve with time and therapy, but no such luck.

Even if your home IS a war zone right now, I still think it's good for him to be with you guys. Camping out in the yard is something our kids love to do - even if they do end up inside before the night is over, due to freaking themselves out. I know there's not much you can do about that one week, but for the other, be the parent who is there, who is stable, who doesn't play favorites. It's hard, but the payoffs will be there eventually.

I stayed by myself for a night or two at 11. And at 15, my parents would have been okay if my brother was home, but he was 19 at the time. (And now that I think about it, it was probably more dangerous with him home, as those were his very naughty hears.) I think at Melissa's age (and her feistiness that I gather from your posts), it's less about what she will fear and things happening to her and more about what kind of trouble she'll get herself into.

I know Jeff wants attention. And maybe this is a silly idea, but how are packages and mail received over at the Swunthouse of Crazy? Does she go batshit upon receiving packages from y'all for the kids? I ask because maybe you can start sending weekly postcards to Jeff? As a kid, I loved mail. A postcard would make my whole week! (And they're cheap.)

When I was in college--and I wasn't 11, it should be said, as I am no Doogie Howser--my mother sent me a package a week. Sometimes it was full of silly things, toys, etc. Other times it was just a padded envelope with stationary and stamps. Would this flip Mel out if you only sent to Jeff?

(also, sent you an email)

Damn. Seriously? Damn.

I hope that in the long run the good of the visit to you guys (esp. Angus) is balanced out by the camping-out-in-the-garden aspect of the visit for Jeff.

Woah-that's a long time to be home alone. I know I am a big chicken who still checks the locks twice (okay, three or four times) when I go to bed, but still-not a good thing.

I hope it all goes OK. I know things may seem unstable at your house right now, but it still sounds loads better then with the Swunt.

Keep your chins up, and carry on like you always do. You are in my thoughts-all of you.

We thought our 18 y/o daughter would be okay for a weekend with her 14 y/o brother while we jetted off to Vegas for a weekend.

They were both very mature; she had a part time job and her own car she bought and paid for herself, he was a good kid, too, both very mature kids. We said he could have one friend over while Lucy was there and Lucy could have *two* friends we trusted over but that was it. They wouldn't do anything stupid, right?

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! We were the stupid ones. She threw a huge party, trashed the house but she was smart enough to clean it up before we got home except for a few clues; a bottle of booze that rolled out mysteriously from under a couch, the backyard grass had been *flattened*, our neighbors told us all about the big party, she'd blown out our expensive stereo speakers but most damning of all, she'd accidentally left a message on our answering machine with her phone while she was cleaning up and there was this message with her yelling at everyone to get out above the roar of the music and what sounded like hundreds of teenage voices babbling and the "clink clink" of bottles being thrown into a bag.

It's funny now when I remember her face as we played back the message for her but we weren't laughing at the time.

Oh and the police had been summoned for noise nuisance, we found out. Lovely!

Not trying to scare you guys or minimize your concerns; just pointing out that kids and parents do stupid things but somehow most of the time everything works out okay. Angus will be calling them a lot and he'll get off the phone bitching about his ex and you'll both fume, you'll both be on pins-n-needles during the nine days but they will come through it okay. Melissa will probably have some friends over, something will get broken, Melissa will try to "mom" Jeff and Jeff will yell at Melissa, "You're NOT MOM! I HATE YOU!", she'll call Angus who will try to parent them over the phone, you'll both get pissed off about the entire situation, Melissa and Jeff will learn a lot about themselves and etc., etc., teenage/parent angst and drama.

I wouldn't leave them alone either but...they'll be fine. I remember being 15; I'd been sexually active for a year by then (don't freak out, I'm not saying *Melissa* is but eventually she will be) I'd gotten myself out of some pretty hairy circumstances by myself, I'd turned down drugs many times, I'd avoided being gang-banged, being beaten up...yeah, at 15 I wasn't an adult but I wasn't *totally* stupid either. I remember being 11 and my brother throwing a huge party while my mom was gone on a seminar for her business. I survived the party although I thought he and his friends were being stupid.

Jeff and Melissa are bright kids, they will step up and make appropriate decisions in the end; they have YOU for role models, do they not? :)

As for stability, the stability is not in your house or in a tent but in *you two*. That's why Jeff got so upset when he saw you fighting. Let him know (if you haven't already) that it's important to learn how to argue well. That the world would be a better place if we all learned how to disagree and still remain friends. That when you and Angus argue, it's a growth experience for you both. And yatta, god, if I don't stop I never will; I've become garrulous these days, now in my dotage and all. ;-P

And don't hate on the Swunt *too* much. Because one day she's going to look back and regret doing this. And that will not be a happy day for her. Once your kids grow up and leave, your mistakes as a parent loom so large at times, you cannot bear it. Well, I'm assuming she'll get to that stage; not everyone is introspective.

Okay, I said I'd stop and I will. {{{{hugs for you all}}}}

It'll be fine. :)

I have teenagers! I know what kinds of things they are capable of. I also know that they aren't ready to be left alone even for 1 night. Their maturity level and ability to think in a crisis is not very well developed. Does she have a plan should one of the kids get sick or have an accident? Is someone going to be looking in on them? It is unbelievable to me that she would even consider this to be ok. What do the kids think about her leaving them home alone?

You and Angus have every right to be seeing red over this one. It isn't about who gets what or who has more, it's about their welfare and safety.

I do agree that it will be good for Jeff to see the sacrifice that you are making, living in cramped quarters, so that you can provide them with a nice space of their own.

I hope it goes well!

No bashing. I can totally sympathize. Been there, done that. The whole visit thing is a great idea, even with the mess... and trust me, the kids will just remember it as a great adventure getting to camp in the yard. It may also make them feel more part of the house re-do to see some of it in action.

I understand your anger and frustration. Just do what you're doing, giving unconditional love to them both - that's what they'll keep coming back for.

I would never leave my children alone overnight at that age myself, and certainly not for two weeks. Yikes. Huge hugs for you, Angus and all the kiddos. I also agree that seeing the house in a state of turmoil will help the kids realize what all was involved in re-creating their spaces. I think in the long run that might be better than thinking the "house fairy" just came in and turned things around overnight. I'm sure it will all be just fine.

Hello. I dont think stability comes from bricks and mortar but from people, love, understanding and acceptance. They will get this with you so I think, whilst not ideal timing, it's good that they are coming and maybe it will actually be great for J to see the interim position with the house and feel part of the change? Rather than arriving and it's all different?

And I CANNOT believe that there are no laws in sweden against leaving children of that age - outrageous. What is she thinking of?

I'm so sorry for all this drama you have going on. I can't believe there is a law that says you can't leave a dog more than six hours but no law about leaving children of a certain age home alone!

I can't even imagine how hard all of this is on you, Angus, Melissa and Jeff.

Oh, heavens, I don't think children should be left alone for that long either.

Vent away. It seems like you deserve it.

I've said it before and I will again. It will not be long and these two will know your house is home. where they get the attention, love and structure they deserve and crave. Keep your head up Helen, in the end you will win their love just being you.

While they are there with you, there should be a "myspace" party at her house . . .*snicker*

I was home alone at 15 and I turned out o.k. *twitch* :)

I think the 6 hours for a dog law sounds great, wish they'd do that here. There should be protection for children too. Although, you'd think that common sense would tell you when it's the right time to leave the children alone, and then try it gradually...a few hours here and there and then an overnight. Sigh.

If I was off to Sweden in the next week or 2, I'd gladly pop in on them every day for you. Sadly, I'm not.

Even though they will be camping out in the yard, it's still more stable an environment with you & Angus then by themselves or worst at home with the Swunt.

On a second note, I don't think 15 is too young to be home, but we always had a neighbor who would stop in every couple days to make sure I was ok. Perhaps you could arrange to have a friend's parents stop in a couple times during the week?

I hope that Jeff chooses to live with you and Angus when he is old enough to do so. He obviously needs more than he is getting at home . Leaving them home alone for that length of time is irresponsible and in my mind, criminal.

Wow. Maybe a good party that trashes the house would be just what she needs to wake up huh? Or maybe you could just move into her house while she's gone, when she shows up for the weekend, act all innocent like "What? We were just babysitting, and since our house is being remodeled we didn't think we should have the kids in a tent when they could be in their own home while you were gone, so we came here." Completely logical huh? This could be big fun. If she complains, then hey, she left them alone, you were only doing her a favor looking after the two ALONE kids.
Ok, that is the end of my stupid attempts to cheer you up with bad suggestions.
How old do they have to be before they can decide where they want to live? Maybe Jeff can do that.

Unbelievable! I reckon that they will enjoy camping for the week, and seeing what you are doing to the house so that they will have their own space. Just being with you will be good for them, because no matter how hard it is, they do know you love them.

Hope it all goes ok - will be sending you good thoughts.

No attack; jsut sympathy for you, Angus, Jeff and Melissa. And amazement that one can leave children unattended nigh onto two weeks but not a dog for over 6 hours. Amazing

*lol* I meant 11, not "ii". Better get my eyes checked...

15 and ii may be old enough to leave alone for a night, but nine days seems a bit long. Oddly enough, the thing that concerns me is that I can remember where the massive parties were when I was in HS.

I never did, but only because I saw how much damage was usually done at these affairs.

However, all you and Angus can do is what you're doing. I'll keep a good thought for all of you.