Assumptions.
We all have them. We all make them. There’s some ridiculous saying about how an assumption makes an ass out of you and me, but I don’t really get it – I twig that it’s some kind of cut from the spelling of the word, I just think the saying tries too hard.
I put a lot out here on my site and always have done. I get that it’s a public forum, and to a large extent I agree with the view that a blog is a dialogue between people, be they just two or just two hundred. But to some extent this site also works as my inner monologue, my space where I throw everything on the floor and leave the room to make a sandwich and when I come back in, I can see the way that things lay against the rough floor and the pattern that emerges with them.
On my last post I got some fairly shitty comments from someone who flies in from time to time, leaves some fairly intrusive messages about how I am clearly not prioritizing my life correctly and then flies out again, their view being that procreation should be my main focus and if Alastair isn’t on board, then fuck him. I should apparently be out looking for another chap who’ll like my child-bearing hips and is willing to go through endless rounds of IVF in order to help me satisfy my needs. Since I am not doing this there must therefore be something wrong with me.
And I want to say this: I’m not stupid.
I know that if children were my single greatest focus and creating my own football team of progeny were my highest priority, I could go out and try to find a man who was willing to accommodate. I may even succeed in finding such a man. But if one thing hasn’t become glaringly obvious in my many years of writing, it’s this: I love this guy, the one I’m with. We haven’t always been good, things have historically been not great, but through it all there was history, there was routine, and mostly there was love. I know that if having more kids was my priority there are options to pursuing this. I’m not an idiot.
I get it regularly, this whole working mum/stay-at-home-mum lecture. I got it from the day I announced my pregnancy on this site to two days ago. I get it from extended family and I get it from strangers. I get people telling me that I have two precious miracles, I need to be home from them. I’m told I should find ways to cut corners and stay home with them. I’m told that I should drop everything and raise them, the implication being raise them…properly.
And I want to say this: I’m not stupid.
I know I have options. I know that some women turn left and some turn right. I’ve always known that there are options. But here comes the assumptions again, the presumptions even. That I make so much money we could do without, that Alastair makes so much money we could do without, that we don’t have to live in this house in this area with these cars. And I shouldn’t have to justify myself, I shouldn’t have to say that our cars are bashed-up clangers, I shouldn’t have to say that I think this house is beautiful but that he and I did most of it with our own two hands, scouring the web for the lowest possible prices, and I shouldn’t have to say that we do need to live in this expensive part of this expensive country because it’s where our industry and our families are. Mostly I shouldn’t have to point out that there are four kids in this equation, not two, and saying to Melissa and Jeff “Hey, you know those private bedrooms you two finally got? Yeah, well, you two are important and all that but two precious miracles are about to join this household, I’m packing in my job and we’re moving to a tiny flat where you two will share a futon. Suck it up, kids.” is not ok, not with me and not with them. There are four kids, two of whom don’t live with us all the time and they live with a mother who decided she didn’t want to work anymore and so lives a very, very limited income life and whom is constantly asking Alastair for more money, more money, more more more. How shit of a partner would I be, to say to him “I love you and all and you have a lot of stress paying the Swunt, but I think I’m going to quit my job and stay home with our two so now you’re supporting me, Melissa, Jeff, two babies, and your ex-wife. Hope you don’t mind the massive extra stress, babes.”
That makes me sound like a real peach, doesn’t it?
The bottom line is this: I am a working mother. I am doing it by necessity and also by choice. I want to be clear about this because I think it’s important – I work because I have to. I also work because I want to. My career is not my life. I am not my job – I used to be many years ago, but that person is gone. She disappeared into the ether that came after a suicide attempt and years of counselling. My job is important to me, I want to do it right, but as I told Alastair last night – I realize I am as high up the ladder as I’m ever going to get. I don’t have the temperament or, frankly, the drive to be a senior manager. This may well be my last rung and I am ok with that.
The shitty comment I got snidely remarked that my job is my sum total sense of self and it is not. They remarked that if I won the lottery I wouldn’t even be able to quit. The truth is that I have no defined sense of self – ask me at any point who I am and the words will include “mother”, “partner”, “woman”, “writer”, and any other noun, none of which come out in the same sequence. As for the lottery, well – I won last night. That’s right. I won the EuroMillions. I logged in this morning and was told I was a winner. I’m not sure that I can quit my job and support us on the £9 I won last night although I could float us a family dinner at McDonald’s, but I will tell you this – if I won the jackpot I’d be gleefully flinging my laptop over the wall and quitting my job in a heartbeat to live a life of leisure (ok, that’s a lie – I would handover to a new project team before I left. I’d quit my job absolutely but there’s no reason to be vindictive to a company just because I got lucky.) Women can’t have it all. Men can’t have it all. I’ve said it recently even.
But here’s the thing – if I won the lottery I’d be happy to quit and give a whirl at trying to be what I have wanted to be for as long as I can remember, namely giving it a try at being a real, published author. But I would probably elect to have the twins continue to go to their nursery, at least part time. Some things would change, yes – I’d dump money on the council-run nursery and there would be an overhaul to the garden and play areas, but I think as a family we’d have twins keep going. The reason why is simple – the twins love it. They love the nursery. I love the nursery. The nursery carers love the twins. The staff there are brilliant and have been working there for ages. They dole out imaginative games and cuddles and craft time and singing time and if you go there at some random unexpected time then the staff are as brilliant as they are when they know you’re coming. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and if that’s the case then it’s as though Nick and Nora have a dozen warm and loving aunts who help out. They do not raise our children – we do. But what’s not to like in having a group of women who are as constant and secure as I am with regards to care? Maybe we’re lucky, maybe not all nurseries are like this, but our two (and indeed all the kids in the nursery) love being there.
I realize some may say this makes me a bad mum.
And I want to say this: I’m not stupid.
I’m many things – I’m clumsy. I’m tired. I’m an exercise in defeat and failure. I’m irreverent. I’m forgetful. I’m tall.
And I feel one thing in the very center of my heart, where I hold all things to be true – I’m a good mum. I love our children with something resembling hurricane strength. Call my parenting and my priorities into question and you’re walking into gale force winds.
Shitty comments happen. I know I shouldn’t rise to it, but in this instance I am. I know that people write things because I write things for them to comment on. I know that people get a veil of anonymity that means you get to throw spears and they can’t bounce back onto you. But blogland should be no different to real life – if you wouldn’t tell your friend that they’re a bad mother, then what makes it ok to imply that to me?
If you read here because like me then please know that I am doing what I think is right for our family – what you do may be different but that doesn’t make either of us wrong. If you read here because you don’t like me and read here just to see me fuck up, well, all I can say is that karma is a bitch. I’ve been clear about it again and again that I don’t like being told that I should choose our children over my job – I’m taking a harder line on things now. I love our kids. I love my blog. I’m not going to write about work any more on this site because I don’t want to feel that this site is a place where I have to defend the two little people whose happiness and security is top in my priority book, just as I’m not going to take an easy line on people who feel the need to tell me that I’m not being a good mum to our kids by not quitting my job. We need my job. We need our kids. And we ride the line between the two, sometimes getting it wrong, mostly getting it right.
Just trust me on that one.
-S.
I have a friend who is a stay-at-home mother and she tells me that people think it’s their right to tell her (very often) that she is a bad mother for staying at home. That she should be setting a good example to her children and show them that mothers can also be ambitious and hard working and support the family financially. And they even feel it’s their right to tell her that their opinion on her is that she’s “plain lazy” for not working.
I also have another friend who is a working mom. She has the exact story that you just wrote about. People tell her all the time that she would be a lot better mother if she was a stay-at-home mum.
Seriously. People who say stuff like this obviously have some sort of issues. And they should just mind their own business.
Wonder what your ingnorant couthless commenter would say about one of my associates. Married, Mom to 3 boys. Works fulltime. Husband does not work ( in home or out). Will occasionaly go grocery shopping.
Is she god mom or bad mom?
Truth is it is her business just like is choice you and Alistair make on how to raise your kids. And run your family and life.
Tell them to kiss off. I think you are marvelous.
Hear, Hear
I am also a working mum and though my job has changed since having my first daughter ( I now have two little girls, 6 and 2) I am definately not stupid.
I love my job, so much so now that I’m getting the chance to show my colleagues that yes I may have a degree but not in what I do, but that I have a brain! I know many people now that cheer us working mothers and do not understand how we do it. But we do, because we want to, because even though we love our family we need something else in our lives. I’m not saying that SAHM don’t but I need to have something in my life that isn’t me being mum and wife.
BNMx
I love your blog too. I love blogs of mum’s who work, mum’s who don’t work, women who want to be mum’s, women who don’t want to be mum’s and even some men! I read blogs because I enjoy reading about someone else’s life, not my own, and to gain some empathy for the wide range of people that make up this wonderful world!
And for what it’s worth, I’m a mum of 1 who works, and who loves her career, but loves her littl’un more. (And who would also probably quit if she won the lottery. But would do something else as well as look after her baby, like set up a freelancing career…).
Oh, and I’m also with you on the love for your partner thing too. I would love another baby. OH would not. I’m working on him, but our relationship and the child we have together is more important that any desire I have for another baby.
Just keep doing what you’re doing. Some people will get it, some people won’t. They don’t have to read…
I think you should write about anything you damned well please! That’s why we all love your blog so. Don’t let some cowardly idiot who hides behind the veil of anonymity dictate what you write. They’re simply not even worth your notice. Keep being you…always.
I am really sorry to read that people who are given the privilege of a window into your world would abuse this. It is such a shame that there is an area of your life you cna no longer freely write about. I agree with Star.
As a very new Mum i am already staggered at how many people think they need to comment on the choices we have made, from feeding to sleeping arrangements to what i plan to do about work. I can only think it is insecurities about their own decisions that led them to need to try to get me to do the same as them.
For what it is worth, i have no opinion at all about the decisions you make for your family, for two reasons, firstly, it is none of my damn business, secondly, i believe people are different, we all make deicions based on entirely different experiences and needs.
Here ends my essay, i hope it is as supportive as i meant it to be!
abs x
Being a former teacher of 3 year olds in a Junior Pre-School setting, I can tell you that sending the kiddos to daycare and Jr Pre-School, Pre-School, etc is the BEST thing you will ever do for them. Period! You are investing in their future, they will learn more and do more before they even hit first grade and will have a huge advantage that will follow them the remainder of their lives. Kudos to you!
I am a working mother of grown children. When they and I were young, there was no alternative to working, as their father did not feel compelled to keep jobs, so I had to. And I wanted to work. As my kids got older, I wanted to stay at home, and I still couldn’t stay home. Now they are grown and gone, I would love to stay home, and could, but make the choice to work so that my current husband does not feel the stress of being the sole breadwinner for maintaining the lifestyle we chose. And this is what is right for me. My children didn’t get all the home-baked cookies with Mom that I would have liked, but they got babysitters like NeeNee who read to them, and Mamaw who walked outside and showed them the wonders of nature, and groups of kids later so they could learn to share and make friends. And when Mom could, she took them on special “windowshopping trips” for a princess, and trips to the zoo for just Mom and a little prince with brown eyes. And no matter how I felt torn, when my redhaired twenty-three year old daughter tells me she had a wonderful childhood, and my browneyed twenty-one year old prince recalls fireflies and summer walks, I know that what I did was,in the end, right for me and for them. This is what you will feel, Shannon, when you are loving those two precious lemon-heads as the mother of adult children. You will know that you did what was RIGHT for YOU.
I wish you didn’t feel you needed to expend the time and energy (both of which are limited and precious) responding to an idiot. The idiot will never be convinced and the rest of us already get it. But if it makes you feel better, then I guess it’s worth it. I’d much rather see pix of the new front door or the beautiful twins playing in the garden. Or Gorby. Or pretty much anything. Trust me, we get it. Really.
I’m oh so similar to you. I work because I have to, but I also work because I want something beyond being a mom. My girls and I are *all* better off because we get a break from each other during the day. They love their daycare and are brighter, happier children because of all the things they do and learn there.
I have quite a few SAHM friends and many make me feel like I’m missing so much by working. Really? Because I think we all gain because of it.
How shit of a partner would I be, to say to him “I love you and all and you have a lot of stress paying the Swunt, but I think I’m going to quit my job and stay home with our two so now you’re supporting me, Melissa, Jeff, two babies, and your ex-wife. Hope you don’t mind the massive extra stress, babes.”
This is brilliant. There’s so many layers to people and their situations-how can any one judge. I’ve said it hundreds of times before: what works for me may not work for you and vice versa, but neither one of us is right, and neither one of us is wrong. We do what we do for our own reasons, and what they are isn’t anybody else’s concern.
You do what you have to regarding your blog. Those of us that are worth a toss will always be here, right gang?
I believe it is important to stay at home with your kids. BUT, and there’s a big but, I think you have to really want to do it, and not everyone does, and that’s OK. I don’t judge people who work because they want to. I mean, even though I’m home with my kids all day, and I do like that I have this option, there are days where I’d happily trade anyone in an office setting, because you know how it is with two small kids. There are days, I’d rather have a raging UTI.
I think no matter what, you’re going to be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. People are lemmings, and they want others to think exactly like them, and be exactly like them, and when they’re not, it’s a giant rift, oh, you must be Satan’s messenger.
Yeah… I thought I wanted to be a SAHM, even argued endlessly about it pre-kids. Then when the kids finally came into our lives, I was in a career I love. It makes me a better Mom to work, to have a sense of self outside of my children. Is it the same for everyone? Of course not. It’s just what is best for MY family… it’s that simple.
While I’ve never been criticized for being a SAHM mom, it annoys me greatly when strangers who ask if I work nod approvingly at me when I tell them I stay home. Like their opinion means fuck all to me. It’s my family – no one else has the right to an opinion about how I run it.
I stay home, but after a year I realized that my social little kid NEEDED something outside the house, and has been in Mother’s Day Out/preschool two or three days a week ever since, and it is so wonderful for her. She’s learning way more than I could ever teach her at home.
Don’t let some piece o’crap opinionated losers dictate what you put on YOUR blog! I think you’re an amazing mom and kudos to you for being a great professional as well. Anyone who judges clearly feels inadequate. They’re not you. You rock.
Occasionally I think that I would like to be a SAHM-usually following weeks like the last one I had at work. Then I have a weeklong vacation or a weekend where it’s just me and the kid (Daddy is currently traveling for business and will be away forEVER it seems) and I realize that I would be a really crappy SAHP and we are all better off because I go to work and she goes to school (daycare).
I’m also a realist who would like retirement savings and to at least foot a little of the kid’s college tuition. Could we live on husband’s salary? Probably. Do I want to cut coupons and watch every penny while living paycheck to paycheck? Oh, hell no and that’s what it would be in our situation. And for that matter, do I want to be totally dependent on ANYone? That’s another hell no, by the way.
I, too, used to be defined by my job. I’m not anymore and I don’t know if that’s parenthood or age or just my nature to find my niche and be happy to stay there forever. Probably just apathy on my part these days. :)
You’re doing great, and the haters can go to hell.
You make your choices that fit your life, and they make their own. Until they walk in your shoes…..they can keep their fu*king opinions to themselves. The arrogance of some people is just amazing to me.
You keep going girl, you’re doing just fine without some idiot’s opinion.
Babe, you are accountable to no one unless you choose to be.
When I get there I hope I can keep it together half as well as you do! Love you. Happy Mothers’ Day.
“…some women turn left and some turn right…”
Amen. The world’d be a spectacularly peculiar place to live if we didn’t. Mystified that there’s anyone left who doesn’t get that.
Mate, I read because I like you. I would never presume to pass any sort of judgement on you or how you do things. I don’t get people who have to give their unasked for opinions/judgements, it’s just plain wrong. No one is in the exact situation you are in except you guys that are actually living it, therefore you guys get to call the shots. Pretty simple stuff I would have thought, but I guess some people can’t help themselves. Just know that they are in the minority and that there are heaps of us out here that care about you and would never presume to tell you how to live your life. xx
I have never understood why people leave nasty comments. I mean really? Have they nothing better to do, than spend time reading blogs, and then thinking of nasty things to say? Wow, I can *so* find a better use for my time. Maybe I’m an overly positive person (believe me I have my “woe is me” moments like clockwork- approx every 28 days! Hah!)
I read your blog, and I stand in AWE of everything that you achieve as a career woman/mother/wife/step-mom (that’s quite a hat store you have there), I marvel at women who can and do, do it all like you do.
I agree wholeheartedly about the nursery thing, in fact I’ve had this discussion several times on my blog where I just don’t see why just because I have ovaries and a uterus that works when its required to that that makes me a great mom, or for that matter the person best suited to raising my kids during those daylight hours when they should be learning. If it was my only choice, sure, I would make the effort, and I would be good at it, you can bet on that, but the fact is that it is NOT my only choice. My kids go to a) school… the older one is 4.5 and b) a day-mom/playgroup of 5 kids…the younger one is 2 and they both *LOVE* their respective places.
I send them to the person best suited to tending to their educational needs, in the same way that I do *that* which I am best at, by being a graphic designer, who works from home, and earns the extra money that makes the extra mural lives of my kids richer. If my kids are sick, I take them to the doctor, the person, in that instance best suited to healing them etc. So why oh why do other women choose to make out as if it’s hell on earth for children to be sent to nursery? Why is earning money for a women a bad thing, if the extra money is necessarily required, but makes our childrens lives so much richer?
I’m so tired of having this argument – isn’t everyone else? Should we as women back one another up regardless of our choices – because let’s face it as a women, we just do it tougher than the guys do. Just yesterday I was talking to a full time working mom whose son is in my sons class, and we were lamenting the fact that even though we have wonderful husbands who do their fair share of the parenting, it still seems as though they get the luxury of heading off to work without thinking about the multitude of things that as mothers ‘we just get’. Anyway, I’m rambling an entire blog post of it’s own in your comments box and I don’t want to overstay my welcome :) Love your blog, admire you on so many levels, and giving the troll commentators the finger.
Up until my husband got an international assignment up here in Tokyo, I was working full time (am currently on a two-year sabbatical while we’re here but still tied to my employer) which is something I intend to take back on once we return to our home in Belgium. One of the first things I did upon arriving was finding a part time creche for our son. He goes every morning during the week and he loves it. Do I fee guilty about not working and sending my child to daycare? Nope. He loves it, the place is wonderful and miles better than any creche in Belgium, he needs the contact with other children and I need free mornings to do stuff I’d rather do sans-child (household things but also “selfish” things like going to the gym. I know I am privileged and that these two years are out of the ordinary, so I enjoy them while they last.
I know, however, that I am not cut out to be a full-time mum for the long run. I don’t feel guity at all, I am the child of a full-time mum myself and I am not an axe murderer or anything and I love my mum dearly.
I say, don’t let the one judgemental comment ruffle your feathers. No need to explain yourself. The world is big enough for all kinds of life choices.
Sayonara!
Anyone who reads here regularly knows how you feel about this, and only an idiot would try to ram their opinion down your throat anyway. I don’t know you, but I’ve been reading long enough to use tact when commenting, even if the topic is something I don’t agree with you on. Just like I would do with anyone I considered a friend! I think you should continue to write about whatever you feel like and to hell with the nay-sayers! I mean really, people, would you rather hear what Shannon has to say about work that day? Or would you rather she kept silent and didn’t post because of idiots like that commenter?
I find it sad you had to write this at all. Most of us spend our time doing the best we can with what we have before us. I suppose the rest spend their time judging those who makes choices different then their own. I wonder who’s kids will be better adjusted?
From what I read, you’re real, you’re doing a great job balancing a dozen plates and I personally find that amazing and admirable!
Happy Mother’s day, Shannon.
I have been the role of a stay at home mom, a part time job-share mom, and now a full time working mom to 2 boys, who are now almost 4 and almost 6. There are pros and cons to each situation. Having been in all positions, I can honestly say that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of any fence. I am glad to have had the opportunity to be in all of the situations to discover what works for me, my husband, and my family both emotionally and financially. There are times I wish life were simpler – don’t we all? For some reason, there are moms who choose to wage war between the stay at home mom and the working mom, and one is better than the other. That stance is prejudicial and unsupportive. I do hope to keep hearing about your career struggles in your blog, and how you manage to pull it all together at the end of the day, and how your children ground you. And… how on earth can you find the time to blog so frequently, and write so well, on top of all that you do? (parent, renovate, work, emotionally heal, clean vomit out of car seats, etc etc etc…) Dust off your cape, woman, and wear it proudly! – you are Super mom!
I think ‘stupid’ is the not reecognising that in life it’s often a juggling act of pragmatic choices, that there is a place called the middle way and that very rarely is there a clear right or wrong.
My experience is that most people do the best they can with the resources and options they have- I would suggest you do it with a level of insight and awareness that makes the people who respond with criticism and judgement trailing some way behind in the dust !!
Just this morning I wondered out loud how long the working vs stay home mother discussion would last. I’m 37, I know my mother faced these comments. 37 years at least, and it still isn’t enough? Sadly not a mother myself, so that may be why I cannot understand the gale force of it?
People need to just realize that in every situation and in every family there’s differences. What is good for one, may not work for another. What business is it of anyone else how children are raised? Yes, everyone needs to step in when they see abuse or neglect, but come on… why are there daycare centers, nannies and babysitters if that wasn’t supposed to be an option for families? I teach in a preschool/daycare center and I also hear countless opinions regarding my choice to do that while my son is across town in another daycare center. I have decided that my son is in extremely good care while he is there and his smile proves that the decision I made is right, for him and for me.
Not that it should matter, but Shannon, you’re respected and understood by many moms out there and all of us are proud to be your friend. As for the rest, look in the mirror!! If you were perfect, you wouldn’t be spending so much time on the computer reading blogs, you’d be with your children 24/7 and making your home perfect for them!
Oh and Happy Mother’s Day!! :-)
“We need my job. We need our kids. And we ride the line between the two, sometimes getting it wrong, mostly getting it right.” A-men, sister.
I met you before the twins, and you were a wonderful mom then. Wonderful to your stepkids – invested, big-hearted and always weighing their needs. Wonderful to the future kids you hadn’t begun to have – planning, thinking, dreaming. Wonderful to the children you were never going to have – remembering, mourning, taking the lessons from the experiences of then and making them matter.
No one – and I mean absolutely no one has ever, ever, EVER walked up to my husband and said “if you really wanted to be a good father, you’d quit your job and stay home with your son.” The idea is ludicrous. So why in the name of God is it all right for anyone, at anytime, EVER to walk up (or blog up) and say it to a woman?
Parents love their children – the best they can, in the moment, with what they have. Parents? Love their children. Both parents, most parents, you. This is how we save the world – by loving our children. The best we can. It is all we can do, it is the best we can do, and we take it seriously.
You have always been an amazing parent. You will always be an amazing parent. And those who say differently are simply casting their own insecurities up on the wall like a home movie – shouting “I don’t know what the hell I am talking about!” Let’s take a moment of pity for them, and move along.
To paraphrase CS Lewis? A person could no more detract from your strength as a mother than than a lunatic could put out the sun by scribbling the word, ‘darkness’ on the walls of his cell.
I’m constantly in awe of what a superb mother you are to all four kids!
There’s no one size fits all when it comes to bringing up our children – we all do our best. We’re very lucky that you lift the letterbox and let us peer into your life – why does anyone think that gives them the right to sit in some kind of judgement?
You’re an inspiration to many, Shannon. Don’t let the bastards grind you down!
I just wanted to say Happy Mother’s Day. From what I’ve read here, you are a fabulous Mom.
BRAVO!! I have just sent this to three friends who are currently dealing with this exact same critism! THANKYOU for putting in to words what I have been trying to tell them:
1. They are smart
2. Life choices are a juggle for everyone
3. That people should mind their darn business.
xx
First of all, happy Mother’s Day.
Second of all, this is your blog, your rules. I regard it as I would your living room. If someone came into your living room and insulted you, you’d be more than within your rights to give them the bum’s rush.
Third of all, I strongly believe in balance. Your work life and family life are what define you, and what keeps you balanced. Both are separate entities, but you’ve made it very clear that you need both in your life, and not just for financial considerations. And you’d be hard pressed to define yourself without either one.
Ha! This kind of thing always cracks me up, because history is not a beautiful showing of loving mothers choosing to stay at home to raise their children. History is women who hired nannies and wet nurses if they could afford them. It is women who worked in the fields while those who worked in the village watch the children. It is women who lived down the street from their mothers, so they would have family available to take care of their children if needed. Being judgemental about other people’s choices is the luxury of the middle class. I envy SAHM’s their freedom and their lack of annoying bosses and coworkers. I pity them for their financial dependence and repetitive days. But I don’t think there is any need for judgement. And anyone who wants to judge my choices can suck it.
Happy Mother’s Day, Shannon, to someone who loves and supports her whole family in the way the works best for her!
You’re doing fine with your babies, and with your man. Anybody who would try to make you feel less should just piss off.
Oh Shannon, some comments just cut to the bone don’t they?
xx
Please don’t let trolls dictate what you write on your site. I know that is easy to say but remember that this is YOUR space, not theirs. Block ‘em and move on. I tried the SAHM-thing and was miserable. It’s not for everyone and that is okay. I think you are doing what is best for your family and that is what counts. Happy Mom’s Day, Shannon!
Everybody has pretty much said all the things I wanted to say, and so much more succinctly to.
I rarely comment, but I do read you everytime I can.
I just want to say this;
I applaud and admire the strength and determination you show through all aspects of your life. Your babies are 2 of the luckiest kids in the world to have you and Alastair as parents, and Melissa and Jeff are lucky to have you in their lives too.
Life is about decisions and choices. No matter what anybody else thinks or says they are yours to make.
And so far I do believe you’ve done a damned fine job.
I’ll go back to lurk in my corener now until something else really gets me going :)
Ax.
I don’t comment much but when I do it’s always because something you’ve written about the mother/work balance has really touched a chord with me. Please don’t stop writing about work. I totally get why some things in your life are private because of the impact on those you love, but please don’t let some idiot stop you from exploring what you want through your writing here.
I think you’re a wonder. Hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day.
I hate that you had to put all the time and energy into that post. Am available to go talk some sense into that thoughtless and tactless and completely lacking in empathy response leaver!
You continue to be an inspiration to me, even though you’re only about half my age. Big HUGS!
I trust you on that, and always have. Anyone that’s spent any time reading would know better than that person.
You know, my immediate family has combinations of stay-at-home moms (my mother, my sister-in-law) and working moms (my sisters, my mother (yeah, it changed from time to time), my other sister-in-law.) You know what? All of the kids are turning out (did turn out) pretty well. One of my sisters would work even if she won the lottery, because she’s not the SAHM type. Me, I’m mostly at home, and I know that’s lucky, but I still work one day a week just to get out of the house.
I also have friends who do various combinations, including one who has a writing business and so does some WORK from home (though she does have an office too.) Guess what? The infinite variety seems to work pretty well.
I just don’t understand why people think it’s their need to poke their noses and opinions in where they don’t belong. But then, I don’t have the energy to run someone else’s life, I’m just fine running my own.
ugh. Haters suck, you rock. Each to their own. You’re living a life you love – who is anyone else to sit in judgment on you? How DARE they!!!!!!!!
I think you’re fantastic. I will never understand why people want to foist their opinions on their choice.
I didn’t love my job, and it didn’t pay much after day care, so I quit. Even though I love it, I struggle with the SAHM stuff sometimes.
I don’t care what people do, as long as they love on their kids and keep them safe. I think we should do what is best for us and our family and will make us the happiest and functions well for right now. That’s going to be different for everyone.
Keep writing what you feel like writing. Screw those who don’t like it. They can write their own blog.
Love!!!!
Shannon,
Looks like I missed something ugly and petty in the comments here. I’m glad in a way, because I don’t get the holier than thou attitude that some people simply have to share with others.
You know that I’ve been with you here (and there, and there) for , well, a long time. You also know just how much I admire and respect you. I think that you’re a fabulous person and a good mother, and I think that Alastair’s lucky to have you. And not to dirty up your space with my filthy keyboard, but I think the appropriate response to such balderdash is to say “fuck off” in a somewhat less than polite tone.
Now on to more pleasant topics, such as the Lemonheads and your upcoming nuptials…
As you know, I comment very little, here or anywhere else. But I have to say, to the commenter that felt the need to comment on your life choices? Go to Hell. Seriously. The only one who should be making judgments on the life you choose to lead is you. Who says that a SAHM is somehow a better parent? i bet there are any number of SAHM who are not good parents at all… Those with Munchhousen by Proxy spring to mind immediately.
I have worked full time since well before my son was born. I sometimes work upwards of 60 hours a week, which means I arive home after my son’s bedtime. I’m a single mom now, which means I see my son less & less at times, however, he is well cared for, well-fed, well-educated. He is happy, he is healthy, and he loves me with all his might as I love him with a ferocity unparalleled in the natural world. How dare anyone pass judgment on the ways in which we raise our babies or live our lives unless they live our lives for a moment in time. If you were to ask my child if he was happy with our arrangement, I am sure that he would say that he would like me home more. However, if you were to ask him if his momma loves him, the answer is surely yes. In fact, he tells everyone he meets, how much I love him.
Love isn’t measured in time, daily details, three square meals, or how many nursery rhymes a mum knows. Indeed, Love can’t be measured at all. Perhaps your commenter is so busy telling others how they should live their lives that they, in fact, have failed at Love? A parent (those of us who love unconditionally), doesn’t measure their love for their children against someone else’s ideals. We do what is right for our children in the best way we know how, and our children love us in the best way they know how. No one else’s best way is the best way for you. :)
Just wanted to drop a quick note that i read your blog, and love it! F- the haters. Some people just like to critizie. I am a working mom too, out of necessity. My baby loves her sitter too, and it gives her interaction she doesn’t get otherwise. I like that you talk about the balance between family and work, and hope you don’t give that part up.
If I won millions on the lottery I’d use it to do the same thing I do now, but in a more relaxed manner – I think what I do is worthwhile (in general and for me) and interesting (in general and for me) and I’d use the money to remove the stressful bits I hate. Like applying for grants you don’t get. See latest blog post.