The following search engine terms have been used to find my site. I find most of them funny albeit I do want to know what’s up with people Googling without using proper capitalization and punctuation. I can’t be the only one who is keen on doing that. Know this – Google are watching, and taking notes. When the zombie apocalypse comes, don’t be the one in the remedial capitalization class located inches away from the graveyard because you are being lazy with the Googling. You’ve been warned.
in kansas do people speak english yes or no – No, they don’t. No wait – I’m just fucking with you. They do actually speak English, yes. Of a sort. Don’t feel bad.
I’m chilly willy the penguin – I shake until I’m blue/My head is hot and my feet are cold/Ha…Hee…Hachoo!
everybody gets one – one what? Wish? Round of hand herpes? Chimichanga? What are we getting only one of, and where’s mine?
everyday stranger – That’d be me. Tick.
don’t touch my stomach – this has to do with pregnancy, doesn’t it? Yeah. Pregnant women are not lucky little Buddhas. Rub their tummies and you will not see a surge in your luck. You will, however, be in someone’s personal space highlighting the fact that they currently look as though they’ve either swallowed a beach ball or gone a little mad at the buffet table. Refrain from touching. Trust me.
social engineering degree – no, sweetheart, see – there’s no actual degree in that. And social engineering isn’t exactly a good thing, there are some negative connotation vibes in there. I know it sounds like something that Isaac Asimov would do and you have visions of a utopian society, but really. Just, no.
upsy daisy – the most annoying children’s character ever.
tombliboos – second in annoying only to Upsy Daisy. They play the piano very poorly, and yet no one has grabbed them and ripped off the little balls on the tops of their heads to get them to stop yet.
minions – I have two of them. You can’t have them, get your own.
waitrose cashmere toilet roll – accept no substitute. This your bum here, you have to take care of it. I do feel however, that I must confess – we’ve gone to white Quilted Andrex and we haven’t looked back ( and it must be white. Colored toilet paper is weird and wrong. Who looks at peach colored toilet paper and not get a flashback of the 80′s?).
what alcohol can you put in risotto – oh, honey, the world’s your oyster.
can’t do crafts – no I can’t. The last time I tried to make a wreath tears flowed and craft glue was airborne. I can’t do crafts, I can’t sew, I can’t draw, and I can’t paint. I am the antithesis of homey earth mother, pipe cleaners make no sense to me and Martha Stewart’s craft ideas look about as possible as a cross between a unicorn and a sensible conversation with Michelle Bachmann. Thanks for rubbing that in. You’re awesome.
glamping stations – that sounds like a shout on a submarine. “Battle crew! Glamping stations! Get the air beds and duvets and for Chrissake, do not forget the portable TV again!”
lovely front doors – awww, thanks.
obscure taxonomy of the everyday – man, I dunno but I would like a chat with you, this sounds interesting. Structured hierarchies of occurrences? You just awoke my dormant inner OCD.
forgive or relive – ooooh, this one is deep. Forgive if someone has cut in front of you in the queue. Relive it if they’ve cut in front of you, been a dick about it, and you have a comeback at 2am.
mike rowe burning eyes – who the hell is Mike Rowe? Does he owe me money? Has he not heard of Visine?
I’m going to live to be 103 – we all will, dear. And if your pension sucks as badly as mine does, you’ll still be working, too.
I saw mommy kissing santa claus – there are multiple reasons this may have occurred:
1 – your mother is on the naughty list and clearly trying to buy her way out.
2 – your mother dated Santa Claus in high school and is looking to re-kindle the romance.
3 – your mother has been sampling the sherry she left out for Santa and is going to have a lot of explaining to and, quite possibly, some relationship counselling with Daddy after this.
4 – your mother’s a whore
I can’t claim to know the answers, I only offer you possible suggestions.
bengay and chlorine – ring sting. Totally.
-S.
Oh Shannon. Thank you for this. I have missed these, and I so needed the laugh.
<3
I love me some Mike Rowe
Glamping Stations! Dive! YES! Totally a submarine thing!
You do make me chuckle and gurgle, sweetheart. And I think I got all your Craftiness; John would like to give you some it back. If another packet of beads pops through our letter box, I think he will cry.
Google searches are case-insensitive so using caps really is a waste of time. However, if you really want to do a case-sensitive search, you can go here: http://case-sensitive-search.appspot.com/
Peach toilet paper? Omg – I immediately started singing “she’s a maniac, MANIAC…and she’s dancing like she’s never…”oh heck I can’t remember the exact words, but you get my 80′s drift. Quilted Andrex? Check. Great bums appreciate alike. ;)
We got an emergency pack of toilet roll the other week that was, indeed, peach (last pack in shop, see?). It is CREEPING ME OUT, MAN. And now I must use it all before I can open the nice new white pack. In case it goes off, or something (probably something. I seem to have a new OCD thing: Finish the old packet off!).
You are funny. I do like you.
‘Obscure taxonomy of the everyday’ got my geek on too. I think I may have to restrain myself from attempting the outline of a faceted classification to go with it. Starting with ‘spurtle’.
Glamping stations! I love it!
Capitalization can never be a waste of time. That sound, Jen, is the undead rising behind you. I’m here only to warn.
Hi commenting about the book post as they were closed on it.
Loved the knife trilogy and the hunger games too. Not as good but still fun are by Cassandra Clare the mortal instruments. Bit twilightish but still good! My reading has been seriously curtailed by the arrival of my twin boys . Born April 1st!
We r seriously sleep deprived…. Feckers just won’t sleep the night. I also may kill the next stranger who approaches me while I am shopping to ask if they r twins r to tell me I have my hands full!
Sorry bit of a mad post… All over the place.
M
I really need “You’re mother’s a whore” to be said in a poorly done, fake Sean Connery accent, a la SNL.
Also, honey one day when we’re finally occupying common space, I’ll show you ALL about what pipe cleaners can do. (Like, cleaning pipes. The good kind.)
I love these lists so much.
Mike Rowe has a show on some channel or other with a smart sounding name – Discovery or National Geographic or History or whatever – called Dirty Jobs, in which he does exactly what the title indicates. Artificially inseminating barnyard animals. Cleaning frozen porta-potties. Other gross stuff. I have only really seen the ads while waiting for “MythBusters” to come on (which I watch, as I need to know the truth about whether a frozen turkey can kill my cat and if it’s actually possible to grow bamboo through a human – the answers to both are “yes, disturbingly”).