And you’ll have that song in your head for the rest of the day.
Motherhood is this club. A great, big, huge club that you get handed a laminated card to on the day you deliver a baby and for which the dues are paid in callouses, bags under the eyes, and stacks of printed off photos that you alone think show how cute your kid is. You didn’t know you would be getting into this club when you have your child(ren), nor did you know if you wanted to be part of an official club anyway. Groucho Marx was an asshole but his quote “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member” sums up my life fairly well.
And the club is often good. There are times you get advice – make milk in batches beforehand, try this swaddle, rock them this way when they cry – and times when you get encouragement – the colic will stop, this helps teething, let me get the corkscrew. But what they don’t tell you is that the Motherhood Club is also something that you occasionally want to hide from. There are times when you do something and think: The Mummy Police are coming for me when they hear about this. The Motherhood Club Card was handed to me and as a dues-paying member I’m always aware that the club is out there, like the WI with assvice. It takes you forever to become a mother and when you finally get there it’s barred with good intentions. No one judges as hard as another parent. Not even the UK Home Office, and that’s saying something.
We all raise our children differently. No one raises their children in the same way, and yet all of us have opinions from blog-land to the nursery playground. For me, it happened the day I came out to the blog world that I was pregnant. Immediately there were opinions on how to raise my children. I hear it from my dad. I get constant advice from my sister-in-law. And it’s not that I don’t want advice, because there are times I ask for help and genuinely want it (except from my sister-in-law, who needs to step the fuck off already). I’m new to this Mummy business and there are times I honestly seek and need advice.
I often want to talk about my children but know that I’ll be in for it if I mention some things. And it’s hard because this is my blog, this is my space for dumping my thoughts. Lemme’ just say that again for my own benefit – this is my blog, this is my space. But the Motherhood Club is strong, the views fierce. I have to think about what I write and feel like I have to defend myself vigorously in doing so : Our children go to nursery but they love it and they’ve grown so much as individuals by going. We did a version of Cry-It-Out and it worked for us but it had to be done for Nora anyway due to colic and it’s not as fucking cruel as people make it out to be, it’s about offering comfort in levels as opposed to just slamming the door and ignoring them. We are big believers in vaccinations and do so according to the NHS guidelines as we believe the finding that vaccinations are linked to autism are rubbish and with the upsurge in measles it’s best that our immunity-challenged babies are not exposed. We bottle fed the babies and still do but my boobs were basically empty courtesy of surgery 16 years ago, the midwives suggested bottle feeding, and the UK government has said that they feel the BPA levels are well under harmful levels and yes, they can and do use sippy cups but we still use bottles because it’s convenient.
Well fuck that.
I have two beautiful, energetic, happy, pain-in-the-ass children. I may give them a bottle but I’ve ensured that they are growing in a very loving and secure environment. They may not be walking but they know that if I come flying at them with my hands raised that it’s to tickle them, not to hit them. They go to nursery but they genuinely love their carers and, as their mum, I am better for them going to nursery. They might not have an enormous vocabulary but they know that if they fall down we are there for them instantly, to blow on the owies and cuddle them until the shock of a fall fades.
That makes me more of a mother than a fucking club card does.
I’m angry, and it’s just because I feel I am judged for every parenting thing I do both on the internet and off. I realize this post is a bit “rant-y”, but I get comments and emails constantly telling me how to do things and what I’m doing incorrectly. But parenting style is a choice. Maybe I’m doing it wrong, maybe others are doing it wrong, I don’t know. All I know is I had a great weekend and I wanted to write about it, but I opened up this blog post feeling like I had to create my defenses from the get-go.
On Sunday we spent the day in the sun. I had a sun shade on the babies for the most part, but we were all just so damn happy for the sun and the warmth that we had some vitamin D soaking in on us, on our hands and feet. I mowed the lawn. The babies played in the swing. Angus worked on the deck.
On Saturday we went to IKEA and Wing Yip, a fantastically huge Asian market. For lunch we had McDonald’s. The babies shared a Happy Meal. That’s right – I gave my kids McDonald’s. My 17 month old babies had a cheeseburger Happy Meal. I knew writing that would bring a downpour of grief, but you know what? Save it. They never eat out like this and they truly enjoyed it. At IKEA, for their dinner, they split a hot dog and later they snacked on elk sausages. Saturday was a treat for them as they usually eat balanced and healthy meals. They don’t get sugar and they don’t get chocolates and cakes but on Saturday they did get food they normally wouldn’t have.
They had a great day.
So did we.
My single greatest priority for my children is that every second of every minute of every day they know that they are loved. If very occasionally that love is accompanied with a side of fries then I think that’s ok.
I don’t believe I’m alone in being a mum who does something occasionally that others would disapprove of. But I am all done with feeling like I have to edit myself because I’ll be frowned upon. I’m tearing up my Motherhood Club Card because I want to be free to raise my children the way I want to.
-H.
Go on – just watch this for the NSPCC!
Make me feel loved! Go on! Sign the Guest Map!
As a memeber of this club I can honestly say that just like any other club, there are always some bitches that think they know it all and better.
My mother gave me a great piece of advice one. “You haven’t killed them yet so you must be doing something right.” That being said, you shouldn’t ever have to justify how you raise your kids ever. So they ate a cheeseburger, they have loving parents. A hotdog you say? Whatever. When Nick is older he will probably find gum on the ground and eat that. ~shrugs~ It all comes down to; Do you love them, do you care for them, and do they know it? Of course the answer is yes, to hell with those that judge you.
~ahem~ sorry am a bit snippy this morning, I have had my coffee yet. ~smiles~
Your a great mom. :) *hugs*
Should be you are or you’re. :)
Caught my spelling oops just as the comment went through. :)
I agree with Lauren, and LOVE the you haven’t killed them yet comment!! Everyone has their own way to do things. Everyone else can jump in a lake. I feel that as long as kids are happy and safe everything else doesn’t matter.
I never really felt bad about all those happy meals till now, jk. If you can’t have a treat once in awhile what is the point in living?! I think if kids never get sweets when they go out on their own and the world is full of junk food, they will go nuts (thats what I did anyway when I went off on my own to college).
Who cares what the haters say! We love you and don’t judge!! :-)
Everything with moderation. Anything can be too much. It sounds like you’re doing a fantastic job, to be honest.
Just do what you think is right…. You are doing a GREAT job!
I hate those unsolicited advice too!!!!! I just ignore them!
You are a fantastic mama!
Since BD started nursery school, I have to defend that choice all the time. People just don’t get that not every family looks exactly like theirs. It’s ok to do it YOUR way; that isn’t wrong.
I think you’re one of the three people I’d ever consider babysitting for. The Club turned me off it when I was eighteen with their Rules About How To Do Things Properly and insistence that mashing peas into the wall helped with sensory development. That, and actually being Nanny-Cammed. Ugh. Never again. I’m sorry, but if they are fed, clean, relatively happy except for having their mashed pea art destroyed, and 100% alive, what’s the problem if I gave them a freaking blue slush? Blue #40 has not yet killed a child.
I commend you for ditching your card. Crazy Mom Club Members scare me.
Hear hear! Sometimes I feel like there is a group of people dedicated to surfing the internet and leaving ‘You’re doing it WRONG’ comments everywhere.
I actually posted about sleep this evening and I’m almost regretting not turning off comments. Really, the last thing I need to hear tomorrow morning is ‘Just let him cry/don’t let him cry/try a dummy/give a bottle instead etc etc’. Sigh.
Hear hear! Sometimes I feel like there is a group of people dedicated to surfing the internet and leaving ‘You’re doing it WRONG’ comments everywhere.
I actually posted about sleep this evening and I’m almost regretting not turning off comments. Really, the last thing I need to hear tomorrow morning is ‘Just let him cry/don’t let him cry/try a dummy/give a bottle instead etc etc’. Sigh.
Ack, double post. Sorry!
That sounds like a great weekend. Fries? Angel3 has been getting them (in low dosages) since he turned 1, and he’s still a smart, healthy, active boy.
It’s true, everyone has their own parenting style, and no one’s is perfect; but people who take parenting seriously (as you do) are to be commended regardless of whether we agree on every parenting technique or not. You and I don’t see eye to eye on everything (but we do on periodic “spoiling” w/ Happy Meals), but it’s clear you love Nick & Nora and want what’s best for them.
I always intend to speak what I believe is true with “gentleness & respect” (and appreciate when others do the same). If I’m one you thought was judging you, I apologize. It’s not my place to judge nor has it ever been my intent. If I’m not one you thought was judging you (in the immortal words of Gilda Radner) “Never mind.” : )
We had McDonald’s twice this weekend . . . to be fair – they do have the Shamrock Shakes out now. ;) You are doing a wonderful job. Our jobs as parents are to be teachers but more importantly to love. Your children are loved. Sometimes, most times, that is more important than anything else. Anyone who presumes to tell you what you are and are not doing right? Can suck a tit. Yes – yes they can. . . if they want a piece of me? come and get me – I’m in a rip this morning. I dare ya!
I hate that you feel you ahve to defend your parenting style! Your kids are gorgeous and you and Angus are doing a wonderful job at raising them!
I tore up my card as soon as I got it;) I parent in my own way and I have four happy and healthy kids to show for it. Who freakin’ cares if somebody else thinks they can do it better!
I believe you have more of us “Happy Meal” moms behind you and on the side of you than you think.
Besides, clubs are overrated.
Babe, you know that there are so many of us out there just like you. Bridget watches far more TV than I ever thought I’d let her watch, but damn, I sometimes just need to unload the dishwasher without her killing herself on the knives.
Fuck ‘em. You are doing a great job.
Harry’s had Macdonalds. Loved it. I plan to go back.
Fuck ‘em!
“I’m tearing up my Motherhood Club Card because I want to be free to raise my children the way I want to.”
We all should be so wise! Your children are blessed to have a loving mom who knows that what is right for her family IS right. Thanks for sharing your weekend.
Mmmm… Happy meal. (Insert Pavlovian response here.) LOL We don’t often do McD’s around here either but when we do? YUM! I can’t see anything even remotely wrong with it. I laughed when I read the line about showing around printed out pictures and being the only one who thinks your kids are adorable – hardly your situation. ;) There are so many of us spread around several continents who “Ooooh!” and “Awwwww…!” over your children that you must know how adorable we all think they are. I think you’re doing an amazing job raising them and you must be one of the bravest people I know putting what you do out into the internet. Thanks again for being willing to share in spite of the misguided and annoying posts from the haters.
People can be complete bitches! It is blindingly obvious to anyone who looks, that Nick and Nora are happy, healthy and loved! You continue to do what you’re doing and they will continue to thrive. Ignore everyone else!
I start maternity leave a week on Thursday and already seem to be getting all this ‘advice’. We’ve decided to follow your approach….what works for you is what is ‘right’! Stuff the rest of ‘em.
All I want to say is that your Saturday sounds completely delicious. And I mean all of it; not just the food. :-)
I’ve always said, kids don’t come with manuals. We all do the best we can. You’re doing fantastic. Keep up the good work.
It had to be McD’s didn’t it? We used to have a long walk on a Sunday and call in there for coffees and a milkshake for the small tired boy. The main attractions were that it was clean, there were highchairs and they had good toilets. My SIL delighted in telling me that her son (two years older than mine) had never set foot in one. The first time I let it pass, on the second occasion that she went all virtuous on me (in exactly the same words) I rose to the bait and asked if she wanted a medal. It was never mentioned again. I was overjoyed to hear that when my nephew was four and was offered a bithday meal absolutely anywhere he chose to go to McDonald’s.
Ok I’m going to tell you my ‘dirtly mommy secrets’. My 4 year old still has to have his pacifier to go to sleep. He also has to have it in the car. There. I said it. We keep this secret pretty under wraps (because the daycare gal would get really crabby at us) but that is my ‘mommy bad’. Oh and we go to Micky D’s far too often but when you live in MN and the temp outside is -20F and McD is the only place with an indoor playland, where else can you let him run?
There. You are not alone. We all have our issues but dang I love that boy! I’m his mom and he knows it. :-)
I remember being so totally excited on the rare occasions that mom and dad took us to McDonalds when I was small – As much as when we went to Carvelle (anyone?) for ice cream cones (brilliantly green mint chocoate chip for me…)Mom is a great cook and filled us with nutritious home-cooked meals and lots of fruits and veggies, but balanced that with the fun stuff. And seriously, how can you go to IKEA and not get a hot dog?
Once upon a time I was a super perfect ecologically correct mother, who put cotton diapers and woolen pants on her son’s bum, and cooked only biological prooved food from health stores, until I saw French parents “poisoning” their babies with hot chocolate from a vending machine in a motorway service area in France. The babies did not die and looked quite happy and healthy, and the parents seemed rather relaxed in comparison to ourselves. That gave me a lesson!
You know I give tons of EDS assvice, but I think that you are a great mom, and are much better than I was. One of Mary’s first words was “fry” if that tells you anything! We use to drive by once a week on the way home from a night class I use to take, a large diet coke for me, a small fry for her. I think she was 14 months old; just call me a bad mom (I think it was the highlight of her week actually). She said “fry” before almost any other word!
And there are some new studies out about how kids in the US are having vitamin D deficiencies because they are not allowed out in the sun, even with sun screen on. My son was at the doctor last week and they drew a vitamin d level, first time ever, so you were just being proactive.
I know that things have changed since my kids were babies but I have discovered that it seems that regardless of how well I tried, and it seems how my mom tried, we will all be judged by someone with newer and better ideas about childcare so I just take the attitude that I did the best I could at the time. (and tell your sister-in-law to frack off!)
Dear Helen, I know I’ve been away from here for far too long (but I’m all caught up now! Every word!) but I wanted to come out of the woodwork at last and scream “Amen” to your post. It’s so silly, how people just get a tiny glimpse into your life and extrapolate the wildest theories from that.
I had to smile at the IKEA hotdog. Guess whose Banana ate a whole one all by herself just today? And why do I feel the urge to write “this is the first one she’s ever had” right after saying that? It’s really annoying, how we get into the habit of ducking preemptively…
Good for you. I’ve been a Mom for nearly 28 years and have hated that Mom club just as long. From the get go I simply followed my heart and now I have two beautiful Men who can also be quite annoying to their Mom still.
Sounds like a fantastic weekend. Here’s to many more!
Hmmm…I believe I spoke out on this way back when, right?
Opinions are like assholes. Everybody’s got one and they’re all full of shit. You know what’s best for your kids. Period.
Feel free to tell everyone else to stuff their opinions where the sun don’t shine. (including me!)
thank you, thank you, thank you.
my son is nearly 11 months old and we recently had to do some crying it out so we all could sleep. i began this journey with the dr. sears book in my hand, prepared to run to my baby every time he cried, co-sleep as long as we could, wear him 27 hours a day, etc. etc. i couldn’t tell some of my friends that we were letting him cry even though it was one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do and i really could have used the support. he’s now sleeping an 11 hour night with two naps during the day. my friends ask me how we ‘did’ this and i just smile and say that he apparently just worked some things out and started sleeping. i think a lot of parenting is all about survival. that sounds dramatic, i think it’s true. my son adores us and is very attached to us even though he sleeps in his crib and had to spend some time crying in it. my little boy is happy, healthy, and just amazing. i’m not sure why then i still sometimes feel like i need the validation of the mommy club. it’s just crazy that parents — people who should be supoprting one another — are some of the most judgemental people out there. kudos to you, Helen. you’re right on the money to tear up your club card.
I’ll have you know it’s all your fault that all I can think about this morning is an Egg McMuffin. Hmph. ;)
I fed my kid Kraft Dinner this weekend…and he fucking loved it!
As you know my son is dead and one of his happiest days was the day I let him pick his own food and eat it and my organically fed nutrintionist diet-fed baby sat and ate french fries with whipped cream. There is no way to describe the joy he took in that simple meal – enough so I remember it to this day. Whether he had lived or not there is no way I could regret that moment or those choices.
Tell everyone to shut the fuck up and get over themselves.
You are doing an awesome job.
I am so glad that you posted about this today. I fed my 11.5 month old his first McD’s happy meal yesterday. I am in the midst of writing a post about it. he normally east healthy whole grain foods and fruits etc etc. I feel that if some of my friends new i would be judged. My reasoning we had a car trip to make and dad didn’t feed him lunch b4 his nap and he was hungry. He is a damn picky eater at the moment (I have no idea why he usually fare is toast, cheese and bananas.) So I fed him what I knew he would eat grilled cheese and fries. I know he wouldn’t touch hamburger with a 10 foot pole at the moment. (Maybe I have a vegetarian in the works)
Also the CIO; had to do that too. But I didn’t just close the door and leave. I let him cry himself to sleep for an hour once and I felt guilty. So I did what worked for me going in every 10 minutes or so… the co-sleeping? Sometimes we did that for naps. I liked napping with him but I can’t do it now as he moves around too much. My doctor says to do what feels right. I think this is sound advice.
I am still breast feeding as well. I feel that I am judged for this as well. I have some friends who are very organic and believe in extended breast feeding this doesn’t sit well with me. And I feel I will be judged if I don
Oh good grief – can’t believe that people would actually have the gall to criticize your parenting online & in person. Your beautiful children are the evidence that obviously you’re raising them well and making great choices. Each to his/her own.
You and I have different views on parenting. I’d never take my kid to McDonald’s (then again, I don’t really eat there myself, so there’s no point in going out of my way to get him something and not us), and daycare just isn’t for us, but really, it’s different strokes. Your kids aren’t in immediate danger. You don’t abuse them. I don’t really have the right to get all judgemental on your ass, unless you were letting them run out into traffic.
My thoughts are that parenting is a hard enough job without having to hear it from other people. I actually just wrote this on Electric Lady’s blog too, weirdly. I think it’s a pack mentality. You feel better about the job you’re doing when you have solidarity in numbers that you ARE doing the right thing. But what the fuck is right? If your kids know they’re loved, and they’re happy and well adjusted, then that’s all that matters. I hate people who feel the need to judge what others do. My goal is to make it through the day unscathed and fuck anyone else.
I cannot tell you how much it irks me to think there are people who would do more than give advice. If they try to impart their beliefs in a critacal way, they don’t deserve the respect to be heard. You and Angus are good parents. You are loving and caring and do what you believe to be in the babies best interests. That is ALL that counts. That is why those of us who care and respect you keep coming back. Don’t listen to the critical ones. They are just trying to stir the pot. Not worth the time or energy in my opinion.
First, IKEA meatballs with cream gravy and jam ROCK.
Second, dear God, you mean if I DO get to have a baby, the judging will not only not stop but GET WORSE? I thought it was bad enough having people make the assume-assumey face at me when I get hot chocolate and croissants and smear them all over my enormous hips.
I mean, I hate McD (that’s a personal have-issues-with-certain-textures-also-potatoes thing), but I hate people who pull the ‘and my foot will never cross the threshold! My child’s innards are sacred!’ shtick even more, and they make me want to run in and hold my head under the strawberry milkshake dispenser. Let the kids have the odd Happy Meal, for God’s sake, before the entire family’s humour and proportion glands shrivel away to organic unsulphured raisins.
LOVE IT!!! AMEN!!
My twins eat grass all the time, and they love it! I take them to the park everyday (its the tropics, green grass year round) and they play and squeal and usually at some point, sample the grass. I consider it part of the experience. I try not to listen to unsolicited advice, as most of it is total rubbish. Your kids are happy, healthy and gorgeous. You are doing an awesome job!
If people walked up to you and told you how to wear your hair, apply your make-up, choose your clothes or decorate your house you’d probably tell them to F-off at worst and just laugh at their audacity at best. Yet when they tell you how to mother it’s sometimes hard not to take it too personally but it’s really no more out of line than any of those other things.
Advice is great and so is comparing notes but I’m sorry, it’s just wrong to tell a mother she’s doing something wrong and I really think more people who do this should be told to F-off.
I wish every total stranger who commented that my son was too old for a binky only knew how close they were to getting their face slapped or perhaps just laughed in. You know my child better than me? Ha! You know what? When I did decide that it was time to take it away, we never had a tense moment over it. Instead of scarring him by struggling to take it away when everyone else thought he was ready, we did it with no negativity whatsoever (and he was only 4, by the way, not leaving for college or getting married or anything).
Bravo
You are right…we ARE watching you…and you know what we see?? We see a mother who LOVES her children wholeheartedly, and we find joy in the joy we feel in you.
Indeed.
My thing is moderation. My kids eat mostly organic, mostly healthy, but Lane wanted an M&M so I gave her one. And she liked it!
AMEN! You know best for your kids and tell the dissenters to go to hell.
I haven’t read the other comments and I am almost afraid to, for fear of seeing even one which criticizes you as a parent. I know that’s life, that people can say whatever they want to, and so let me say this: ANYONE (and I do mean anyone) who would look down on you, think less of you, or in any way insinuate that you’re not a good parent because of the things you did this weekend (which luckily do not include typing run-on sentences on blogs) needs to have his or her head examined.
Your love for your children (biological and step) shines through in every post you write, even when you are writing about how they drive you crazy sometimes. Having a hot dog or a french fry doesn’t change that, and no one should have the right to make you feel otherwise.
I admire you for putting your life on display for all of us, and I am so grateful that you do. Thank you.
It’s so difficult to be a mother some days that every criticism stings. This is one job that most women put their entire being into, and to be told “you’re doing it wrong” can be devastating. I think that’s why it’s easier to be an older mom (like me, where you know your own mind, and can separate the useful advice, the advice that’s great but not for you, and the “advice” that’s just someone taking a shot at you for doing things differently than they would) or a really young mom (who has an excess of confidence and a sense of infallibility). It’s you moms in the middle who suffer the most. You’ve probably only recently come to the realization that life goes on for a lo-o-ong time, that decisions made today can have long-lasting consequences, and that the nebulous future you’ve always heard about isn’t that far off. While you might say f.’em, you’re still questioning the validity of the criticism, so you don’t really mean it yet. But, once you decide that you really do know what’s best for your children (and your family), you will stop caring that people are always watching you.
Here here, Helen. And what
I’ll admit it – when I was still pregnant with Julian I was a judgmental bitch. I’d never be one of “those” parents – oh no…my preshus bebe would be only breast fed until he was a year old. He would only play with natural toys (no plastics!). No bottles. No disposable diapers, etc. He would eat only all organic homemade food and absolutely under no circumstances would he eat candy or sweets – and DEFINITELY no french fries. Absolutely no t.v. – ever.
*choking on laughter*
Then I had him, and reality struck. Now our house looks like a Fisher Price factory exploded in it – our living room is cluttered with toys that I’m sure are covered in lead based paint and giving off toxic fumes. The cloth diapering lasted about a week. Breastfeeding lasted about four months – and I supplemented with formula until six months in when I threw in the towel completely. He fucking loves french fries, vienna sausages (gag!) and Sid the Science Kid and Super Why on PBS.
And he’s happy and healthy as an ox. And I love him so fiercely that it frightens me sometimes.