Last week I was in a meeting with my team, enjoying my lunch while we worked through the break. It was a homemade lunch. I like taking my lunches to work. It was, in fact, my favorite lunch – a salad complete with beets, cherry tomatoes, new potatoes, pansies (yes really), broccoli, soft-boiled eggs, and tinned mackerel (tastes great, healthy, and the smell of it ensures no one sits next to me and I get my own LAN cable). There I was, eating my lunch. And just as I was popping in a perfectly prepared bite, it happened.
Pop.
My jaw.
It went pop.
Like – really pop.
And instead of subluxing, it actually completely dislocated.
The pain was excruciating. Pure, sheer, white hot electric pain the likes of which I was unfamiliar with. What followed next was a new debate – do I display a mouthfull of partially-chewed food, or do I puke then and there from the pain?
I went with showing partially-chewed food in favor of gastric juices. I’m a giver, me. I threw my bowl and fork on the table and reached in with my fingers to try to wrench my jaw back into joint. I was grasping the inside and outside of my jaw, one hand on the cheek and one hand now partially covered with saliva-salad-goo. I tried in vain to pop it in, like Adam Maitland from Beetlejuice.
My team stared in horror as I failed time and time again.
“Um…are you ok?” one of them ventured cautiously.
“Ohhh ‘eah.” I replied brightly through waves of pain, both hands shoved firmly in my gob. “I’hmmm ‘ine!”
I manoeuvred my jaw back in, although I clearly didn’t get it right – my teeth didn’t line up and I couldn’t chew again. My lovely salad was for naught. Even if I wanted to open my mouth wide enough to eat it, I wasn’t able to masticate (I love that word). Worse, I had to come clean to my team that I have a joint problem (which I was keeping to myself) and that it affects my jaw (because if you think twin comebacks are ridiculously repetitive, you haven’t seen anything until people find out your jaw is fucked up. If one more person asks with an unacceptable level of glee “Wow, will you have your jaw wired shut?” I may have to commit grievous bodily harm.)
My jaw has since dislocated twice more. It is agonizing every time. I have spoken to my consultant and I have an MRI scheduled tomorrow, although he’s now on holiday and he can’t see me (and the MRI results) for another week and a half. The micro-surgery they did before clearly didn’t work and my nice consultant already hesitatingly voiced that what might work would be a surgery that would leave significant scarring on my face. I’m no expert, but I imagine surgery is in my future, in which case I’m going to demand that if there’s going to be a scar any scar must be arranged to make me look like a pirate. I can even see about a cutlass and a pirate, although I am (for germ reasons) going to be ruling out the parrot. If they’re cutting my face up, I want pirate. No exceptions.
I can’t lower my head to the side now, as when I do the joint comes out and as I said before, that’s heading for Vomitville, Population: Me. Swallowing is difficult when the joint has just popped out, and I honestly never know when it’s going to happen so I am eating an awful lot of “doesn’t need to be chewed” types of foods. In the meantime, my consultant has sent me a prescription for a painkiller which will apparently make me a drooling mess (although sadly not sleeping with Prince Valium). Rather like what happens when my jaw dislocates, really.
-S.
PS – if you haven’t watched “Beetlejuice”, then we need to talk. Because, really – why not?
Oh Shannon — hugs.
Jeeee-sus. OW.
I hope, at the very LEAST, you are liberally supplied with milkshakes.
Ow, ow, OW! :(
Well, fuck. Soup for everybody?
UGH. I’m sorry. I’m with QoB. Milkshakes a-plenty. Matey. ;)
Will you get an eye patch too? Because that’s mandatory for a pirate.
Sorry to hear that your jaw won’t stay in place – I’ve had mine out of alignment for a moment or two in my lifetime, and it sucks. I can’t imagine how painful it is when it doesn’t just pop back into place. Ugh.
Also, I love Beetlejuice – I hope they’ll have it on cable soon. Halloween is coming – they usually play it around then.
I got nothing except bloody hell babes?!?!? Poor you
You would totally rock the pirate look. Think of all the striped scarves
*confession*
I have not watched Beetlejuice. We can talk about this.
You need a gofer for this weekend. Narcoticcy Lady No Do Work. I am on my way.
Gawd. You poor thing; that sounds horrible. You are such a trooper, but I’m sure it can all be overwhelming at times. I think it’s better that you told people at work. Now they won’t be surprised when something on you pops. ; )
Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch poor you – hoping for a fast resolution
Ohhhhh crappity crap crap crap!!! I’m so sorry.
OK – Here’s a nice soup:
Celery – lots, more than any of the other stuff
Cauliflower – 1/2 head
Potato – 1-2 depending on size
Carrot – 1 (gets a little sweet if you use more)
Olive Oil
Leeks or onions depending on preference
Other veggies that present themselves as needing cooking before they spoil
Garlic – as much as you like
Parsley – a nice bunch
Chicken or veggie stock
Cream – optional
Sautee all veggies & garlic except parsley and/or any juicy veggies you come up with in chunks in olive oil in a pot until you get yummy brownish bits showing up on the edges. Add enough stock to cover the veggies and simmer for 1/2 hour. Add parsley – chopped. Blend everything with your hand blender – and if you don’t have one, stop watching Beetlejuice and take care of that. Taste it and season as needed. If you’re happy with it, stop there. If it needs a little something, add a touch of the cream and blend it in.
If this continues, I’ll send your beet-loving self my borsht recipe. Be well, lady.
It is a good excuse for all the milkshakes you want…. but it sucks. And I’m with Moira. You would make a rockin’ pirate!
Oh no. That sounds awful. I hope “they” can find a solution for you soon!
Holy balls. I would have thrown up. In fact, my immediate reaction to reading this was to clamp my jaw shut so tightly that I gave myself a headache (and I’m a serious clencher as is – I’ve cracked two teeth that way – so my head is used to a pretty hefty amount of clenching).
I am so sorry you are going through this, but mad props to you for handling that situation better than many of us would have.
Oh shit. I find it difficult to imagine a worse catastrophic FAIL of the human body. I do hope you can find a doctor that can not only explain what’s happening to you, but propose a cure for it, rather than more hand-wringing and a cornucopia of drugs.
Milkshakes, soup. slushies and ice cream all around!
Well that just sucks. I am sorry. Pun not intended, very sorry again.
Oh. My. Goodness. So sorry for you. No words other than YIKES.
Ouch!
And agreed, you’d make an awesome pirate!
Oh, sweetie! I am so, so sorry. I agree with what everyone has said…milkshakes, yummy, creamy soups, lots of hugs and sending many good thoughts your way for answers that are easier rather than more difficult. As for the Piracy, will you be dressing as a badass pirate wench chick or wearing a puffy shirt and blouson pants. Is blouson even a word? Anyway, hang in there.
I loved beetlejuice. I hate that this is happening to you. I can’t imagine how painful and embarrassing that must have been.
I’m so proud of you that you can’t somewhat joke about it. Your sense of humor will get you through.
Should have been “can” somewhat joke about it….oops.