On 15 June, 2003, I started this blog. Nine years ago tomorrow. A lifetime ago. Momentous this, this nine years.
The other night I had a dream. I was walking through the woods in the dark, the moonlight playing havoc on the shadows, the mist swirling around fallen logs and stilted ferns. I was walking carefully but with purpose, and soon I came upon my prone figure, lying cold on the ground. The walking me took off her coat and laid it on my fallen shoulders, smoothing my hair and whispering in my ear the following:
In order to figure out where you’re going, you first have to figure out where you are.
I woke up in the morning and repeated that phrase to myself again and again. In order to figure out where I’m going, I first have to figure out where I am. Through little whispers wisdom speaks.
It was an awakening.
Life hadn’t been going all that well, either. The stress has been taking its toll. I haven’t known if I was coming or going on some days, I was on automatic and simply getting by. The days were a haze of meetings, bowls of breakfast yogurt, sweating on the cross-trainer, little people, and a future I could just about see but couldn’t reach.
I took my life back. I had dyed my hair red a few months back but with purpose I dyed it back to its near dark color. The world is full of bottle blondes, the world has its share of quirky redheads. I have dark, nearly black hair. The world needs people like us, too, people who look defiantly at what’s before us and says “Fuck this – I am dark. And I am perfectly ok with that.”
I started swimming back to my happy. I’m not there, not by a long shot. And the truth is, there are still issues to be worked out. There will always be. That’s ok too.
15 June 2003. I remember where I was, what I was wearing, where I was sitting when I started this blog. I remember it well because I was watching myself do it. I was there, not knowing where I was going. And the truth is, I still don’t know where I’m going.
But I know this – I have a future. I am close enough to just about see it. And I have to make some movements now, I have to finish this position of understanding where I am, of taking away the safety net that lies behind the screen and trying to be what I have always wanted to be…real.
15 June 2012 is my ninth anniversary of blogging.
15 June 2013 will be my tenth year of blogging.
It will also be my last.
I’m going to put the pen down from blogging on 15 June 2013. This is, if you like, my countdown to getting out what’s left inside of me that needs to be let go, that needs to be worked on, that needs to be shared. Maybe I’ll get there, maybe I won’t, but I’m going to try. I’m going to try to be a better mother. I’m going to try to be a more understanding partner. I’m going to try to be a harder worker. I’m going to try to publish, and severing this safety net is a way of pushing myself towards it.
I’m going to be real.
Barring any shocks to life like cancers or loss (potentially meaning I need a venting forum), then I will stop blogging on 15 June 2013. We have 366 days left together and from here on out it is open, honest, and real. I won’t cross some of the boundaries I put up here in recent years, but I will let things out that need, finally, to be addressed. No schedule of blogging. No agenda. No memes.
Just a last year here on this little site that helped save my life.
Here’s to our last year together.
PS-latest up on In the Powder Room, an equally serious post.