A wish list is a beautiful thing. I have one on Amazon and family routinely ask how it is that I can actually want to get books as a gift (to which I have to stifle the shout “Oh my god, who doesn’t want to get books as a gift!”). But the thing about wish lists is that although they cover my severe hardcore love of literature, they don’t cover the other things in life that I wish crave, which sadly Amazon cannot fulfill.
- I wish that people in this household would understand that the toilet paper fairy does not come and magically replace empty toilet paper rolls.
- I wish that our kitchen tap had taps for cold water, hot water, and champagne, and that the water companies would naturally pump all three to the house for the same cost.
- I wish it were possible to take a large family photo without at least one person looking like a dick.
- I wish Amazon would quit fucking suggesting that “Fifty Shades of Grey” is something I need to read.
- I wish Gorby would live forever.
- I wish YouTube would not play out loud on a computer, only via headphones, because seriously I go mental if the TV is playing and music is playing from another source simultaneously. I feel like an electronic Sybil.
- I wish that there could be some kind of severely humiliating punishment (nude in public? Baby photos smeared on Facebook?) that can be doled out for a certain stepdaughter, who may or may not accidentally set their phone alarms to go off at 5:45 am. On Saturday. And Sunday. And then sleep through it so that I have to chew through my teeth and go switch it off for them.
- I wish I didn’t have to hide whatever food it is that I have bought and know I will want but don’t currently want, however if it sits there vulnerable and alone in the fridge another member of this household (multiple offenders in this instance) will liberate it.
- I wish comedies didn’t employ laugh tracks. I’m not an idiot, I can work out when the funny arrives.
- I wish people would stop fucking asking me why I am not on Twitter.
- I wish hospital docudramas about children didn’t make me cry like an idiot.
- I wish Sasha Baron Cohen would. just. stop.
- I wish people wouldn’t sign off their personal emails with “hugs”. My list of people I’m keen to hug is small. It generally doesn’t include people who sign mails “hugs”.
- I wish “reply all” in email would have a filter which would ask “Really? We sure we want to reply to all here, buddy?”
- I wish eBay Chicken (“Should I just buy-it-now? Should I wait it out? What level of emotional angst would I have if I lost out on it?) had a cure. Likewise eBay regret (“Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh, why didn’t I put a higher bid in, how the hell am I going to look myself in the mirror now?”).
- I wish hats were back in fashion.
- I wish that when you finish an unbelievable novel or book on the train/bus/airplane/insert location of your choice that people would come up to you, pat you on the shoulder, nod, and say to you: “I know. I KNOW.”
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Proper wish list. That’d be awesome.
-S.
Yes. YES!
To all of ‘em. Except twitter & the step-daughter, although I mightily sympathise over the latter. Seeing the dawn from the front is not always fabulous.
I’m so glad someone besides me is not on Twitter – and is frustrated by everyone asking why. As to leaving your food vulnerable in the fridge… when my brother lived with us for a few years, my mother called him the human garbage disposal. He couldn’t walk through the kitchen without grabbing something to eat. By the end of those years, everything in the fridge had a masking tape label – “This is Amy’s!” “Do not eat, CLAY!” “Dinner for tomorrow. OFF LIMITS!” Obnoxious, yes, but it may be worth a try.
Some of my wishlist would be well based on yours:
- I wish Youtube had a “smart sound” feature so the next video didn’t blow your eardrums after you had to max the volume on the last one just to watch their lips move.
- I wish movies on TV would automatically turn up the sound so you can hear what the characters are saying, yet turn it back down when the booming music starts.
- I wish you could make cellphones that shatter blissful quiet with their obnoxious ringtones explode just by thinking evil thoughts about it, a la Carrie.
- I wish for a holodeck like what was in Star Trek:TNG where you could replay and relive all your cherished memories. Or at least a brain scan/record/playback device like in the old 80′s movie Brainstorm.
And I’m sorry to say that if it’s ice cream in your freezer, then I’m probably the one sneaking in and “liberating” it. (runs)
I agree with ALL of them, except I don’t have a stepdaughter.
My former employer disabled the “reply all” button in Outlook so that one had to dig around in the drop-down menu to select the option. You’d think that might cure the problem, but no. Those who are determined to reply all will reply all no matter the impediment.
I especially love the last item on your list.
I love your list! Especially the last one. Maybe made better, if when you finished said awesome book, you could launch into torrents of omg’s and explitive filled praised for said book and people around you would stop and listen and discuss it with you!
K, by-
Hugs.. (even though I know you will never hug me back)
Why aren’t you on twitter?
Hugs (and sloppy wet kisses! xoxoxo),
A
Darling, a good hat is always in fashion.
I once chose a hotel in Edinburgh purely because it had prosecco on draught. It was good.
Very much agree with the last one.
I wish it the weather would stop being so crap this “summer”….
- I wish large amounts of chocolate & soda were healthy for me.
- I wish people didn’t get offended (You can’t say anything without offending someone these days. We have differing views, fine. You express yours; I’ll express mine; if neither of us is convinced of the other, we move on unoffended.).
- I wish children didn’t get serious illnesses
- I genuinely wish there was peace on earth.
- And I agree whole-heartedly about that setting the alarm for 5:00am on the weekend.