Tam: Hey Pon! Is it safe to come out, man?
Pon: Looks like the coast is clear, mate. There’s no sign of The Menstruator anywhere! It’s party time!
Tam: Hurry, let’s get out of here before the Mooncup catches up with us!
Pon: Ohmigod, it’s gaining on us! Run! Run!
Tam: It’s using its unique patented funnel shape to suction cup its way to us! We’ll be overtaken and flung into landfill while Helen sings Kumbaya and practically fingers herself just to get the Mooncup into place! We’ve got to beat this, where do we go?
Tam: Let’s head for the beach! We can escape the Mooncup and catch some rays, too.
Pon: Good idea, Tam! You could use a tan, you know. You’re pretty pale.
Tam: Seen yourself in the mirror lately? I see you in a nice kaftan. Maybe a red one.
Pon: That’s fucked up, man.
Tam: Sorry, step too far I know.
Tam: Ahhhh, this is the life. If anyone needs me, I’m on the pool float under the watchful eye of the lifeguard, who’s coolly checking out my smooth fiberglass shape. Hey, whose channel do I need to suck dry to get a pina colada around here? What, Pon? What’s that you say? There are toys downstairs? Let’s get out of this one feminine hygiene town and go play!
Pon: Dude, push me! Come on, push me!
Tam: You’re heavy, man!
Pon: You should see me at max absorbancy, when I have to swell to fill the walls of the inner vaginal chamber.
Tam: Seriously, Pon, who talks like that?
Pon: The commercials always do. Do you want to talk about how to feel fresh, too?
Tam: Not really, no. Let’s not speak about that future chapter in our lives. Now let’s find a proper train.
Pon: This rocks! I’m totally the driver of this! My dream of being a train conductor and not just a giant squeegee is coming true! Choo choo! Chugga chugga chugga chugga…
Tam: You know it’s an electronic train, right? Not steam?
Pon: Don’t fuck this up for me. I’ve spent my life in a dark box with a string hanging out of my ass. This is my moment of freedom.
Tam: Hey, what’s that?
Pon: I don’t like the look of that, Tam. It says “ball bouncer” on the side. This may not be a slide after all. And I have a deep-seated fear of dark holes.
Tam: Might have something to do with your destiny.
Pon: Yeah, might do.
But soon, Tam and Pon were to go a step too far. Their curiosity, now a vibrant drive for life outside of a hemorrhaging hooch, would be something they’d soon regret. Forever.
Pon: Tam, don’t get too close! Tam! That doesn’t look safe! Tam! No! No! Noooooooo!
Pon: Oh god, the horror! The horror! You were so young, Tam, so young and so innocent! Where’s that Tampax lifeguard when you need him? Oh, Tam! Tam!
But it was too late. It was the death of Tampy. Not destined for the same fate as Pon, his freedom was too great, his lust for life too strong.
The moral of this story: Super-absorbent my fucking ass.
-H.
Go on – just watch this for the NSPCC!
Make me feel loved! Go on! Sign the Guest Map!
OMG, you are killing me this morning! Now I must clean the coffee off the computer screen lol.
lol! this is too much. how do you come up with this? it’s great! thanks for making my day. :))))
Awesome! Seriously, I managed to hold it to quiet giggles throughout their adventure, but the moral of the story drove me over the edge.
Thank you for starting my Friday laughing! That was too funny!!
ROFLMAO
(However, you can no longer claim to be “too busy” if you have time on your hands for something like this)
*laugh* I would never think to do something like this!
Thanks for the laugh. :)
I really love how you drew faces on them. That made me laugh out loud, but if I tried to show my husband, it would scar him for life since he pretends that feminine hygiene products do not exist.
Girl, you are so “not right” as my husband puts it. LOL.
Wow. Just wow…….
LOL – nice faces. ;)
You’re seriously freaking warped. And I love you even more for it, now. lol Thanks for the chuckle!
Babes …. my hormones are all over the place. Do you HAVE to show such graphic and distressing pictures? At least Channel 4 news gives you a warning beforehand!
Sheesh …
How educational. Ever thought about doing children’s shows?
Ha!! Hahaha!! The eyes slay me.
You and I need to sit down and talk……
I shrieked with laughter, and then made H come over and read the whole magnificent saga too. He is currently laughing his arse off in the bathroom – ‘Hey, sweetheart, aren’t those tampons the same as the ones you get? Bwahahahahaa…’
Oy.
You are a freak of nature.
And I adore you for it.
not to change the subject, because talking tampons deserves some serious discussion buuuut…i was shopping at my local grocery store today (in Indiana)when I spotted some wine gums in the international isle! i haven’t tried them yet, but i’ll let you know if i find them as orgasmic as you do. thanks for the tip!
I feel I must stage an intervention tomorrow. It might involve maxi pads.
You are too damn funny. I love that you ‘go there.’
One of us needs to get out more. I’m not sure which of us it is.
Too funny! Especially the beach scene! Honestly Helen, you should consider doing something like this weekly, just for the pure entertainment value!
I think I pulled something laughing so hard.
Hilarious!!
Holy f*ck, that was funny. You are seriously warped. I respect that. I bow down before your greatness.
Three words: Kotex. Super. Plus.
Makes those guys look like pansies.
A cautionary tale for the ages.
I will never be able to look at my son’s ball popper toy again without remembering the adventures of Tam and Pon. You crack me up!
ROFL
You are seriously twisted. Just another reason why I love your blog!
OMG I can’t stop laughing…
Holy frickin’ Crap, that is one of the funniest damn things I have read in a long time. Good God I can’t quit laughing. It may very well rank above the series I saw somewhere with those nasty marshmallow chicks. Tam and Pon. Good God that is frickin’ hysterical. ROFLMAO!!!
I love you. Slip into this hug-me jacket and we’re gonna take you to a special farm of extremely good humour where you’ll learn how to make floppy baskets out of yarn.