On 15 June, 2003, I started this blog. Nine years ago tomorrow. A lifetime ago. Momentous this, this nine years.
The other night I had a dream. I was walking through the woods in the dark, the moonlight playing havoc on the shadows, the mist swirling around fallen logs and stilted ferns. I was walking carefully but with purpose, and soon I came upon my prone figure, lying cold on the ground. The walking me took off her coat and laid it on my fallen shoulders, smoothing my hair and whispering in my ear the following:
In order to figure out where you’re going, you first have to figure out where you are.
I woke up in the morning and repeated that phrase to myself again and again. In order to figure out where I’m going, I first have to figure out where I am. Through little whispers wisdom speaks.
It was an awakening.
Life hadn’t been going all that well, either. The stress has been taking its toll. I haven’t known if I was coming or going on some days, I was on automatic and simply getting by. The days were a haze of meetings, bowls of breakfast yogurt, sweating on the cross-trainer, little people, and a future I could just about see but couldn’t reach.
I took my life back. I had dyed my hair red a few months back but with purpose I dyed it back to its near dark color. The world is full of bottle blondes, the world has its share of quirky redheads. I have dark, nearly black hair. The world needs people like us, too, people who look defiantly at what’s before us and says “Fuck this – I am dark. And I am perfectly ok with that.”
I started swimming back to my happy. I’m not there, not by a long shot. And the truth is, there are still issues to be worked out. There will always be. That’s ok too.
15 June 2003. I remember where I was, what I was wearing, where I was sitting when I started this blog. I remember it well because I was watching myself do it. I was there, not knowing where I was going. And the truth is, I still don’t know where I’m going.
But I know this – I have a future. I am close enough to just about see it. And I have to make some movements now, I have to finish this position of understanding where I am, of taking away the safety net that lies behind the screen and trying to be what I have always wanted to be…real.
15 June 2012 is my ninth anniversary of blogging.
15 June 2013 will be my tenth year of blogging.
It will also be my last.
I’m going to put the pen down from blogging on 15 June 2013. This is, if you like, my countdown to getting out what’s left inside of me that needs to be let go, that needs to be worked on, that needs to be shared. Maybe I’ll get there, maybe I won’t, but I’m going to try. I’m going to try to be a better mother. I’m going to try to be a more understanding partner. I’m going to try to be a harder worker. I’m going to try to publish, and severing this safety net is a way of pushing myself towards it.
I’m going to be real.
Barring any shocks to life like cancers or loss (potentially meaning I need a venting forum), then I will stop blogging on 15 June 2013. We have 366 days left together and from here on out it is open, honest, and real. I won’t cross some of the boundaries I put up here in recent years, but I will let things out that need, finally, to be addressed. No schedule of blogging. No agenda. No memes.
Just a last year here on this little site that helped save my life.
Here’s to our last year together.
-S.
PS-latest up on In the Powder Room, an equally serious post.
Awwww I will miss you when the time comes! I’ve been reading here for about 8 years and love to check in and see what you’ve been up to. I’m pleased we have one more year :-)
Wow, this is quite interesting…I wonder: will you still write after next year, even if just for yourself? I look forward to the next year, but will be sad to see you go.
Awesome! I’m looking forward to seeing what this next year will bring. I’m sure you’ll do great!
Powerful post. Hard to believe been that long. Been with you from very early. Have enjoyed the ride.
Full of mixed emotion I am. Sad the trip is nearing its end. Joy the purpose of your trip is nearing completion.
Thanx for allowing us to be fellow travelers as I have learned so much about me from you. And will continue to enjoy the trip till the end.
I have been reading your blog for nearly that long, without it I think I will feel bereft… I have read through the highs and the lows and now I feel as though I know you well enough to share a wine and talk about the good old times! I am looking forward to the year ahead, don’t be a stranger alright!
Apparently you missed the memo. You’ll stop blogging on or before December 21st, 2012…when the world as we know it comes to an end. That’s the word on the street. : )
But seriously, wow. I was trying to think the other day how long I had been coming here. Now I know, 8.5 years. I know we don’t always see eye to eye, but I’ve enjoyed coming here for 8+ years.
Thanks for giving us advanced notice. I’d hate if I showed up one day and you shut the blog down without warning.
“In order to figure out where you’re going, you first have to figure out where you are.”
That could be a major theme in a book you write.
By the way, Bear Grylls, of Man vs Wild, shares your sentiment. Anytime he’s in a thick wood, he climbs a tree to try to figure out the lay of the land and where he is. Then he plans out where to go.
Aw, bummer. I was really starting to look forward to Thursdays. Anyway I hope you will keep writing in some form, somewhere, because as they say “a writer writes”.
I wouldn’t have thought that hearing that would make me feel so sad. I’ll miss you, after all of these years. I actually teared up a bit.
Hang in there toots! Will you let us know when the book comes out?
xox
I have been following you from your Twisted Ovary days. It will be strange not to be able to find you here, one day…but I understand that sometimes you’ve just gotta do what you’ve gotta do. I will keep coming here to read for as long as you are coming here to write. You inspire me, Shannon.
Noooooooooooooooooo.
Wow-9 years. Where does the time go. So much has happened, so much has changed, so many tears and laughs.
And I am really looking forward to the year ahead.
You now I’m never letting you go, so there won’t be a goodbye. That helps the sting of losing the blog a bit. But yeah, real is good. Real is necessary.
Congratulations on 9 years! I’ll be reading for however long you choose to continue…
Nooooo! Pout. Because it’s aaaallll about me, if I haven’t mentioned that lately :)
Your quote reminds me of the Cheshire cat in Alice in Wonderland — if you don’t know where you’re going, it doesn’t matter which path you take. Two sides of the same coin, I think.
You will be missed and I will cherish the next 366 days.
Ah, I knew this day would come..
I’ve literally grown up reading everydaystranger (not sure if you even remember this, but at age 16 I performed a monologue of one of your posts in a drama class – what can I say, I’m also a geek at heart). I’m by no means a commenter, but nonetheless I’ve always been drawn to your insights and your incredible way with words. Losing this blog will be the definite end of an era for me (I’m now 23), but I’ve got to say that I’m so freaking proud of you for shedding your proverbial skin and moving forwards into something new.
Best of luck in all your future endeavors.
M x
Wow. Big things. Your blog has always been the first one I check. Thanks for letting us be a part of your journey.
I’ve been reading your blog for about 7 years. I hope you will change your mind about stopping.
It’s time – and it’s been coming for a while. Thanks for the warning. I am going to relish each and every post over the next twelve months. xxx
Awww. But good for you.
I’ve often thought of throwing in the towel but then I never can quite seem to stop. At the same time, it gets harder and harder to fit in time for blogging and the initial angst that promted and fuelled it all is gone.
I can see where you’re coming from but twill be sad nonetheless.
G
How odd. Yours was the first blog I ever looked at, back about 2005 or so. I was impressed, and came by for a while, and I started my own little blog, not exactly inspired by you, but in a way because of you.
And I stopped coming by at some point, as I made blog friends. Back then you were getting like 10,000 comments a day, and after a while I felt lost in the crowd.
Anyway, I think about you now and then, and how good at multitasking you said you were, and about how excellently your blog was written, and I thought I’d stop in today. I never imagined 6 years ago I’d still be writing, or how enjoyable it would be~ it did turn into a bit of a hobby.
So, I guess thats my really low key way of saying hello again Stranger, and thanks! Its a great hobby… and the price is oh so right!
Looking forward to what will surely be a year of great posts.
Having been here for the better part of eight years and drawn inspiration from you to start my own blog, you would really be missed and I hope between now and then you reconsider, even if it meant you went in a totally different direction. But I fully understand your reasoning and wish you the best of luck with whatever you end up doing.
I will be among those who miss you, but I hope that one day after your official quit date I will click on the link by accident and see that you’ve resurrected it long enough for a book publication announcement. Because you have enough talent to make that a reality, and I understand getting rid of the safety net.
This will be a good year.
I started reading your blog because your’s was a friend of mine’s favorite blog.. She had posted that you were here choice blogger to invite to dinner and conversation. It made me curious that. Then she died and I kept reading, commenting occasionally. Wow! It will be hard to let you go.. But I know you have to..go and be a real human – not just an Internet persona.
All the best. And thank you for everything you have ever written here. I will savor and cherish these last days.
~ j
Crap. I feel the same way about this as I do about Alanis Morissette’s last two albums, which is to say, I’m glad you’re becoming your true self and taking control of your destiny and gaining self-awareness and other such existential goodness, but the ramifications for the audience kind of sucks. I will miss your writing in the same way that I miss Alanis being angst-filled.
Maybe you’d consider a topical blog or something, for the future? A place to showcase your quips and comebacks that always crack me up, or perhaps show off your mad renovation skillz. Or you could train Gorby to blog. I’d be okay with that.
I haven’t written before but have followed you since before your babies and my baby was born. Thank you for your honesty and exposing your frailties in a world where women including my close friends are scared to. I look forward to your last year of blogging, I totally understand your reasoning, cheers, clink :o)
You’ll be missed! (Assuming you don’t change your mind, maybe, which nobody will hold it against you…)
I knew that this day would come eventually. I won’t be sad that you’re moving on, but rather celebrating the life still ahead of you. You’ve shared with us your thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams, anguishes and joys, with the latter coming more frequently over the years. You’ve made me laugh, you’ve made me cry, but above all you’ve made me feel honored to experience your life with you, sort of, even though I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting you face to face.
I expect that the best is yet to come for you and yours, so out and enjoy it. You deserve it.
Oh! *conflicted*