Right – say you’re walking down the aisle in a shop. As you do. And you see a mom with multiples. Do you feel like talking to the babies? Do you feel like talking to the mom? You do? OK. A little help with some ground rules, if it’s ok.
Whatever you do, please ask before reaching for the babies. Some moms are ok with it, some aren’t. I remember being in Sainsbury’s once picking out brands of coffee when I hear behind me “Mummy, can we keep them?” as I see a pre-teen pulling the cart – using the feet of my children, mind you – towards an alternate destination other than the one that was directly behind my back, as these are my children.
Not a good idea.
Every time I go out with the babies I get comments. Lots of them. Sometimes I love it. Often, though, I’m in a hurry and don’t. And then there are the standards – I hear the same things again and again. Some things get right up my nose and I would like the record to get changed. I’ve heard some things so many times I’ve created responses which I may or may not whip out, depending on the person asking and my level of snarkiness for the day*.
Some examples :
Ohhh! Wow! You have twins?
No. You may want to have your vision checked.
Is it a boy and a girl?
No. Two girls. I dress one in blue and one in pink to mess with the system.
It’s an instant family then!
Yes! All I had to do was add water and stir after 5 minutes and presto! Maybe a nice side salad with it, what do you think?
Are they identical?
OK, you’ve just spent 5 minutes in this queue staring at them. Do I have to do all the work here? Do they look anything alike? What, you just glance at something and don’t bother working through the details? So if you’re the point person at a police line-up do you just shrug, say “Fuckit, let ‘em all cook” and walk away because you can’t be assed to look at the faces?
Also – it’s a boy and a girl. A little background here – if you have a set of boy twins they can be identical or fraternal. Same with a set of girl twins. If you have one of each, they can only be fraternal. They will look as alike or different as any set of brothers and sisters. So look again at these two. The only thing they have in common is they both have 6 teeth. Would you say they’re identical? No? OK?
Are they natural?
No. They’re androids. We’re not happy with the software but we’re waiting for an upgrade to Baby 2.1 which we hear is cracking.
Do twins run in the family?
No they don’t run. They’ve only just started sitting up in fact. (I go for the deliberately obtuse angle on this one. And I smile really big. That usually wards them off.)
You’re so lucky – they can entertain each other!
Yes. Nick is Marcel fucking Marceau and Nora is a top-notch babysitter, unless she finds the vodka. Then all hell breaks loose. But child services have told us that unless we stop leaving them alone like that they’ll send the blue car and we take that shit seriously.
Which one is the evil twin?
They’re both evil. They take medication to ward off the evil because seriously – if they go off the meds they make The Exorcist look like Christmas with the Care Bears, man. It gets fucked up fast.
You have your hands full!
I go for the freaky on this one. I smile beatifically and say, with all of my teeth showing, “Yes, but Jesus made my heart full.” Then I keep smiling. Big. People back away. This pleases me, as the “hands full” comment is my least favorite.
And this one, from a stranger woman I met just before meeting Beach Girl in London – Do you love your babies?
No. No I don’t. I’m looking to offload them, I take it by your bizarre and, frankly, rude question that you might be interested?
If you see a mom with multiples and assume – like we often do – that chances are that unless they’re identical they are gotten courtesy of treatment (which I know isn’t always the case, I’m jaded and live in an area with many multiples courtesy of a top-notch fertility clinic nearby) then do her a favor – hold the door for her. Chances are we look like hell, are exhausted for whatever reasons, have just dealt with some kind of infant illness, and have been battling getting the remote control/our hair/our mobile phone/our sanity out of sticky little baby hands. It’s likely that we haven’t watched any real TV or had a minge trimming or sipped pinot grigio off the small of the back of our beloveds for a long time.
Stand aside and let us push our enormous honking strollers past you without looking at us with that look of “Way to go, lady, how about you just move into our house and install shagpile carpet while you’re at it?”. We know that the giant strollers take up room and believe me, we’re kind of embarrassed about that. Pretend that you cannot smell our perfume, a nice scent called Eau de Baby Puke. And, while you’re at it, pretend you can’t see the spit-up stains on our shirts, either. Tell us that our babies are gorgeous, even if they have dual candlesticks of snot trailing down their faces and look like they bypassed gorgeous when the first chicken pock showed up. Tell us congratulations.
Whatever you do, please don’t ask us if we love them or not.
That’s just weird.
-H.
*OK, I’ve only ever answered the “run in the family” and the “hands full” question with snark. The others I’ve politely smiled to the questions because I don’t like being rude.
if there’s one thing i’ve learned after nannying for twins it’s not to ask dumb questions or grab other peoples kids and tell them how cute they are…I completely understand this post…it’s also always slightly amusing to me when people assume i’m their mother (ok yes I am the one pushing the gigantic stroller but they look nothing like me I mean…sigh)
This post made me laugh this morning even though I know you are less amused. :)
Thank you for that – there’s now a vast quantity of toothpaste down my shirt as I had some issues keeping it in my mouth whilst cackling with laughter.
My personal favorite line from a stranger was when I was fourteen and escorting/dragging my niece (six months) and nephew (two years) through a grocery store – “Oh my…but you’re so YOUNG!”
Well, duh.
just want to warn you with the jesus heart full repartee because if you met my mom with that comment, she might keep you longer in the middle of your tracks while she earnestly engages you in conversation about jesus bountiful, etc.,
and on the many people who ask the are they identical question of boy and girl twins … i think there genuinely are that many stupid people around. i have heard that one so many times about my ex and his twin sister …
Some part of this post applies not only to mothers of multiples, but also to mothers of children close in age. My children are 21 months apart. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard “My, you have your hands full!” my kids would be well on their way to an Ivy League education.
My son’s hair is much lighter than mine. I’ve had several people look from him to me and say, in a very suspicous tone, “So, where’d he get the light hair from?” And I stupidly fumble for an answer every time.
Thank you for making me laugh on a regular basis.
Maybe the best suggestion is to never engage in conversation with a stranger since there is no way of knowing what will set a person off. I’m sure most comments are made quite innocently and people are just trying to be polite and make conversation. In a few years, people probably won’t give your kids a second look – babies just attract comments whether you have one or more.
My wife and I have five-week old girls. Having them out in public, I think, is being exacerbated somewhat by having a side-by-side stroller (none of that convenient “hiding the other one in back” stuff for us). We’ve dared one Costco trip so far, which left us after the first minutes planning routes through the least-populated parts of the store and racing through the busy places, as I think we were stopped about 25 times before escaping.
Our “favorite” question thus far, which we’ve gotten once, was “Are they real?” Er, no, of course not. They’re very animated dolls.
It is sometimes an annoying experience to only have one baby out in public, so I can only imagine how delightful two must be. I know most people mean well and just want to chat about how cute babies are, etc. But sometimes you just want to buy the damn milk and get out of the store!
I get stupid questions too. Does he eat? is my favorite- i know that she ment solids but come on you left that out. I showed her his things and said yes.
I will click on all of them today! I think you need to remind us they are there- I dont really notice them otherwise.
Unless you made them out of paper, glue and string – i am pretty sure tehy are natural!
abs x
My daughter got all the same comments with her boy/girl twins. She taught me not to talk to people with multiples (other than in passing), as she could never get any shopping done for stopping to talk to curious people.
Ahh isn’t it lovely. All those “well meaning” comments?
I have six kids. Yes six. And the comments we get are not only funny at times but can be damn right stupid.
I especially love when they count them out loud using their fingers as we walk by. And I tend to get snarky more often then not and reply, “There are six of them. Five boys and a baby girl. Shall I line them up for you?” My personal favorite for the “Oh my gosh you have six kids?!?!?” Me- “Yep they are my minions.” I top this off with a wild looking grin. Heh
Then again since Grace is the baby and our only girl there is always some idiot that has to say,”Wow you just had to keep going for that girl huh?” No actually I was hoping for a chimpanzee this time but ended up with her. I guess I will just keep her.
For Colleen~ We have a set of twins, or twits as my husband likes to call them, one has dark hair and dark eyes and the other blonde hair and blue eyes. So of course we get the “Oh my gosh how did you end up with a blonde one.” Me- “Bleach and a dark closet for the first six months of life.”
Wow first time commenter and I leave a book. Sorry Helen. =)
How rude! I don’t think I’ve ever commented to someone on their babies (or baby) because it would annoy me in their place. When I do see identical twins, I always whisper to my husband “hey, those babies match” because for some reason I find it funny. But never out loud!
My sisters are twins and ten years younger than me. I have to say that shopping with my sisters was the big incentive to learn a little patience in my life. My mom would get stopped constantly by idiots and it always took twice as long to get anything done. A bit of advice, when they get older (around 10) people will feel the need to come up to them and ask them many stupid questions, just because they are twins. Now that they are 25, they have a fantastic set of answers all lined up.
How can some people be such morons? I would never assume to touch someones baby and think it’s OK. When Graeme was 10 days old we went out to eat dinner and as I was paying Sgt took him outside to get him in the car. A lady came up to him and asked if she could hold him. Sgt was stunned and actually handed him over! He caught shit for that.
When our two oldest boys were little, 4 and 5, I would get asked daily is they were twins because they were about the same size(they’re 18 months apart).
Now that Graeme has entered our lives we are constantly asked if he was planned (or a mistake as one twit commented) because there is a thirteen year gap between him and his brother. I usually answer them with a long speech about ‘trying to adopt for 7 years, two years fertility treatments, blah, blah, blah. It makes people feel wierd and they back away quickly.
Good advice. I bet it’s kind of nice to be giving some advice instead of always receiving, eh? I do think the appropriate answer to the identical question is “Yes, of course.” That’ll leave their mind screwed up for awhile and they won’t know what else to say. Ideally, they will say nothing else.
Christopher
~snicker~.
I only laugh because I have children a little over a year apart and I can’t tell you how many times I got these same questions. It utterly flabberghasts me when I’m asked if they are twins. Yeah, one is a half foot taller than the other.
Yes. The “hands full” is the MOST annoying comment. When giant pregnant with the 2nd and the 1st toddler in tow who was just learning to walk, I couldn’t go anywhere without hearing “oh! You’re going to have your hands full!” oy vey! My hands are going to be full of your face in a minute.
We got all of those. Plus the one I still get – “Oh, are those your grandkids”?
I was laughing so hard my stomach hurts.
With three kids 5 and under I get the hand full comment all the time. As one is running one way and the other running the other way and Evan being held I just answer. Nope, this a breeze, I have it all under control. Want to try?
Since I have one blonde and two brunettes, I get the Where did he come from comment. My response, same place as the other two, I have the stretch marks to prove it, want to see? Normally that stops all the stupid comment/questions.
What about if your children are adopted and not of the same race? “Are they real brother and sister?” I always say yes, even though the answer they are looking for – biological – is no. How about “Where is she from?” Right in front of them! “Well Florida” is all I reply.” yesterday I got, “No where is she FROM.” Turns out that person was an adoptive mother as well. Doesn’t she know the questions chafes and is really none of your business. Most people are trying to be nice. Other adoptive moms will often turn to the child and say “Do you feel like answering that right now?” I think it is a good way to handle it. They have ears and realize the questions people ask.
I do believe I warned you about the dumb questions back when you first got pregnant! :) And I’m sorry to say, they never stop. My twin brother and I are still asked to this day (at 26) if we are identical. I usually just sigh and stare at the person that asks. While I haven’t ever been asked which one of us is the evil twin (haha!), I have been asked several times if I can feel it when he gets hurt, and vice versa. I don’t know what to say about the “Do you love your babies?” question though – that’s just bizarre!
Okay, so if I asked you if they were twins and you told me to get my vision checked, I would probably crack up and buy you a coffee. (Or vodka. Depending on the time of day.)
I’d love to know what you said to the pre-teen who was trying to stealthily sneak your children away. (I have to think her mother would have slit her throat before they left the store, as having a pre-teen means she knew what fresh hell you were in for with teething, pox, and the like.) Isn’t the most basic rule of baby-adoration “Thou shalt not make physical contact with someone else’s baby without implicit permission?” I mean, germs, weirdos, and just general heebies. Sheesh!
Also–I may have said the “You must be busy!” comment once or twice. I hereby repent. It’s not my standard response. My standard is, “Wow!” followed by some sort of compliment on Mom’s/Dad’s superhero qualities. As a childless (childfree, whatever) chick, I see any sort of parent as a superhero; and I’m perfectly content to be one of the “regular” people out on the street marveling at the Parental Superheros who have the fortitude to raise other little beings. Then, I’ll offer them a shot. (Espresso or vodka. You know, depending on the time of day.)
Pople who talk to babies/mothers in supermarkets/on the street can’t see blue and pink in my experience. Even when L was head to toe in pink I was often asked if she was a girl or boy. Ditto Z when he is in blue. “Hands full” seems to apply to any family group of more than 1 child or one screaming infant. I think people just want to have something bland to say. I also confess that frankly with babies under 1 who I don’t know well they all look pretty much the same (within reason obviously so assume same racial group/coloring for this point) so if it wasn’t obvious and they aren’t colour coded I might ask the identical question. I also always assume any fraternal twins with a mother over 35ish are assisted conception which is naughty so never ask the are they natural question (which is a very rude question frankly) but my assumption is probably equally annoying – no? As to “where are you from, no where are you really from” – I am very glad that the increasing racial mix of London means that unlike 20 years ago I am now almost never asked this question. Yey! Progress!
*hangs head in shame*
I did come upon a lady with a set of twins the other day.
I did say the ‘hands full’ thing – but with the caveat that I couldn’t imagine what rubber room I’d be in if there were TWO of Babylove.
But I’ve been guilty of all but the fraternal/identical thing – my mom and my auntie are fraternal, so I DEFINITELY know the difference.
From now on, though, I’ll just shut my piehole and hold the door.
Made me laugh…my sister’s twins are 5 and a half and she use to get the same as well! Now I think she just gets evil looks as they run around causing havoc! ;) Sweet revenge!
Do you have a paypal account? I don’t have much, but I’d like to send you what I am able.
I know I’m guilty of a couple of those dumb comments, but it’s also because of having been through IVF, I know how high my likelihood of having multiples was. And having one, who has a propensity to be difficult, well, I’d have shot my face off a long time ago, I think.
But I second Margi’s last sentence. *shuts piehole*
When people ask me the “Are they twins?” question I reply with “Nope. Just friends.”
I’ve also found that older women are the biggest commenters. Others will stare or say something to their friend, but the older women really want to chat and ask questions and look at them (their sunshades are always down). Go away!
What really gets me, regardless of the questions, is when they stand right in front of the stroller, leaning in to make sure they get all the germs from their hands and faces onto the kids.
Oh, and to the query of “Are they identical?” I once simply responded “Not the last time I checked their diapers.” And walked away from the bewildered silence that followed.
Nice after-work comedy routine. Good thing I wasn’t eating or drinking, or you’d owe me a new laptop. Maybe you should go on tour with Bill Engvall, your snappy comebacks to such silly questions puts his “Here’s Your Sign” routine to shame. And I cannot believe someone would ask you if you love your babies. I would reserve the most bizarre, weirdest comeback for such an occasion, one that would make the offender run screaming in the other direction.
Oh I could go on and on about the odd comments we get whenever we take the triplets out in public. In fact, I think I will!
“Are they the same age?” is the one I really cannot wrap my head around. No, people, the last one out is technically a minute younger than the other two.
“Do you have help?” Are you offering because I really don’t have help during the day. That is unless you count my 3 year old who thinks it’s the most awesome thing int he world when she throws away a poopy diaper for me. Oh, here she is! She’ll tell you all about it herself!
“Did you know you were having triplets?” No, it was a complete surprise at delivery. Der.
And then there are the looks of pity when they realize we have 5 girls.
I took out all of the mean swear wordy names I called these people. Hopefully medication will help with my anger issues when dealing with the general public.
I’m totally blaming you for all of this hoopla. If it weren’t for the gorgeous pics of Nick and Nora my ovaries wouldn’t have gone all mad with this fertility drugs. Kidding of course. Kinda.
Farking typos. You got what I meant anyway. I hope.
Well, I don’t have twins, but I have had a few stupid questions thrown my way.
V had a head full of ringlets when she was a tot. People would ask me if they were natural, or did I curl it myself? Yes genius, I spent all morning setting a toddler’s hair-because, you know, an 18 month old loves to sit still for that long, and running to the grocery store warrants a full on styled hairdo, and hello? Have you looked at my hair? Do I look like I own styling tools?
I love the question about loving your babies. Some people are truly thick, aren’t they? Next time someone ask if they are twins, I would respond “no, their father and I have been trying our hand at cloning. You never know when you will need a spare kidney.”
We can’t have kids and I am the worst offendors for smiling at babies nad children ever. I usually say “aren’t they gorgeous” or “aren’t you clever” (to the child) or something similar and can’t count the amount of times people say “god, you can have one”. I finally lost my temper with one yuppy Dad one day and replied “Well actually I can’t have children so I’d love one – when can I pick them up?”. He looked like he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him.
I know parenthood isn’t all candy and roses – but seriously WHO SAYS THAT!!
We had a grand time on vacation with some friends a couple of weeks ago, with our two girls who are six weeks apart in age. S is MUCH bigger than M – by like 3 or 4 inches and a good 10 pounds. While one parent was shepherding both girls up the steps to a slide, some nitwit asked “are they twins?” (OK, fine, they COULD have been, despite looking nothing at ALL alike). “No, they’re six weeks apart.” beat… beat… “oh, so they’re not?”
*headdesk*
I know enough parents of multiples and kids superclose in age not to pull out the “hands full” thing. My self-preservation instinct is strong enough for that.
OK, I’ve never asked any of these questions, but I’m totally going to start now- well, actually just the evil twin one, because THAT is 100% funny. (Only, I’m going to ask it: “which one is the eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil twin?” And maybe I’ll leer a little and tap my fingertips together.)
Really, I think you’re too close to this one. Which one is the evil twin? Hysterical! Do you get that often? Is it COMMON that one twin is just plain no good, and I had no idea? I can’t wait until I see my next set of twins, so I can make the prediction first and then ask to confirm if I guessed correctly. Also, my FIL is an (identical) twin and is flying into the country tomorrow. I’m going to be sure to establish his level of evilness before I let him stay with my daughter.
Thanks for the pointers – I think I have not said anything too horrible yet, then.
I typically just stand there and stare and maybe babble nonsense to the babies, and manage to say something like, “oh, they are gorgeous!” to the mom or dad.
About the “instant family” comment – why are people so strange about having one boy, one girl? When I was expecting my third, I got this all the time – “well, you already have a girl and a boy, so it doesn’t matter what this one is!” Uh, huh? Why would it have mattered anyway? Because I would hate having three of one sex? People can be so…thoughtless.
This was hilarious! I have a fraternal twin sister and we used to get asked the same questions by strangers, questions that drove us crazy, like, “Do you guys have your own secret twin language?” or, “Can you feel each other’s pain?” And one we particularly disliked, “Did you ever switch places in class or on dates?” Ugh. Although now we joke that if we both happened to like the same movie, it must be our PTC – Psychic Twin Connection.
My favorite has always been the are they identical one. It usually followed the asking of the sex one, to which I’d respond I had one each, a boy and a girl. The first time I got the identical one, I asked if it was a trick question. I was absolutely astounded. After that, I just reponded with a nope, the plumbing is different. I’ve never gotten the evil twin one, although it changes from day to day. Right now my son is the evil twin, since he decided to pour olive oil on the hardwood floor at the base of the stairs and call his sister downstairs so he could watch her slide across the foyer and smack into the wall. Seriously, I can’t make this shit up. LOL He said the look on her face was worth it while he was cleaning his mess up. /sigh
I find just smiling and telling the mother of said twins that they are beautiful always works for me.
I was out with my grandtwins who were tucked into their double stroller when a woman came by and asked, “Babies?” I smiled and said, “No, kittens.” It seemed the only possible answer to a question of such startling stupidity.