Two days ago I dreamt (hey, another post involving a dream of mine! Don’t grab that glass of whiskey just yet, this is relevant.) that I was about to embark on another course of IVF. Alastair was up for it, the doctors were keen, and I had all the medication piled nicely on our kitchen counter. I was cleared with a protocol schedule and I had loaded up the first needle with medication, clear liquid hormones swirling around in its down-regulation sea. In my dream, I held up the needle, looked at it, and said: “I don’t want this. I don’t want to do this. I have the children I was meant to have. I don’t want any more children.”
And when I woke up, I found a door had shut. Permanently.
I have long known that Nick and Nora are the only children that I would have, not only because of the logistics involved (older husband, father of four, nurseries cost a fortune) and the reality – my body didn’t cope well with pregnancy. I nearly went into premature labor, I had kidney and bladder infections to the extent that I could have had permanent damage (bladder surgery earlier this year helped that), and pregnancy is what activated the dormant EDS lurking in my physiology. Pregnancy caused elasticine/EDS, if I got pregnant again I can’t imagine what onslaught that would be, could it trigger latent leprosy? I am under no impression I could ever have a successful pregnancy again, because I know that Nick and Nora and I got lucky and that we may not all make it out alive again.
Add on to it further complications of EDS, the fact that I am a carrier for it and the twins each have a 50% chance of inheriting it, and we’re really done. No really. My dream is something I am grateful for – I woke up and any little twinges I had in still wanting a newborn around were gone. I have never felt something so clearly in my life. I am done. After 5 rounds of IVF, 2 miscarriages, and a pearly set of premature twins the bell has finally rung.
Which brings me to my next point.
One of my oldest friends sent me something recently. Actually, she is my oldest friend. Growing up military means that you never really kept track of people. Courtesy of Facebook, we got in touch – I always really cared about her and thought of her through the years. She’s my age, now in Dallas, a blogger, and a mother of IF twins who are a few months younger than my two. Creepy the coincidences of that, but she does read here and I hope she knows how thankful I am that she’s out there.
What she sent me had me in stitches:
I have heard every last one of those (and blogged about it too).
And the tampon line, it’s going to get used.
People make a lot of assumptions about twins. Being someone who was an IVF blogger and still sees, occasionally, IVF blogs out there (the unwritten law: once you have succeeded, no one wants to hear from you anymore. Move along.) I struggle to keep my mouth shut sometimes. I read people’s blogs where they seem to throw caution to the wind, where they have 10 embryos and they debate putting them all in, and it’s those moments when I need to sit on my hands. I don’t offer my view because I know it’s unpopular, but I just want to whisper “Can you be confident as the mum of twins (or triplets)? If so, put two or three back in. If not, go for the one.” I realize the converse of this is also applicable – if it doesn’t work, will you forever wonder if it’s because you only put one back? And of course at the end of the day, there’s no right answer, each must do as is best for their family.
Having multiples is hard. It’s incredibly hard, it can occasionally be crazy hard. Believe it or not those early baby days are the easiest, when they’re tiny and smell of lavender and milky hiccups and stay in one place it’s a million times easier than when they are 2, hellbent on destruction, and like the average college fresher they are in control of neither their bodily functions nor their impulses.
Sometimes we take one twin out per parent and run errands. Being with them as a single child is amazing – they are engaging and fun and great company and (I will be unpopular here, but I will be honest and I suspect other mums of multiples who read this may be nodding along) when I am out with just one of them I think it’s brilliant fun and I haven’t a clue what mums who have one child are on about when they say that being a mum of one is demanding. Being a mum of one is demanding, it’s just if you are a mum of two that are the same age and going through everything at the same times and – most importantly – that’s all you’ve ever known, then being a mum of one is a cake walk. Mothering twins is both fun and exhausting equally, both in ways that nothing in life has ever prepared me for.
When one twin is ill you feel like shit because you have to focus on just them, when a priority in your life is that both of them are always treated as equals. You are aware – fairly constantly – of their status as twins. There are two people viewed as one object. Two people, one noun. Nick and Nora recently got invited to their first ever birthday party for a child they go to nursery with. Other invitations never came and I worried – was it because we weren’t local to this area? Our children unruly? Would our two beat up the other children for their Fifi the Flowertot earmuffs? Turns out it was none of those – I asked a mother who was handing out birthday invitations once why Nick and Nora were excluded and her reply shocked me. She said as they were twins, she assumed they were each other’s best friends and didn’t need to be around other children. And the truth is they are each other’s best friends. But they still need to have their own friends, too.
When you have multiples you have to be practical and organize every last minute. And even when you do that, you can easily get railroaded – for ages our local shop had only one shopping trolley that took two children next to each other. I’d race to it and almost never get it. I remember once when the twins were tiny I stood there, holding one under each arm and wondering if I’d managed to put a bra on or even get the baby vomit off of my shirt, and I broke down. I asked the woman (who took said only twin trolley from under my nose) if please could my twins and I use the twin trolley. She settled her one child in the trolley and coolly told me she needed a place to put her handbag, and then she wheeled away into the shop. I could have killed her.
It’s hard enough coming up with a plan, a back-up plan is taking the piss.
That’s not even taking into account the sheer scale of terrifying medical complications that you may face while pregnant with multiples.
I’m not trying to patronise or belittle the hard work of mums of one, nor do I want to scare the bejeesus out of women who are pregnant with twins. I just want to reach out there and steady a few shoulders. I suppose that when I was having treatment I simply let it go in one ear and out the other about the complications of multiples. I know others are more informed – another blogger out there has twins the same age as my two and has just had her second set of IVF twins. She is an amazing woman, and when she had the cycle that conceived her second set of twins she was clear that she and her family knew that twins might happen again and were prepared for it. When you have twins it’s like being under a microscope all the time. People tell you how to live your life, they make stupid comments (like the YouTube link) and just getting from there to twins is hard enough. And all this is from my view, I am well aware that we haven’t even broached how Nick and Nora feel as they get older.
I suppose that’s all I’m trying to do here – I still want to reach out to those women (and I was in that place once, I remember being there) who are sitting in front of many options, and I want to say to them “I love our twins like a house on fire, but you have to go into it eyes wide open about how much work it can be, so choose your embryo numbers wisely.” If you’re going to have twins, then don’t let me put you off – they can be and are amazing. Just know that you’re going to need to dig your heels in hard, and you’ll get through. And maybe start memorizing some comebacks for the stupid questions you’re about to get.
Nick and Nora are, along with Alastair and a considered selection of continental cheeses, the love of my life and if anyone tried to take any of them away (even the dairy products) then they would see a tornado unparalleled in its ability to level. My family are completely fabulous and fill my life with little sparklies. I am thankful for them in ways I won’t try to write about because you’re all very clever and I don’t want to rub anything in, not at all. I am very different from the woman on the table being told that my average embryos were both unlikely to take, to the organized mum of twins that I am today.
And in the meantime, for the people who don’t offer the simple comment of “You have twins, they’re lovely!” then I have a new one – I’m going to look slightly maniacal (not hard) and saw with a mad, Stephen King-like grin “The Mayans used to believe that twins were one soul that had fragmented! Twin souls! Let’s discuss.”
-S.
I have one answer to people who ask me questions or make comments about things that are obviously none of their business. They’re usually strangers which is even worse. I look them straight in the eye, get a tone in my voice, and say “You don’t know me well enough to ask/say that.” And then I turn on my heel and walk away. Hopefully they are having trouble breathing as I can be rather intimidating with I get that tone — ask Ms. Pants. And really, it is none of their f’ing business. Ever.
Here in Iceland it is strictly illegal to transfer more than two embryos at a time. The doctors at the fertility clinic MAY transfer three in extreme cases but I think they hardly ever do that.
(And yes, I said THE fertility clinic – as in “the only fertility clinic in Iceland”. There are only three doctors that work there and one of them doesn’t do IVF/ICSI, only IUI. Those three doctors are WONDERFUL and so hard working.)
Oh, and the tampon line is awesome! And it always amazes me when people ask if a twin boy and twin girl are identical … really? Have you seen the blog by sesameellis? (http://www.racheldevine.com/blog/) She has a twin boy and twin girl, they are obviously a different gender AND to top it; he’s dark haired and has brown eyes while she is blond haired and blue eyed. Yet she (the mum) still gets the “identical?” question. So weird. She blogged about it ages ago.
Your family is lovely and beautiful. Your kids, all four, are splendid people.
When I was taking Clomid (only Clomid!) I was bombarded by ‘hey! You could have twins!’ remarks from family. And then they’d look all surprised when my response was ‘I know! AAAAAAAARGH!’, because, twins! Jack-pot! So cute! Yes. And I have an arcuate uterus (ie less room) and an increased risk of gestational diabetes ANYWAY. Not to mention parenting the poor little darlings. Of course, if I’d had twins, I’d've died of joy, but I am very, very aware that twins would be HARD. And, what people seem to forget, it’s hard on the twins too, being jammed into one uterus together. As you said, a family has to do what’s right for their family, but that’s the point – only the woman and her partner can really know what that ‘right’ is. It still astonishes me that so many people WANTED me, ENCOURAGED me, to get twins if possible.
Mama Pants’s reply is PERFECT and I am stealing it for everything ever ever. But the fragmented soul one is good for twin drive-by tomfool nonsense.
PS – I had to put the lap-top down and walk around the kitched for a few minutes after reading about the woman who thought her HANDBAG needed the double trolley more than a set of tiny twins did. I wish I knew her, just so I could tell her to her face she’s a dreadful selfish person who I didn’t want to know. And the ‘twins don’t need friends because they have each other’ – WTF?
That had me in stitches…….they missed a question I was once asked: ‘do they have the same dad??????’ Think a biology lesson was required…I’d like to link to that on my blog, hope you don’t mind :)
I go back to America and people ask me how the Netherlands are. I’ve formulated the perfect answer to stop the conversation that I’m really not interested in having. That answer? “Flat.” I still haven’t figured out how to deal with people who ask how America is.
Loved the movie… hopefully your blog has shown me that some sensitivity on the subject is a good thing.
I love Mompetition – she’s amazing and funny and wonderful! The twins segment reminded me of you and Geodhe of Mission:Impossible. I have been fortunate enough to not come across many of the judgemental mothering opinions, so far.
I can’t believe that selfish woman refused to relinquish the twins cart. I hope she’s suffering in a really unpleasant karmic payback. And wtf with the woman who thinks the twins have friends in each other and don’t need any more? I would ask if she only had one friend, but, I’m guessing that’s probably an overestimate.
I’m in the middle of an IVF cycle and my greatest fear (and hope I keep squashing down) is twins. I would love the bonus opportunity (to have 3 kids), but oh, the work! So difficult. Who am I kidding? I’ll take anything!
Oh shit, I’m going to have nightmares now. Twin souls. Yikes.
Love it! When I was doing IVF and people asked overly personal questions I used to fire back “so who normally goes on top when you’re shagging then?” – was worth it just to see the looks on their faces! :-)
This video was frickin’ HYSTERICAL. I will tell you, those of us who don’t have twins, still get the most idiotic questions. I think it’s because the average human is a dolt. I have three boys. After EVERY single pregnancy I got, “Gonna try for a girl?” Why would that be? Because boys are not good enough? Strangers stop and ask the most personal questions about our family size or the fact we ‘only have boys’, something I absolutely LOVE. It fits US. But the best question I’ve had was last year… it came in a series. All week long I got this from various people. None of my boys look alike. My eldest is a beautiful Italian genetically, my 2nd a Celt or Viking, my 3rd appears to be Northern Italian. Not one looks alike. That week I had NO LESS than three people say to me, “Same father?” Really? Seriously? My boys laugh as they relate this story to others because with the last person who asked, I deadpanned, “No. I’m a whore”. My boys laugh hysterically when they tell the story… “and then!… My mom said…” heh heh heh
My God, of course! I always think “respect” to all mums (and dads) of twins/triplets/etc. Coping with one sometimes is so much work, that two or more seem like a superhuman thing and I salute you, Shannon.
By the way, I could not believe the woman who refused to give you the twin shopping cart…….or the mum who said that stupid thing abot twins only needing the other twin as friend….? My goodness, such levels of rudeness and idiocy are incredible……… Shame on them, they’re the real freaks, haha.
You should really just say something along the lines of, no, they’re not actually mine. I lifted them off the octomom since she had extras. Mind changing one of their diapers?
I took care of two infant kittens, once. I nearly had a breakdown. Thus, I give you props in the extreme. Also, I promise that if I ever come across someone with twins (or other multiples) and I have the twin cart, I’ll hand it over. Although having it would be a dick move on my part, I don’t even have one kid.
Yeah – that video made me laugh so hard! Another friend of mine with ivf twins posted it to facebook this weekend – and I’ve watched it a couple of times – my favourite part is the “they are not robots and are made from organic matter…” hah!
I think as humans we all may have had a stupid thought once or twice. What I don’t understand is why these people saying stupid things didn’t learn at about age 9 not to say them out loud.Or why they haven’t learned that just because we are curious about something doesn’t mean we have the right to know. One of my mantra’s I’ve passed on to my 6 yr old and 17 yr old,equally…Think before you speak and consider how the things you say could be taken by others.
That woman in the shop should have been smacked with the twin cart and saying stupid things out loud applies,as well, to the woman who thinks twins don’t need anyone but each other.
If i was listening to this post and not reading i’d be going “La la la la la” with my fingers in my ears. Pregnant with non ID tiwns, 20 weeks, i have a 2 1/2 year little boy already so i kinda know whats in store but pretty freaked out. I’m in denial i think. Mine aren’t ivf – genetics thanks to my granny.It the past i have to say i have always just looked at twin mums and though how do u do it!
I would like to see the same video for adopted children. As a mother of three children their questions are so damn nosy and none of their damn business. WTF man. Just wait until the twins are old enough, you can use them as your allies. Your children can hear everything how you handle these intrusive questions will help them cope in the future. We often say something like “Em do you feel like talking about your birth country?” Usually that snaps the nosy stranger in to shape. MY KIDS ARE LISTENING ASSHOLE.
Very well said, as always! I was never brave enough to take mine as newborns to the grocery but I am aghast at that woman who would not let you have the twin cart. People are so nice 99% of the time but people like her need karma.
And I can second your comment about the newborn days being the easy part! I’m glad I did not know that at the time, though ;-)
I like to think I developed my fine sense of sarcasm from being a twin. I can’t tell you how many times people have looked at me and my twin brother (who is both obviously not female and a good 200lbs heavier than me) and asked, “So, are you two identical?” People can be so freakin’ clueless sometimes.
Normally I come over and agree with everything you say…. but not this time, weirdly, although I was totally expecting to. Clearly the video is spot on (my personal response to the “how were they conceived?” line: “doggy style”. Now F off. (I don’t normally say that last bit, but I think it). The thing is though, that having had one, then twins, and now expecting another one, I’m not sure that twins are harder… or at least, I’m sure that they are, but I’m not sure that it actually feels it at the time. As the mum in the video says – you just cope, because you have to. I was lucky in that my other half is fantastically supportive, but provided you’ve got that (and I realise that not everyone does) I don’t think when you’re in it you’re conscious that it’s harder than just one. Yes night feeds are trickier, and yes there are awful moments when they run in opposite directions towards the road, but you don’t actually feel more tired, or more panicky… Put it this way, I’m not expecting baby number four to feel easier when he/she gets here because there’s only one of him/her. I suspect I’ll be exhausted and knackered and at the end of my tether just like I was both times before…
That said, of course, my biggest fear with this third pregnancy (which I constantly refer to (and think of) as my fourth – which presumably must tell its own story about whether they are “twin souls” or not!!) was twins again. But I think that was more of a fear of five children under four!
So to m – don’t worry, it can be awful, yes, but then I imagine there were awful moments with your 2 1/2 year old…but it’s also just amazing in a way that parenting one on his/her own (however wonderful and I do, clearly, love all of my children equally (depending on who’s screaming/biting/needs changing at any given point in time, of course), but there really is something magical about two, doing and learning and being together…
That said of course, I think making an active choice to have twins is brave in the extreme, and making an active choice to have more, well, let’s just say I couldn’t do it…
Sorry Shannon, too long as always, but also as always you made me think. xx
Thanks Harriet for the reassurance! I do agree but i think it might have more to do with first baby v’s second even when there are two. I guess nothing can prepare you the first time. The panic and that feeling of being completly overwhelmed.
At least this time we’ll know what we’re doing even if we’re doing it all twice!! And we are used to operating on less sleep. :)
Hear hear Shannon. I couldn’t agree more, and I love that video too – nearly wet myself watching it, although that happens more and more these days since my twins also wrecked my bladder. I have also thought about trying to add to the brood, mainly because I am so curious about what it would be like to have one baby at a time, but then I realize I will still have the other two so this is a dynamic I will never realize. As grateful as I am for my children, I do mourn the idea of what motherhood to a singleton would have been. I also mourn what a simple, uncomplicated pregnancy would have been and what a drunken shag resulting in a positive pregnancy test might have been, but we get what we get and we do the best we can. And I wouldn’t trade my two for anything, not even the opportunity to have had them one at a time.
I have no idea why motherhood gets so many weird comments—or why they’re always the SAME comments. I have two, a boy and a girl, and the line about “lucky, you’re done” comes up a lot. Huh? Everybody wants one of each, no more, no less? I also get the “You have your hands full” line a lot, though to be honest, that’s usually at church when I’ve got the toddler on a harness and the baby in arms, so it’s a factual comment, if not particularly helpful or original. The funny part was the first time I heard that comment, it was coming from the mother of quads.
And no, I haven’t asked her about those quads. It’s not my business.
I had to comment again because I agree with the adopted kids comment. My parents adopted 3 kids after I was grown with my own. However in our case it is so much fun going out as a big group..My very caucasion (blonde hair,green eyes) mom, my big muscle-y black step-dad, me dark hair dark eyes (often mistaken for indian) my two kids who are blonde and fair and my 3 adopted siblings two of whom are caucasion/samoan the other one is chinese/japanese!
It’s so amusing to us to see people clearly trying to figure out how we are all related. When someone asks or assumes incorrectly and makes a statement I offer them money if they can guess correctly.
I can’t even imagine having twins. When we first talked about IVF, we thought we wanted twins. Two kids. Done, all the typical cliche shit that assholes say. But after having one, I realized I would have probably had myself committed. And then after LG was born, and knowing how fucking petulant she can be, yeah, no. I love it when it’s just two of us. I always have a great time with them when we’re out one on one. With two together, I always feel impatient and harried. I hate that.
Letter to trolley mom:
Dear Wanker – the next time you pull that crap, you will be suprised to see me put my children on the ground. I need free hands to punch you, I mean, ask you to step aside, take your wallet from your purse for your child to hold, throw your purse across the lot and remove your child (ever so delicately) from the trolley, put her in a single-child trolley so that she may show you just exactly how much space you really need.
Then, my children and I will blow you loving kisses as we stroll into the store (oh, the children will not stroll… as they will be riding in the two-child trolley).
Please don’t be a wanker. Or selfish. Or a troll (I don’t know, there had to be a reason for the purse debacle in the first place).
Yours truly,
Mom who thinks you are teaching your child the wrong things.
I totally nodded along to this post!! Multiples are hard – in our house everything comes in threes. When it’s good (which it is most of the time), it’s three times the great. But those other moments? It is three times as hard. And boy, it’s hard at times!!
That being said, we are thinking about adding a 4th – to balance things out kid wise and probably send the two of us over the edge :) But, it’s a one embryo at a time deal.
I concur. Twins = fecking hard, but not in the way that you think it shall be before they arrive.
Also, if I ever get to transfer some reasonable embryos again, (the dispirited voice of a current IVF’er) I plan to transfer two. I figure if I have done it once, I can do it again.
G