They say you shouldn’t be blogging on a weekend.
They say you should post first thing in the morning to boost traffic.
Whoever “they” are, I’m ignoring them.
Yesterday I went into London, this time for an entirely different meeting altogether. Courtesy of the wonderful British Mummy Bloggers site, an editor and I stumbled upon each other. We talked. We exchanged emails.
And that’s how I ended up with full hair and makeup posing in my lingerie for a professional photographer for an article that will shortly be printed in a national UK magazine.
(Let’s hear it for prepositional phrases!)
I went to a photo shoot for an article about scars. It became something rather bigger than that, and I won’t take away what I hope the article does by posting about it, but I will talk amongst the fringe. It was a special day for me in many ways, and a day that may change things ever so slightly.
In February this year, Alastair bought me my first ever bikini. I think he thought I wouldn’t wear it again, but I wound up wearing it through our entire honeymoon (apart from the scuba diving parts, because bikinis and scuba don’t mix without some flashing going on). Me wearing a bikini was remarkable for two reasons:
1) My C-section scar is very visible, divides me into thirds, and is responsible for my “stomach apron” not noticeable from frontal view
and above all:
2) I have spent the majority of my life plagued by eating disorders and self-hatred.
The second item slightly largely than the first in some ways. Although the story of the twins here on this site is well-known, the details of it are (hopefully) in the article – of the hope, the fear, the endless hospitalizations, the emergency C-section, them arriving to my utter and complete joy. But maybe less well known amongst the public are the other elements.
I remember all the years of hating myself. I remember all the tricks for anorexia and for purging – when you feel utterly famished, a head of lettuce or – if really pushed – a bowl of Special K without milk, as it’ll expand in your stomach and make you feel full. If you need to purge, take laxatives, but not just one, take them all, and give yourself six hours lapse time to be ready. Any time you’re hungry, brush your teeth – food doesn’t taste right after you brush.
Isn’t that pathetic? Isn’t that awful? Isn’t that something you wouldn’t wish on someone you loved?
Exactly.
I first learned about the real power of purging courtesy of another bulimic, who I still remember fervently nodding and telling me that: “It’s no good if you take one laxative in the pack. If you need to purge, you need to take them all.”
I remember it.
I became it.
I spent so much fucking time hating myself and punishing myself that it makes me want to crawl back in time and give myself a cuddle…and yet a part of me still struggles with food and always will. I eat because I love food, but I watch what I eat because I have spent my life doing so.
Yesterday I was privileged to spend the day with a gaggle of women. A make-up artist who made me look beautiful, and who did my hair, too. A photographer who praised me. Two editors who told me I was beautiful. And two extraordinary women with their own scars.
One of them I’ll keep private. The other one was someone I talked to a lot and really related to. She was wonderful and lovely and kind. She is also a survivor of cancer and bearer of a mastectomy scar. She now runs this website and is completely amazing. If you know a breast cancer and mastectomy survivor, I’d recommend her lingerie in a heartbeat (and she really is the heart and arms behind the website – it’s just her running it, not a massive company, and she loves what she does so much.)
Beauty comes in many forms.
Some of it has to come from ourselves.
I work on that, and in the meantime I am about to be outed in a national magazine to family, colleagues, and friends as a C-section bearer and survivor of eating disorders.
And I feel liberated.
Maybe it’s an ego-centric vanity piece. I did not survive breast cancer like my amazing new compadre. I know that people will see the photos and the article and may laugh at me or (more probably) my body, and wonder why someone like me would want to bear all. But if my imperfect body and imperfect story can stray one person off the path of self-hatred, of denial and punishment, of despair and guilt, then maybe I will have accomplished something good in this world, apart from two little people I love so very dearly. Two people whom may leave the nest someday, but whose presence is marked on me (most gratefully) forever.
-S.
PS-if you see the article (and no, I’m not mentioning the publication) then please keep my details private? I’d be really, really grateful.
you are such an amazing woman. The courage and strenght it takes to bring yourself back from where you’ve been is to be commended. I’m proud of you and think you’re absolutely remarkable. And that photo is just stunning. oxox
That photo of you is so so so dreamy!
I love you. Just wanted to make sure you know that. :-)
Hating your body and self is awful. I’ve binged, I’ve starved, I’ve purged. I didn’t have my period from 19 until age 24. I know that path.
I have the scar too, and the apron. Don’t bother with that really.
So proud of you, and love you to bits. You’re beautiful for so many reasons, but sometimes Mother Nature matches the outside to what’s inside just perfectly-as she did with you.
Very courageous!
Outing oneself is liberating. But it is so hard to get to the point where that truth is comprehensible. Congratulations. You should be a proud, proud, woman.
I think you’re amazing and gorgeous and I love you. That photo is, as Ms.Pants said, dreamy. Is this publication something I might be able to find a copy of? I’d love to read the article.
You look great.
Thank you so much for the link! My mom just had her second mastectomy and is feeling really down, I think I might just have to order her one of their fantastic bras! :)
Beautiful photo babe, as always! :)
If you are comfortable with it, I would love to see the article at some point (you have my email, I think). As there would be no way for me to read it in print where I am…
If not, that’s fine, too. Either way, major props to you for having the courage to out yourself. And that’s a really stunning photo.
Oh, Shannon. How nice that you had fun and got fussed over – and all of us out here in cyberspace can tell you how gorgeous you are, but it sure is nice for you to hear that in the flesh. Your very winding path has led you here…scars and all. Have a great week, doll. You look fab! Keep on writin’ on…
Wow, what a beautiful woman you are! Your style reminds me a bit of Diana Rigg in the sixtees.
“They” is not us Shannon so ignore them all. I do, however, love being the ‘fringe’. And the past – discard every bit of the past except the pieces you really like. Right now is the important part. And congratulations to you on stepping out of your comfort zone and enjoying it. A lot of people love you – a lot.
I think you’re such a beautiful person, inside and out.
The picture of you is awesome and I’m very happy for you for having a better life now and being happy.
I also want to read the article …
You amaze me on a continual basis. The photo is gorgeous.
When we die, God will not notice our prosperity, or standing, or knowledge, but will look us over for scars.
You have the most beautiful smoky eyes in that picture, love the makeup, you are brave and awesome to be in a magazine.
And you continually amaze and surprise us!
Nice picture. You’re aging well. (Song title; hence the phrasing.)
Best photo of you ever! I’m sure the one being published is going to be just gorgeous, but there is a level of confidence and self knowledge in this one that I haven’t seen before. Has your hair gone curly since you cut it, or do you usually blow it out?
YOU are amazing. Truly, incredibly amazing.
I agree with Christina. You are definitely to be commended for getting yourself back on track with eating, and scars be damned, you are beautiful anyway (even without makeup). I really wish I could see that article.
Beautiful photo and best of luck, you have come so far! Such a brave thing to do..you should feel very proud.
Brava! Beautiful, strong and substantial photo of a beautiful, strong and substantial woman!
I am lucky- my c-section was rushed, but I was so distorted that my scar? She is halfway through my pubes.
Yes, this means that my you-know-whats were pulled UP a seriously long way by protruding abdomen, but let’s not think on that too much.
Good on you, babe,
xx
g
Great pic, but somehow? I like the pieces you do of yourself better.
@ Tracy – that photo is one I took of myself. I took that in the bedroom once I’d come home. The photo shoot in London had me in substantially less clothing.
I just love your new haircut. Would love to see the article/photos sometime if you’re comfortable.
Thanks, as always, for bearing your soul and sharing your journey with us. I know that sounds so “kum-ba-ya” but I really learn a lot about myself from reading your blog.
I think I might just have to order her one of their fantastic bras! :)