A few life things, m’kay:

1) I had the Mirena coil put in almost three weeks ago. To date, I can report the following:

- My surgeon advised me that I would be looking at 4-6 weeks of bleeding and Holy McJesus you bleed. A lot. Relentlessly, really. And it goes on and on and on. To be fair it’s not giant bichon frise-type bleeding, it’s just annoying constant flow, kind of like the whiny toddler in the back of the room that just won’t let up. It’s the kind of bleeding that you put in the teeny tiny tampon, the ones you always laughingly collected with something akin to desperate belief you could use them, much like your desperate belief in Santa Claus and the perfect pair of jeans, both of which you may need to pony up and admit aren’t real. Then you go a while with nothing and go pon-less only to find yourself racing out of a meeting with visions of Carrie-like proportions taking over your pants. I’m reaching the point of just saying “Fuck it, I’m going commando in terms of the feminine products.”
- But not only are you relentlessly bleeding, much like those days post-pregnancy when your uterus was wringing itself dry, what’s coming out is not the kind of scent that you would want in an air freshener fragrance.
- Unless you don’t like someone, then go with the fragrance of the old blood coming out – wrap it up a a present to show how much you care.
- Make that if you really hate someone and go on from there.
- And my breasts are so sore that if you so much as breathe in their general direction then I will be inclined to smack first and ask questions later.
- And I have gained a pound or two and actually craved chocolate for about 0.987 seconds, which is a new one on me.
- Don’t get me started on the mood swings.
- No really. Fucking don’t.
- I’m told you have to get through this beginning part, where your body adjusts, and then you’re ok. I’m keeping my eye on that target, because I really need it.
- My bladder, however, is the absolute business. I love my new bladder. I plan on spending the rest of my life with it. Everyone should have a bladder like mine, one that doesn’t need emptying every 2.79 seconds and comes with regular infections. For Christmas I’m giving out new bladders. It’ll help wash away the memory people had of that dodgy air freshener I was handing out.

3) I finally got my hands on a Spaceboyrobot and am eagerly awaiting its arrival.

4) The elections are coming up here in Britain. Here’s what I love about it: they only just announced there would be elections and the campaign trail lasts one month. It’s completely fabulous. And I have decided to vote Liberal Democrat, only we live in a hardcore Tory area so a vote for the Lib Dems is a total throw-away vote. And I think Nick Clegg is kind of a pretentious plonker. Oh, and I’m not a citizen and can’t vote. So I’m really not voting at all just, you know, wishful voting.

-S.