Last week I bagged up the last of the twins slumber bags and took them into work. A coordinator I work with has a young daughter who’s eight months old and moving into Grobags, so it made sense to pass mine on. I washed them, stowed them into a Waitrose bag, and took the last of their pre-bed items into the office.
The coordinator was off-site until today, so I stored the bags in my locker – it feels a bit high school but we all have lockers for our items as none of us have permanent desks. I think the idea is to stash your laptop in the lockers overnight but I think absolutely everyone takes their laptops home with them, so I have no idea what goes in most lockers (assume not miniature guillotines that launch down while you’re on detention, though.) I keep my coffee mug, a toothbrush and toothpaste, and tampons in mine. All items which don’t really need to take up locker space, but I figure I have a space and dammit, I’m going to fill it.
Yesterday I went to my locker to get the sleeping bags out. While pulling the bag out the tampons (which for reasons I’m not quite clear on I’ve stored in a torn envelope) fell out, releasing a fiberglass snowstorm of tampons. I looked around – no one was around me. No one saw. I hurriedly picked up the little white offenders and tucked them back in their broken envelope. I religiously searched the Grobag sack twice, just in case one fell in there. I mean, how weird would that be? I brought you all these infant sleepsacks and oh look! Is that yonder tampon I see? The sleeping bags had escaped a feminine product interaction. I sighed in relief.
I locked my locker (as one does) and, holding the bag for a minute in my bad hand, the one still wrapped in a giant osteopedic splint that screams Go on! Ask me what I did! Because it’s totally your business and I totally want to talk about it! I started to put the keys to the locker in my pocket. I started walking across the office when from around the corner came the CEO.
“Hi! Shannon,” he said in that way that is both a salutation and an anchor to stay put because a follow-on thought is railroading your way. “I – blimey! What happened to your hand?” he asked.
Without looking I inwardly groaned. Still trying to get the keys into my pocket I decide to follow routine. “I hurt it hitting delivery managers who didn’t do what I said,” I reply, wheeling out the old standby.
“No really,” he said, wheeling out the other standby that people use who are the Tom Cruise equivalent of demanding to know the truth. “What happened?”
“I have arthritis,” I said with a smile. “The cold weather bothers it.” That’s my fallback answer. It’s easier and substantially less uncomfortable for the other person than “I have a joint disease which is turning my body into an over-stretched rubber band and which means in two weeks’ time I am having the first of several surgeries I’m headed into it. Shall we talk about our feelings now? How’s your inner child?”
“I see,” he said a little vaguely. “It’s an unusual brace on your arm.”
I finally succeed in getting my keys into my pocket and I stand up straight. “I left you a message on the customer presentation for Padiddlyboink, did you get it?”
(No, we don’t have a customer called Padiddlyboink. But I do actually like my job and I’m not about to name customers publicly. Work with me, here.)
“I did,” he said, still staring at my arm. “Thank you for that. I need you in a meeting tonight to present it to the board.”
“OK,” I reply. I was already lined up for a late night last night finishing other work, what was one more meeting?
“And I’ll need you to stay on the Padiddlyboink account until we pass Gate 4.”
(This actually means something in our world, instead of simply sounding like an airline announcement.)
“Sure, that’s no problem,” I say confidently. Maybe my hard work is all paying off now! Maybe it’s not a big deal that I have a giant fuck-off brace on my arm and am about to be on crutches, my work speaks for itself! I’m like Tess McGill only without the Brooklyn accent!
He looks up from my arm, smiles at me, and heads off. I walk to the desk that I’ve bagged for the day and hand the carrier bag of baby slumber bags to the coordinator, who’s sat next to me.
And I see my brace on my arm.
And I see why the CEO couldn’t stop staring at the brace.
One of the tampons that had fallen out of my locker had managed to free the top half of its rounded bullet-shaped dome and stick itself firmly to the velcro on my arm brace.
I am not Tess McGill with a chance to prove her stuff.
I’m an asshole with an unused tampon dangling from her wrist.
Awesome.
-S
Tampons are like mice. They’re always looking for a reason to escape, people are bothered by them and they tend to suddenly appear at the worst possible time.
You are a priceless gem, lol.
I’m going to go with the standard, “he was probably more embarrassed than you”, and “at least he tried to make a joke out of it” and “I’m sure you stayed in his thoughts all day and made him smile at least twice more” rather than, “He’s probably just told a boardroom of Japanese executives this story while they all sit around eating sushi off a naked woman’s arse, and smoke cigars and laugh about you.” Oh. Crap.
heeheehee you ARE awesome!
How could it have been worse? Well you could have followed his gaze and looked at the brace to see what he saw. At least as it was you carried the whole thing off with grace.
I’d be replacing the torn envelope with a lidded box.
I embarrass myself more than I like; but one thing I’ve learned is that these embarrassing incidents help keep me humble. : ) Humility is a good thing.
I’m glad guys don’t need tampons (for many reasons), because I’m sure I’d have an embarrassing “tampon moment” on a semi-regular basis.
Honey …. In islington they would Add a handwritten label to it and sell it for stupid money as locally made charms for bracelets
bless you. I’m smiling with you babes!!
There’s nothing like a boost to your credibility first thing in the morning! Ziplock bag. That is the solution.
Oh god. We’re women. Who among us hasn’t had a tampon incident! And who among men doesn’t know about tampons and their life-like ability to show up in the oddest places. Still giggling about this and hope you are, too!
I’m sorry, but thank you for making me laugh out loud. I was feeling pissy and needed a chuckle.
I’m with Moira, a friend of mine sold her hand-knitted bootees (take about 20 minutes to make) for £15 a pair in Stoke Newington recently!
Amy can attest to this: I once sent up a firework display of tampons at the Old Navy checkout counter as I pulled my wallet out. (OBs. Those little fuckers are mad-aerodynamic.) Then I apologised to the checker by saying, “Yeah, sorry about that. I didn’t mean to throw tampons at you.”
Honestly, the dude was probably trying to figure out what it was. Men are dumb about that stuff.
I love you, and I feel your pain here, but BWAAHAHAHAHAHHAA!
Oh nooooooooooooooooooo. *cringe*
I’m one of those people who can’t watch embarassing scenes in movies because I feel so bad for the characters that I can’t think that it’s funny. On the plus side, you could totally sell this scene to Hollywood, and make the world cringe with you.
Oh lord.. first the pad that wouldn’t stay put and now this.. I’m sorry to say that I laughed, but only because I’ve had a share of embarrassing moments, too.
It’s not just you, I promise. The things that have fallen out of my bag/gotten attached to me/been tucked into the wrong place are various and many. You’re not the only one.
It could’ve been worse. At least you didn’t rip a gigantic hole in the seat of your pants with no feasible way of making it home to change and still having eight hours to go in your shift. Yes, that did indeed happen to me. No shit.
Dave! I thought it was just me – broke the zip in my pants 30 mins before a MAJOR client presentation. Ever tried to look serious worrying the STAPLES holding your fly shut are visible and or open!?! LOL
I love you. Your brought laughter where there was none today. Thanks! :)
I wish I wasn’t laughing, but I am.
Dude, I hope to god you can get that damn ablation done. Because once the tampons are gone from your life, it’s all toilet paper on your shoe from here on out, baby.
LOL I’m not laughing at you, but that is totally something that would happen to ME!
That could happen to anyone and I imagine that someday you and he will both be able to laugh about it.
Tampons are like glitter-open up the box and they are everywhere.
I am sorry but I found that quite funny and feel your embarassment. These things happen though don’t they. My son decided to unwrap mine whilst waiting for his brother at school in the playground! Shannon am so pleased I have discovered your blogs – they are so real and full of feeling.
Thought you might like this one…today my son noticed a friends dad had bought a new car while walking across the lot of school. He yells out, ” I like your dad’s new VULVA!!” Love my kid. lol
That is funny! I am the same way, if something stupid or shitty is gonna happen, it will happen to me!
I can just see you being all smug about not wanting to explain the brace-situation. And then breaking in cold sweat every time you think about the conversation…
I’m glad it wasn’t about an ungrateful co-worker & the Grobags though. That was my fear reading the headline: you feeling sentimental about handing them over and her (him) being ‘whatever, thanks.’
This makes me like you even more. This stuff happens to me too! In fact, I think it happens to lots of people, but you just put it out there. Will it make you cringe for a while, sure. I would’ve been embarrassed too. But at the very least you will have a story that at some point will crack you up. Even if it’s when we’re 80.