Twas the night before Christmas, quiet as can be,
Not a creature was stirring, except Angry Maggie.
The stockings were hung on all the bedroom doors,
Since the fireplace mantles in the house were no more.
The children were nestled all snug in their cots,
As Mama’d put them to bed at 6 on the dot.
And Angus and I, well into our cups,
Had just gone to bed with wine-y hiccups.
When out on the lawn I heard a bang and a shout,
I sleepily asked Angus to go check it out.
With his snore and a fart and no sign of life,
I go check myself, my head full of strife.
The moon was sucked in the muddy backyard
And made me fall down the stairs, and fall down quite hard.
When I stood up what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
“Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on Donner and Blitzen!”
And why, I wondered, are the names all so German?
What’s wrong with Bootsy and Thomas, Edward or Herman?
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St Nicholas too.
“Get off of our roof, it’s part-made of glass!
Get on to the lawn, now move your fat ass!”
“Hey buddy!” I shout. “Your reindeer have my ovaries humming!”
But if you think I’m cleaning that up you’ve another thing coming!”
Santa smiled and said “Have a poop bag I can borrow?”
“Otherwise I’ll come back with my own bag tomorrow.”
I sigh and wave off and open the door.
“You can come in, avoid Maggie the Whore.”
Santa smiled and laughed and stepped in the house.
“Take your boots off!” I lecture. “You miserable louse!”
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his toes,
(Fur is so wrong, I’ll ensure PETA knows.)
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.
His eyes-how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
“Hey Santa,” I ask, “Been hitting the sherry?”
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight like a gnome,
“Don’t light that thing up, this is a non-smoking home.”
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
“Sorry for lecturing and all the rules of this place,
The renovations have made me a total head case.”
“How are you dear Helen, my American girl?
This past year has really been a big whirl.
New job and extension, not to mention the babies,
Taken a little too much on perhaps, Helen, maybe?”
“Oh Santa, you know that I love Christmas so
With the start of December my troubles just go.
And I know they’ll be back on January One
But for now let’s relax, have a laugh and some fun.”
He reached to his bag with a twitch and a jaunt.
“Hey Santa!” I squeal “Are those the earrings I want?”
“Oh Helen,” he laughs, “What would you like?
Tell me your heart, here you take the mike.”
“Well, Santa,” I say, “I hope Christmas is happy and warm
As tomorrow all the relatives descend like a swarm.
And Melissa and Jeff and my wonderful two
Have a day they’ll remember the entire year through.”
“Cause Santa,” I sigh, “Problems I have.”
Working it out stumps my stupid sat nav.
But with my partner, my stepmom, the love of my Dad,
At the end of the day, my life’s not that bad.”
“The changes, the choices, the life that I know
Is so different to when we first met those four years ago.
I’m happy, I’m sad, I don’t know what to do,
I just know that I love, and this love sees me through.”
Then Santa, he hugs me, squeezes me closely to him.
“Uh, St. Nick?” I ask. “Ever heard of a gym?”
I keep hugging with Santa, my friend, my elf-man.
Then “Santa?” I growl. “Please watch your damn hands.”
He laughs and he smiles and goes straight to his work,
And fills all the stockings, then turns with a jerk.
“The stockings, you see, the stockings so deep.
Is that all you fill, Santa? Are you really that cheap?”
He grins and he opens his bag up once more
Then he sets all the gifts down on the floor.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod out the glass doors he goes!
“Thanks Santa Claus, take it easy my friend!
And if you wake up my babies it’ll be your sad end!
As far as my Christmas, I’ve no real requests
Other than for your return to clean up this mess.”
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”