A lovely friend of mine posted something on Facebook the other day, which then led to a rather surprising discussion. I’m bringing it here, because I found it so odd, so left field, that I had never given it a moment’s thought:
There was a discussion on a forum awhile back about whether or not parents kiss their kids on the lips. I was shocked by how many mothers reacted in disgust saying things like, “No! My lips are for my husband only!” as if kissing on the lips was a purely romantic thing. But I got to thinking that if you weren’t raised kissing your own parents on your lips, then you probably wouldn’t do the same with your own kids. Fair enough, I guess. I always kissed my parents on the lips (I still kiss my mom on the lips and I’m 33 now and still don’t think it’s weird) and I love when our daughter gives me a big kiss on the lips. Thoughts?
My first reaction was: Some parents don’t kiss their kids on the lips?
And the second one was: And some people romanticize the act of kissing to the point of exclusion?
Interestingly, my friend’s comments back on her post were about 70% do kiss their kids on the lips, 30% don’t. It’s not just the statistics on the forum then, some parents just aren’t behind it. And further, those that don’t kiss their kids on the lips were also (largely) not kissed on the lips themselves as kids. The author’s comment is the direction that Melissa went when I mentioned the Facebook dialogue – “If their parents don’t kiss them on the lips, then they will grow up and not kiss their kids, either.”
Every family is different, and I have to be clear that I understand every family has to do what’s right for them. I’m not having a go at parents and families who do not believe in kissing their kids on the lips. For us, we pucker up with the twins in this house. Good mornings kisses, picking-them-up-from-nursery-kisses, I’m-so-happy-with-you-kisses, and the ever-important goodnight kisses – all on the lips (and foreheads, and cheeks, and noses, and ears (particularly when you want to make them shriek with laughter)). It had never entered my mind for a second not to kiss them. I mean yes, of course, kisses are demonstrations of romance. But like there are many varieties of Coca Cola, there are different varieties of kisses. It need not be one fizzy lifting drink fits all, nor do all kisses have the same intention or subtext.
And I was thinking about how maybe it does have to do with how I/we/you were raised, only then I wasn’t sure.
Think about the household you were raised. First off, when you were a kid did your parents kiss you on the lips? Mine did, it was never even remotely weird or had a negative or romantic connotation. We were a very huggly/cuddly household growing up, and my household now is – you can’t sit on the sofa without a little person coming and popping themselves down on your lap/under your arm. My grandparents also kissed us, and again it was equally never anything other than a salutation accompanied by a hug. So my childhood echoes the twins’ childhoods.
But some similarities end – my father used to walk around in his underpants and my mother was regularly completely starkers, a pattern which – surprisingly – is how Alastair’s childhood was (I say surprisingly as I don’t think I know people less inclined to show pale flesh than those two). As an adult I would never walk around the house in my lingerie, nor would I even debate for a moment the option of sitting down and watching TV without a stitch on. It’s not a romantic or sexual issue for me, it’s a modesty one – I like to be covered up. All the time. That said, I do sleep without pajamas and will go hurtling down the hallway to the twins’ bedroom if they wake up from a nightmare and shout for me. I will equally have no problem sharing a changing room with them post-swimming session, and will shower them with me sometimes. Alastair is the same. We don’t associate nudity with shame, we just don’t personally love being without clothing. We don’t discourage the twins from streaking around the house, which they absolutely love to do. Each to their own and all. If “their own” is the definition, then the twins will grow up to kiss on the lips and to be as finely attired as the jaybird in their adulthood. Maybe modesty skips a generation.
I wonder how much of how we interact with our kids on this emotional closeness level has to do with how our childhoods were, what we were exposed to and what was ok/not ok. I think I’m just surprised that kissing on the lips is viewed by some a purely a couple/romantic gesture, when of course I know that is one function of it, but that for me it has other functions.
You? Ok or not ok?
-S.
PS – as ever, back up on In The Powder Room, this time fairly annoyed with Time Magazine.
I never really thought about it, but actually none of my family kiss on the lips and I do find it quite weird, but I can’t really say why. I guess underneath it I somehow think it is a bit weird, at least for my family but I don’t think it’s a problem for me to see other families do it. Thinking about the issue of emotion and physical demonstrations of it, all my Dad’s side of the family are quite huggy and physical embraces are perfectly fine. On my mum’s side it’s quite different, and I guess these things do get passed down the line – just glad I got a bigger portion of my Dad’s genes :D
My grandmother used to kiss us on the lips, but she was the only family member who did. I do remember thinking it was odd, but never felt too grossed-out by it. But I wouldn’t kiss kids on the lips now – too weird.
never thought about it….we’re a kiss wherever it lands family – lips, not lips, doesn’t matter but don’t leave home without doing it and that’s the truth.
We are lip kissers in this house but it’s an interesting question because my mum was never a lip kisser but dad was. I definitely believe our emotional upbringing contributes on so many levels to the kind of parents we are. I wish I was less tired and could contribute more constructively to the conversation but right now I need to sleep, will revisit this post tomorrow to see what the people say!
This is so very interesting to me. My family ALL kiss on the lips and we normally also accomany such kisses with great big hearty hugs. Both my Mom and my Dad were mouth kissers (and a lot of other places – the folds of our necks to get same reaction as your Lemonheads ear kisses). When my son was born I asked people to not kiss him on the mouth from a hygiene stance (darn it I have a horrible feeling I misspelled hygiene) but now that he’s 11 months old we all give him great big smackers right on those gorgeous lips of his.
xxx
I have 2 boys, my oldest (7) kisses me on the lips, but my 5 year old is completely grossed out and only “lets” me kiss him on the cheek. He promptly wipes it off with the back of his hand. I think it is just whatever works for the family. I don’t know if my husband kisses the boys on the lips, I think just their cheeks. I don’t see any problem with it! Great post :)
Until this moment I never gave this a thought. My family home is very much like yours. My childhood home was not. As a child I was kissed only on the forehead and I never saw another adult undressed.
I am a Grandma now and completely enjoy kissing my Grandbaby on the lips, with full sound effects, until she giggles with delight.
I come from a family of huggers–big hugs, often and for no obvious reason. Kissing–not so much. I don’t have kids, and I don’t kiss my nieces and nephews on the lips as a general rule. However, I don’t see a problem with it. I have become a “non-romantic” lip kisser as an adult–with friends both male and female. I think kids imitate what they see from adults, so lip kisses make sense. I can understand how some people would think of a shift as kids get older, but if everyone is comfortable with it, why change? I say smooches are good and should be given and received often!
I was not raised in a on the mouth kissing family so it has been a struggle for me to figure out my own stance on it. I get a little grossed out with my children dishing out non family kisses on the lips.
We definitely dish out kisses on the lips. I still give my parents kisses on the lips when we arrive or leave their house, and it’s no big deal. The interesting thing for me more is that I’m a big hugger and snuggler with my kids and I don’t remember ANY of that as a kid. I don’t remember snuggling on the couch and watching tv or climbing into either of my parent’s laps just to hang out. And I do that all the time with my kids.
Interesting conversation. Never really gave it much thought but now I’m going to be more observant.
Lip kissers! When we were kids as well in my household now. I know some of Veronica’s friends have thought it odd when I’ve kissed her on the lips when saying goodbye or whatever, but she just shrugs it off. Like you said, to each their own-but it is interesting how some things from our child hood cross-over, while others do not. I think it comes down to what we are comfortable with.
Having said that, I don’t think I have ever heard of a kid that doesn’t love to run around nude.
My family wasn’t into lip kissing and neither was I, until AJ came along. Now I never pass up the opportunity with him.
And the nudity thing? Modesty is encouraged around here but streaking little ones aren’t a big deal, as long as they are being taught the boundaries between public and private activity.
I totally have a double standard on this. I kiss my girls ALL THE TIME. Lips, cheeks, necks, top of the head, whatever, and they are ALWAYS on me. We just have a very physically close and demonstrative relationship.
The double standard comes in with my husband – my stepkids live with us full time, and while I don’t mind him being physically affectionate with them, him kissing them on the lips DOES bother me. (Partly because they do get cold sores, I don’t, and I’d rather not start!) Doesn’t bug me when he kisses our (shared) daughter on the lips, but the other kids, it does feel weird.
I know, illogical double standard (except about the cold sores).
We kiss our kids on the lips, but we don’t kiss our foster kids on the lips. We don’t kiss any other kids on the lips either – just ours. I don’t kiss my parents on the lips although we probably did as kids. Now it just skeeves me out.
Kissing my kids on the lips just seems natural. My son isn’t my husband’s bio kid, but my husband has been his dad since he was one, so they’re lip kissers, too.
I’m not a big one for caring about nudity, but kids do need to have at least the equivalent of swim suits on (undies are fine, as long as all the same parts are covered). This has never really been an issue because the kids never get less than shorts + t-shirt or cami. (Or swim suit.) Part of this, too, is because we have kids in foster care living with us. Gotta protect ourselves, my kids, and them, too.
Otherwise, don’t care. I’ll go streaking if the kids are hurt and I have no clothes on. Once the kids are in bed, I’m probably lying on the couch watching TV with undies on and a blankie.
We’re not a lip-kissing family (with some exceptions, see below). We are a very kissy cuddly family, but lip-kissing was seen as something small kids did while they got the hang of social niceties, or that was done with a romantic partner. That said, the idea of other families doing lip-kissing seems perfectly sweet to me. I’m sort-of sad my family didn’t, and discouraged small kids from doing it. Why shouldn’t my little sister still kiss me on the lips?
However, my father, one of my sisters and a couple of uncles did and indeed DO kiss on the lips and I can’t stand it. They all smoke (apologies to any smokers reading, I’m sure you-all do brush your teeth regularly and don’t try snogging JUST after a fag, because you’re civilized, unlike my family), and they all kiss SO HARD it bruises you. I hate it. It’s like being mugged, and it stinks and it tastes nasty and it hurts. It’s typical, isn’t it? The gentle cuddly people I’d happily kiss on the lips won’t, and the unpleasant and physically intrusive insist on it. (I’m quite good at rearing away and presenting them with cheek-or-nothing these days, admittedly).
We are not lip-kissers around here – but we are somewhat germaphobic. My mom is not very physically affectionate, but my dad was. His family was very proper, and we would always kiss cheeks upon enter and exit, but as my aunt got older, she preferred to opt for a super-tight hug, which was nice.
But, I really do actually feel that lip kissing is a far more intimate thing than any other kind of kissing. So, I do prefer to limit it to my husband. And it’s sort of unfortunate that, by age 5, I have already passed it on to my daughter.
We’re not terribly worried about being naked in front of her – saves on showers.
I should also add that my daughter is apparently European, because from an early age, she insisted on kissing both cheeks before I could drop her off at school.
We were neither huggers, kissers nor exhibitionists : ) in my family growing up, but I’m very much a hugger & a kisser with my kids. I think I could walk around with little or nothing on if it wouldn’t gross out my kids. Hopefully it wouldn’t gross out the Super Model Mrs. Solomon. I surely wish she’d walk around nekkid…at least in our room : )
The Solomons are lip kissers…sort of. The Super Model Mrs. Solomon kissed all 3 angels on the lips but stopped kissing Angel1 & Angel2 (both girls) when they were around 12 or so (not sure why). I kissed Angel1 & 2 on the lips until they got to middle school & didn’t want them. I still kiss them on the cheeks all the time. I’ve never kissed Angel3 (a boy) on the lips. I’ve always kissed him on the cheek, but he gets bucket loads of them and for no reason except that I love him.
So the Solomons are breaking out of the pattern set by my parents and my in-laws.
My son was only a couple years old before he refused kisses (giving or receiving) (lips or otherwise). He has an adversion to hugging as well, but we “make” him hug grandparents and you can tell he’s uncomfortable. This of course, is likely due to some kind of mild sensory issue we haven’t really pushed into.
My daughter is the exact opposite. Always touching, curling up against, and yes, kissing. She’s never done this with her dad, but sometimes when I give her a kiss on the lips, she “holds” it, mimicking Disney movie kisses. I felt a bit weird about it at first, but it’s no different than her play-acting anything else at the age of 3.
Like you, I’ve never realized that there was a division out there. Both my husband and myself did not come from physically affectionate families, but I cherish being able to grow that bond with my kids. Early development of that physical connection I think translates to confidence later when kids don’t necessarily show affection, but instead are able to express it verbally. Actions speak louder than words. If I can’t SHOW affection, no amount of words will make up for that. The reverse is true: if kids aren’t allowed to feel comfortable showing their love and confidence in you, they will never be able to speak it.
We are a no-kiss-family. No kisses at all, except for the babies younger than perhaps three years of age. We do not hug. We do not tell each other that we love each other…
We shake hands. Firmly.
So I am still slightly incomfortable when hugging friends, and kisses are reserved for romantic relationships.
*sigh*
My family has a few people that have or have had TB so kissing on the lips was not done, and my ex has herpes simplex, and my daughter busted her lip playing, he kissed her on the lips and gave it to her, and she almost died, it went internally, her tongue swelled till it split, and she gets cold sores now too. My son and I don’t, but I never kissed them on the lips either. The grandkids yes, but then I wouldn’t if I had HS or anything else they could catch. And only then till they start getting embarrassed, “gross, Gramma!”
Lots of hugs and kisses in our family – but lip kisses only for littlies. To this day I will kiss a small child on the lips if that’s how they try and kiss me without an issue BUT one of my friend’s husbands always tried to kiss me goodbye on the lips and I don’t like that AT ALL. :-)
I’m not sure how to respond to this without delving into things that therapy has really only scratched the surface of, but suffice it to say that I think it’s fine either way, but that the decision ought to be left to the child. Children are instinctive about what sort of boundaries they have before they even know what boundaries are, and from experience, when a parent (or friend, teacher, other family member, overly affectionate Mickey character at Disney) does not respect those boundaries – even if what they’re doing is completely innocent and not at all ill-intentioned – it screws with a kid’s head more than I think people realize. I am starting to understand that the boundaries we are raised with and the boundaries we prefer from a young age play into our relationships and our psyches later on. So my feeling is do what makes you comfortable, but never try to force affection on a child (or anyone, really).
I’m pretty sure in the process of writing this I had one of those “ohhhh…now I get it” moments. So I’m quite glad you brought it up.
Nope, no lip kissing when I was little and none now with my 6 & 8 year old. I would say it has to do with grossness…and I mean not of the sexual kind…When they were babies, there was drool and snot…then as they go older just crust in general…I do let them sneak a kiss on the lips and they think they are interacting like Mommy and Daddy…
Leslie B.
we are not very kissy or huggy, but if we were it would be cheeks rather than lips. I didn’t feel unloved as a kid but we had the whole ‘stiff upper lip thing’ (well I am a Brit..!) and as an adult if my parent tries to hug me when saying goodbye I cringe.. I do cuddle my 8 year old but I also have grown up kids and don’t hug them. It’s never been discussed, it just is how we are…
I regularly kissed my parents on the lips, my in-laws on the lips, my children (now adults0, on the lips and my grandchildren on the lips!