Yesterday my stepmom arrived. She’s in town for the week and my dad arrives Thursday night, just in time to be there for our massive Thanksgiving bonanza.
“I’m going to need you to pick me up in the big car,” she’d said hesitantly on the phone the night before.
I laugh. “Why, how much are you bringing?”
“Let’s put it this way – you know how you see people leave the baggage area at Heathrow with giant suitcases wrapped in plastic, and you just know they’re moving to England? I’m going to be looking like that.”
“Uh…what are you bringing?” I ask hesitantly.
“You’ll see!” she says excitedly.
So yesterday I pull up alongside the pick-up point at Heathrow. My stepmother waves from inside and then I see something massive start to move. I can’t tell what it is from the shadow, but it appears that my family have brought a laptop case, a wheelie bag, and a mastodon.
As she moves out of the shadows and into the sunlight I see that what I’d assumed was a prehistoric pachyderm was actually a box so large that I could pack an entire family in it. It is quite frankly the largest box I have ever seen. I squint the sunlight off, trying to see what might be on the box. I can almost make out lettering. It’s…is it? It’s…oh. My. God.
I shriek with laughter.
I hop out of the car and head for the box and my stepmom.
“Angus is going to hate that,” I say, indicating the box.
“Merry Christmas!” my stepmother shouts, hugging me. “He can’t hate it, it’s our Christmas present to you!”
Inside the box is a giant fuck-off family of light-up snowmen for the front yard. It’s the queen mother of all lighting designs. Daddy, Mama, and Baby Snowman are enormous and, if the box is any judge of it, will light up the house like a fucking runway. We will blind our neighbors. We will make Clark W. Grizzwald’s concoction look like a tinker toy set. It is hands down the biggest, gaudiest, tackiest Christmas decoration in the history of Christmas decorations.
I am immediately and wholly in love with it.
We manage to get the box into the car and head home, where I cannot wait to see Angus’ face. He is more traditional with his Christmas preferences – he likes modest decorations. I want the place to look like Christmas threw up in the house after a bad eggnog trip. I take good taste and sensibility and throw it out the window. I want the house to resemble not so much a tasteful ode to the holidays but a tribute to all things Christmas – he likes color-coded trees (sometimes decorated only in lights) but a few strands of twinkly lights are not going to satisfy me, I want ornaments and I want them to be random and to be everywhere. I would host Rudolph and all his little buddies in the house if I could. There is nothing discreet about my love for Christmas, I don’t see why a little (or a lot) of sparkly tinsel can’t help me get that message across.
When we get to the house he emerges, as he’d had to be on conference calls while I picked up my stepmom. He looks at the back of the car. He clocks the mammoth beast of a box taking up the back.
“Christ, what did you bring?” he asks, squinting.
I grin crazily. “It’s our Christmas present!”
“Is that? Its….Oh. My. God.” is his reaction, as the color runs out of his face. My stepmother and I are almost pinging off each other in delight on the lawn.
He looks aghast. “There’s no way we’re putting that thing up.”
“Oh yes we are!” I squeal. “I love it!”
“It won’t work. It’s on 110 volts,” he says smugly.
“Then you shouldn’t have bought those two converters off of ebay last year!” I laugh.
“It’s hideous!” he gasps.
“Yes it is,” I reply. “And I love it. And just imagine Nick’s reaction!”
Nick, our lovely lighting boy. Our boy who loves all things sparkly. My stepmom bought him an enormous train that lights up, I can’t wait to install it for him.
Angus nods in agreement. “”Nick is going to love it.” He looks at the box “It says ‘Crystal Elegance’ on it,” he says with exasperation. “I think my definition of elegance and their definition are two different definitions.”
In the end he agrees we can set it up, but not until after this weekend so our friends are not witness to my hillbilly Christmas delights.
Angus digs out one of the converters and sets up the smallest of the snowmen (the smallest snowman is 3 feet high. The Mama Snowman is 4 feet high and Big Daddy Snowman is 5 feet high. I got your trailer trash decorations right here, my friend) as a tester.
It is enormous.
It will require nuclear power to light. Electricity will not be enough. We will have to burn things to power it. Big things, things that let off bad smoke and require chanting to be done around it.
It is absolutely monstrous, on par with those giant inflatable snowglobes or the plastic Santa sets people put on their rooftops, the ones where Donner and Blitzen are missing a leg or two and Santa’s ass is precariously perched on the side of the chimney.
But no one can tell me it isn’t worth it.
Not when you get an expression like this.
-H.
My cats would love it- and destroy it immediately. I so envy you…it’s simply great.
Lily
I would buy that baby his very own runway for that look. I totally agree. Grandma knows best.
Great expression and great picture!
I’d wrap the entire house in lights just to get that look of awe over and over again!
That’s not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I envisioned those inflatable CHRISTmas scenes (like an 8′ tall inflatable snow globe) that you have to anchor down because they’re so big. What you got actually IS elegant compared to those. : )
My apologies if I offended anyone with a giant, inflatable “snow globe”. I’m more like Angus: traditional and minimal.
It’s wonderful! I love those things!
And I’m sure Angus has changed his mind after seeing Nick’s reaction. So cute.
Fantastic! What a wonderful look on his face…like he can’t believe his luck!
Can’t wait to see a picture of all 3 set up in the front garden….and the neighbours’ faces!!
Love that! Like he hit the Christmas Light Lottery!
I’m with Solomon. I was picturing one of those hideous (apologies for anyone that likes them) blow-up things. This is actually not that bad – as traditional (read: boring) as I am I might be persuaded to put this on my lawn. Good choice, stepmom!
It’s beautiful! It’s not like those inflatable ones…
That’s awesome. :)
I don’t know, Hel. He looks a little suspicious.
You know, I need to go to Costco this week and my conservative Angus-y Christmas sensibiities have suddenly fled leaving me in need of a family of luminous snowmen for my lawn….
I loved your photo of Whistler too, BTW. I should get to Lake Louise this season to take some shots of their lights and ice sculptures. It’s just so Christmassy that way.
I love the look on his face. He’s saying….”WTF is this thing?”
I had that look on my face, too! I love it. YOur stepmom rocks!
I love the snowman! Now you need to get the matching reindeer family.
http://cgi.ebay.com/New-Christmas-Lighted-Outdoor-Yard-Reindeer-Decoration_W0QQitemZ220316515310QQcmdZViewItem
Totally worth it!
Love it, love it, love it!!!
OMG … iam envy personified. I love love them. You have the best stepmum ever bringing you that for a gift. I cant wait to see what they look like when you get them set up outside the house?
I’m with you on Crhistmas, I dont do subtlety when it comes to decorations. Or sparkles so am with Nick on that one too!!
My cousins wife is a decoration fascist and disparaged her neighbours on her blog for having outside decorations. She ‘hand crafts’ things out of leaves .. yeah yeah. BRING ON THE TINSEL AND GLITZ …
Your snowfamily ROCK!
It is truly wonderful and elegant.
Clearly Angus has not been privy to the giant 1970′s era plastic behemoth light up snowmen (and mangers, and santas, and reindeer) that dot most neighborhoods in the states.
If I could only get my hands on one of those giant santa heads to send to you……
Hilarious! That’s what they get for letting an American in the neighborhood! ;-)
Ha! LOVE the look on his face. He looks so grown up there!
The snowpeople are gorgeous, and Nick’s expression is priceless! He also seems to have turned from ‘baby’ to ‘little boy’, overnight. What a beautiful wise old soul he is.
This is the perfect start to the silly season. Thank you for injecting some much needed sparkly oomphf at this end. ;)
Holy crap. I am LMAO!!!
Oh, boy.
Hubby & I began our emotional journey over Christmas lighting round about where Angus is currently. Our inner sophisticates recoiled in horror.
But now? We are older. Maturer. We now think the stuff is so fucking tasteless that we simply must have some! Harry is already the owner of a 3ft neon train, and I’m eyeing up the reindeer possibilities.
Your snowmen rock.
Well, uhm, I have seen more tasteless Christmas decoration. Your son doesn’t look delighted, more or less anxious, I would say.
I’m with Ms. Pants. That’s not a look of awe. That’s someone who agrees with Angus.
Our Christmas decorations won’t go up until Friday. That’s one thing I’m adamant about: NO CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS UNTIL AFTER THANKSGIVING AT MY HOUSE.
However, I love the tacky Christmas decorations. You can see our house from space.
And we will have the mother of all tacky Christmas decorations in our front yard. It’s a Major Award:
A 6 foot tall inflatable leg lamp (as seen in A Christmas Story)
Hahahahahahahaha!!! That is AWESOME! His look is so precious! I’m glad you shared photos – the Costco one doesn’t work anymore. Bummer! Out of stock!
I cannot WAIT to get the tree up. The babies love all things that light up, and I am like you, I love it to look like Christmas got sick all over the house. Luckily, my husband goes along with my madness.
WIth the first snow (it’s northern MN afterall) my 3 year old asked when we could put the tree up. I’ve spawned another lover of all things sparkly. The weekend of Thanksgiving is when the tree goes up and it stays up well into the new year. It’s great mood lighting for the living room, plus it entertains the 3 year old who redecorates it daily. (Remember to put lots of soft non-breakable things at the bottom of yours!)
I, like some of the others, thought it was going to be an inflatable beast. Instead, you got something I’d consider quite classy and most definitely not white trash. (I gotta take pictures of the neighbors house this year!)
Mind you, I’ve said all of this and mentioned to my husband how cute I thought the inflatable penguin was the last time we were at HellMart.
ROFL! They’re awesome! And the picture of Nick is priceless…. :)
You’re going to show us a picture with all of them out, right?