Right, so once again I find out a day late and a dollar short that it’s De-Lurking Week. But I would hereby like to offer you the chance to de-lurk! De-lurk I say! This is the one time of year I get to know who visits here and I’m going to milk it, baby. You don’t even have to leave a legit email address, your anonymity is safe! I mean, you know what kind of tampons I use (Lillets Super Ultra Plus Deluxe Mega Uber Bichon Frise. Don’t leave home without ‘em.) The least you can do is say hi.
Now, I know I promised International Internet Reveal Your Horrid Teenage Years Picture Day (it’s not an international holiday so much as something I just made up). And it’s here, on this blog, ready for your perusal. Just wait to break up with me until the end, ok? We’re talking real horror here. We’re talking “I know it’s not you, I know it’s me.” If you ever, for one moment, thought I had a modicum of cool then this post is here to disabuse you of that notion.
You ready?
I’ll wait here a minute while you compose yourself.
No, you missed a spot. OK, there.
Right. Let’s go in easy, shall we? Calmly. Gently into the night.
I offer a toe in the water that I like to call Mullet Meets Moon Boot:
See? It’s not so bad, is it? I mean, yes. I am wearing moon boots. And yes, my hair could benefit from some volume or, you know, a quick combing might do. And I do indeed have my sweater jauntily tied around my waist a-la 1980′s, although at least I am not wearing my sunglasses on my head in a pointless exercise of using them as a headband, as I was very prone to doing.
That wasn’t so bad, was it?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh! Oh God, my eyes! My eyes! They’re burning! Dear Christ, save the children! The horror! Get the holy water!
That would be me in what I like to call The Dumpy Phase. Perm – oh, sweet misguided youth – settled upon my hair like a mantle of chemical horror. I would tell you about my eyebrows, only my giant fuck-off glasses cover them. And for reasons I will never know I am wearing white tights under culottes. Culottes, people! And there is photographic evidence! I’m so awful you don’t even notice the macrame plant holder behind me, all the rage in modern chic I understand.
The knock-knees kill me. And perhaps it’s best you can’t see my feet. I don’t know for sure but I’m betting there were velcro tennis shoes on those bad boys.
Oh you think that was the easy part.
You would be wrong.
Because I wasn’t just a dick. I was a dick with a flute.
It isn’t often that you can point to a photo and say the coolest thing about it is, indeed, a woodwind instrument. But now you can, for not only is the perm, the glasses, and the inexplicable pair of white tights still there (ending rather unfortunately in white shoes, and not just white shoes but white jelly shoes, undoubtedly well before Labor Day), but I am wearing a frumpy white shirt and grey corduroy skirt that would make a Victorian woman swoon with envy. I am standing in front of my favorite crabapple tree at our home on base (USAFA, to be exact), which is where I used to spend most of my summer days up, eating crabapples and reading books, because I was a friendless loser.
I wasn’t just a dork.
I was a dork in a band.
What was that? You wanted a close up?
OK then, but it’s your retinas.
I warned you, didn’t I? Didn’t I? I told you it was bad, you strayed here of your own volition!
I am indeed standing there with a perm so tight it makes Robin Williams’ chest hair look low key. Not just that, but there was a very good chance my head would be meeting up with a tube of Alberto’s VO5 hot oil treatment that evening, which you’d heat in a glass of hot water and then wonder what all the fuss was about. I didn’t even brush my hair, I used a pick. A pick, people.
The shame.
Those glasses are, in fact, eating my face. But perhaps more noticable than the hair, the glasses, or the ridiculous fucking unicorn on my nerdy pink shirt, is the set of metal trying to take me over like that scary chick in Superman 3.
Just to show that I did indeed change, although it’s debateable if I made a change for the worse or not, I give you the following of me at 17:
At least we can say that the hair was improving even though you can clearly see the line where my hair was growing out of That Sun-In Phase Of Which We Shall Not Speak. The braces were gone but I’d probably stopped wearing my retainer by this stage, which my now prominent front teeth say thank you for. So at least that’s an improvement.
But let’s just look at the clothes, shall we? Starting at the top, I’m wearing a red shirt. Not too bad, and we can overlook the crystal hung around my neck. Crystals were cool then, especially amongst artsy folk, and I was in drama at this stage and pretty much the stereotype for the word “drama queen”. The shirt and the necklace are mostly ok.
Then it gets weird. I am in acid-wash jean shorts (may acid wash die and never come back) with a waistband so high they’re clearly looking to meet up with my boobs. And I have a thick elastic red belt over my shorts, because jean shorts need just that little bit of extra. And leggings.
I am wearing leggings under shorts.
I seriously have nothing to say in my defense to that.
There you have it. You can break up with me now, I’m ready. This was another of my big skeletons in my cloest, it was bound to happen.
Go on. I’ve got the tissues ready.
If you take up the International Internet Reveal Your Horrid Teenage Years Picture Day challenge, let me know in the comments – it’s a sort of “I’ve shown you mine, now you show me yours”. I want to see what my fabulous photos are up against because unless you really bring it, you’ve got nothing on my teen years.
Oh, and de-lurk, yeah?
-H.
You do know how to make me laugh!! I will try and find some pics as I’m sure I can rival your glasses and hair, if not the outfits!! My glasses were equal to Deidre Barlow’s in 1980′s Corrie!!
Happy De-Lurking day everyone, I comment every now ad again but read every day. The perfect post for de-lurking day.
Presuming that you are not fishing for compliments, you were an everage pretty girl with average crooked teeth and big fashionable glasses. So what?
And in the eighties you were considered as absolutely fashionable with those clothes. And sexy and very beautiful, too! Believe it or not, the 20 year old girlfriend of my son is wearing almost the same stuff agein these days because they consider it as chic! Even the ridiculous big glasses again.
I have de-lurked. There are a couple of pictures on my blog although they are nowhere near as good as yours.
Aren’t leggings under shorts / short skirts all the rage with teenagers at the mo?!
Holy smokers.
Lily, speechless.
I couldn’t resist posting a couple of horrors on my blog! I have a big box of old photos in the garage that I have been meaning to go through and now I feel inspired, and horrified! Thanks, this has been just what I needed!
My childhood and teenage photos are all stil at home, with my parents. Where they belong. Because those glasses? SO FAMILIAR. Down to the colour of the frames, even. It’s a wonder I could fit through doorways.
Hello,
De-lurking to send you a “Hej” from Denmark. I’m not much of a commentator here, but I always enjoy your posts immensely, have been following your ups and downs over the last two years, and have read it all from the very first post.
I’ve made myself known before through the babies charity, but I never comment on your blog. Why? I got nothin to say that is as interesting or wotty as you :P
Love!
Hell, they’re better than my teen photos!
We grew up in the same era-ish, so the horror of the fashion. OMG. Do I get it. My photo album is at my partner’s house, or I’d be tempted to start uploading. I too have the footless tights under shorts phase… the socks stretched to my knees phase… the horribly huge for my face glasses. At least you seem to have skipped the “clothing so big it was 3x my size” phase. I was a small kid. Shirts that big shouldn’t go on a small kid unless you want them to look like they’re haunting an abandoned house.
Ok I am now inspired to go digging. Most of my childhood is at my mother’s house, in CLING albums that she cut up with scissors turning yellow. (from a scrap booker this is horrid) I had a REALLY bad mullet and lived in the “south.” At one point we took the mullet and added glasses and the thing where you part your bangs and force them to stand up in the air. Then there was the sideways pony tail and the shirts tied on the side. By the time I got to high school grunge was in so I had a closet full of flannel shirts which I wore daily. At this point I tried to be cool and pierced my belly button. And I was a band geek. I have turned into a poster child for old navy. Jeans and a t shirt wearing stay at home mom. I do get my artsy black on when I go off to shoot weddings which thanks to the economy hasn’t happened in forever!!
Delurking-Hi!
Those are pretty awesome. I’ll have to see what kind of pictures I have at home. Most of my pictures from pre-highschool are are my parents’ house so this may take some digging.
Love it,what a great idea! I don’t have a blog, but two pictures come to mind. In one, I’m wearing my handmade polyester jumper for chorus – which I would offer is worse than band. There is another shot where I don’t look so bad – happy and smiling with cheekbones, in fact – but I have on these GAWDAWFUL dangling mother of pearl and silver earrings I bought in Mexico. I loved those earrings, but I can now see how stupid I actually looked. *sniff*
I love the pictures! I doubt I’ll do it today, but I should find some embarrassing photos to put up soon.
I’m delurking. I comment occasionally, but lurk the majority of the time. My daughter was born about the same time as your twins. I love reading other bloggers with kids about the same age as mine. Bonus points if it is an infertility blogger.
(delurking) I had those same shorts. My crystal, however, had a pewter housing with yet more little crystals. AND A DRAGON. Worked well with my catholic school uniform, and made the nuns really uncomfortable.
You’re clearly ahead of your time, since leggings are back in. Some places.
Perms & outfits usually came & went in less than a year, but glasses usually lasted 2 to 3 years. The glasses of the ’70s & ’80s are what really get me. They’re huge! And some were multi-colored swirled together. Ouch. Although, as dorky as they look now, I wouldn’t mind if bigger frames came back into style. The pair I bought last year are so small, I can’t use peripheral vision in any direction. I have to look straight on to see anything…but that’s the style now. Maybe we’ll look at these in 20 years and mock ourselves. :)
Thanks for the photos Helen.
“A dick with a flute.” Damn you for triggering the coffee spew all over my keyboard. ;-)
OK, I will finally de-lurk. I’m a 37-year-old SMBC from Wisconsin. I’m due in June after struggling with infertility for 2 1/2 years. I really enjoy reading your blog. You are a fantastic writer and have two beautiful children. Keep up the great work!
PS – I also had the perm and flute!
Girlll I was the same – braces, glasses and weird al yankovich perm! Sadly I had no chance in respect the glasses, my whole family had huge glasses. Like Sally Jesse eat your heart out glasses. I remember once showing a former boyfriend a family picture and he declared, “Wow, those are big glasses everyone has on…. You know your cheeks don’t need to see don’t you??” Touche’ you bastard – touche’. LOL
Those pictures are so many shades of awesome!
I need to get my scanner up and running again to expose the fashion horrors of my youth.
I rarely comment, but always read. You are one of my favorite writers.
Thank you for sharing.
Oh, I love you for sharing these photos! I am currently thankful that I have no (known) photos of my first pair of (enormous, face-eating) glasses, and that the other photos of my hideous fashion faux pas (rolled jeans, anyone?) are not online or easily within my reach. Otherwise I would share. Honest.
Just delurking to say I love reading your blog!
I think I can handle the glasses and the braces. I even think I can handle the double-waisted shorts (can anyone say Z-Cavaricci?). What really, really, really freaked me out was the INSANE angle of your hands in the last shot.
I didn’t have time to haul out the scanner, but I promise that while you may have to carry this shame alone today, it will not be forever.
The good thing about the 80′s? No matter how we look today, it is without a doubt always better than how we looked then.
I read everyday…just never comment (sorry!). So here’s my annual de-lurking comment to say “hi”. Thanks for sharing these pictures – they are a riot! I’ll dig up some of my own one of these days…
Hola from Mexico! Love your blog…
Wow. I’m speechless. The glasses and the braces.. just not fair!!
Most photos of my youth are at my parents so I had to look into the hard drive to see what made it. I posted some gems on my blog. The high light is my work uniform. Seriously the most horrible uniform in the history of uniforms.
http://countingpaisley.livejournal.com/
I am totally going to find some and scan them because I think my photos will rival yours.
Oh damn, I just realized that some of the really incriminating photos of my most traumatic years are at my parents’ house. I’ll have to postpone until I can get them. But I will. You have my word.
Hilarious photos & commentary! I am sad to say that I have similarly frightening pictures which I’m happy to share (just need to scan a few of those bad boys in this weekend).
De-lurking to say Hi from Fresno, California. Love your writing and hearing about your kids, they are such cuties.
Elizabeth
De-lurking, from Medina, TX, to say I’m a reader and not much of a commenter. But, I read your every post! Love your writing & those nummy babies.
You asked for it.
http://alphasarah.livejournal.com/574974.html
Hey babe. Am traveling but will play soon!
Delurking from sunny southern california. actually, it’s strangely foggy, but that matters not a whit.
You are divine, and I think your little ones are wonderous.
Keep fighting the good fight.
Also, i have vile, vile photos. I believe brocade vests and RED sally jesse glasses are involved. dear lord. vests.
Delurking to say hello from Wisconsin. You happen to be one of my favorites. Thanks for sharing yourself with us all.
Hi, Delurking from sunny Atlanta, GA. I’m a fellow mom of 15-month old twins and I love your stories about them (and your life is interesting too). You actually didn’t look so dorky yourself but the clothes, dear Lord! Well, i’m older than you so my 80s photos aren’t much better…shiny big shirts belted over stirrup pants, for example, and at attempted “claw” of bangs. Ahh the memories. Happy delurking day! ps. enjoy the limited time you have before the kiddos start walking…mine started walking at 10/11 months and it’s hellish, I tell ya!
Okay, de-lurking from New Iberia, LA. Home of Tabasco! You are one of the first blogs I read everyday. I love your writing and wish you all the best.
de-lurking in complete sympathy. I’ve got pictures VERY unfortunately similar to that.
De-lurking to say Hi!! Love reading your blog!
As a photographer, that last one doesn’t make me cringe because of the clothes. It’s the POSE that frightens me. Your hands look painful, girl.
I went to a Catholic high school and didn’t buy much in the way of non-uniform clothes, so there’s not much to show from those years. However, I do recall one yearbook where I hadn’t cut my bangs recently and was wearing my very long hair in a ponytail… so it looks as though I’ve got the mother of all bad bowl cuts. I paid very close attention to when club photo day was the next year.
Get the holy water! – made me laugh loudly. :) My family didn’t take pictures so I have a one or two from when I was a little girl and then nothing until after I married.
WOW! You should ask people to de-lurk everyday!
The photos aren’t really that bad – and we can see improvement in each one. I played the flute in 4th grade…ICK. You don’t have to apologize for the clothes. I wore dog collars as ankle bracelets in the 50′s (as did all the girls). How weird is that? Certainly worse than crystals.
Delurking from Virginia.
Can I just say that I feel so much better about my 80′s photos? Not that I looked any better, but that I looked remarkably similar. Big glasses, strange clothes, etc. Except I am blonde, and I never had the braces, so the teeth were pretty bad off. I even played the flute.
I love your blog and read it as often as I can. Thanks for sharing with us.
Your teenage pictures look a lot like mine only I had a clarinet. Perm? Check. White stockings with white shoes? Check. Plastic frames way too big for my face? Check. Leggings? Acid Washed Shorts? Crystals? MOON BOOTS? Check, check, check and check. Sorry, babe, we were all sad and pathetic back then, but that’s why no one noticed! Adored the trip down memory lane.
Delurking from NYC! Great pics! I really enjoy reading your blog — thank you for sharing!
I’m not de-lurking as I’m more along the lines of a stalker.
I did participate in International Internet Reveal Your Horrid Teenage Years Picture Day.
Ok, de-lurking here. I enjoy your blog and your blunt honesty. Thanks for making it okay to avoid the “let’s pretend we’re perfect” attitude. :) I have been reading for a long time and don’t remember how I came across your blog…possibly because of some link with twins (I have 4-year-old twins). Thanks again,
Jan
De-lurking here as well.
I found your blog through flickr awhile back. been hooked ever since.