I look into the fridge again in hopes that it may yield something interesting. I don’t know what I’m expecting to find, I only know that I want something. I’ve had a whole wheat English muffin, a bowl of yogurt and granola, and a handful of cheese crackers so God knows I shouldn’t be hungry, but I am.
In Cancun I spent a lot of time with Angus’ son Jeff. I also managed to get some quality time with Melissa, who spent her time perusing my dive book and nicking my magazines. One evening I had to help her work the shower. I ran the tap and waited for the warm water to kick in. She nosed through my makeup bag.
“Melissa,” I said hesitantly. Hesitant not because she was in my makeup bag (it wouldn’t have been the first time she’d been in there), but because I didn’t really know how to say what I wanted to say. “I just want you to know that I love you and Jeff very much. I know I’m not your mother and I would never try to take her place, I don’t mean any disrespect. I just wanted you to know that I do think of you as a daughter, and I mean that in a good way. You’re also like my friend and my sister in some way, and I am not trying to dismiss you at all.”
The shower water was dripping down my arm onto the bathmat. I shook my hand of the excess water and turned to her. Droplets continued to fall from my arm.
“Oh I know,” she said, opening a tube of lip gloss to check the color. “I love you as much as I love my mother.”
Wow.
“I would never, ever try to take her place,” I reminded her. I mean that. I love the kid a lot, but I’m not her mother and never will be. Our relationship is some kind of mix, and it’s very important to me.”
“Me too,” she replied calmly. “I love you, too.”
It amazes me that kids can be so calm when I’m all over the place, worried that I will upset her, worried that I won’t get things right. I’ve never been a mother. Being a stepmother is nowhere near the difficult task it is to be a mother. I may think unkind things about the kids’ mother (and I do) but I would never, ever say them to the kids. Mothers should be infallible for as long as possible in a child’s eyes.
And I have learnt that in many ways, when I am with the kids, I fill some kind of motherhood role. With Jeff I am the Sunscreen Applier, the Entertainer, the Please Will You Brush Your Teeth-er, and the Have You Taken Your Medicine-er? I love that I am these people to him.
The past holiday, I found I have slipped into a “Mother Lite” role more than I had realized. Kids stand outside the bathroom door when I’m trying to have a private moment on the can and ask me questions (which, when you have a screwed-up intestinal system like I do, it doesn’t help). I am the one who simultaneously knows where the sunglasses, sunscreen, and snorkles are. I coordinate across Angus, Melissa and Jeff, and I never knew how rewarding a job it would be. I love Angus, and I love being a stepmother. They are impossible, frustrating, hilarious, energetic, annoying, and great fun. I think they’re the best kids in the world and although biologically they’re not mine I’ll love them forever, genes be damned.
I always thought my pure purpose in life is to climb the corporate ladder and rule the world.
The truth is, if I know where the sunblock is, I’m pretty fucking happy, too.
Maybe life for me will be an intermediary, a Something-In-Between. I don’t know where I will be or what I will do or how everything pans out. Suddenly, I don’t need to.
I still can’t find anything in the refrigerator, which frustrates me.
Some (most? all?) of you (mwah!) already know the details, and now it’s time to let them all out here, too.
We’ve had a hard time lately, we’ve been on tenterhooks, everything has been uncertain. It has been a roller coaster, full of incredible highs and crashing lows. 2007 is one for the books. We had an incredible New Year’s complete with a ring I still admire on a daily basis. I got out of a horrible project and got not one but two pretty cool projects to work on. Our test results on Monday came back normal, the last hurdle in the hurdle of hurdles.
Our last round of IVF worked.
I am almost 14 weeks pregnant and results on Monday from our CVS came back with the report that our worry baby is Down’s free.
I am due on October 31st. Halloween. My favorite holiday.
And we are having twins.
-H.
*From the amazing Practical Magic.
Go on – just watch this for the NSPCC!
Make me feel loved! Go on! Sign the Guest Map!
congratulations & best wishes for a continued healthy pregnancy. You’ll make a fantastic mother non-lite.
Congratulations!!!!!
I have chills, and I am tearing up at the thought. My birthday is Oct. 30th, and I’d LOVE you to have them then….LOL.Congratulations, best wishes and love to you both.
“Mother Lite” – I like it! I am a grandmother lite to 3 boys. That’s a great title.
What marvelous news! Best wishes to you and your ever-expanding family!
OMG!OMG!OMG!
Hearty congratulations to you and Angus. I wish you all the best!
Coming out of lurk mode to say
Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations and Best wishes, Helen
That’s terriffic. Congrats, and good luck on a healthy pregnancy.
I’m hoping they hold out for Halloween. One of my favorite holidays, and the day I got married.
All the best to you and yours.
I am so incredibly happy for you! I am looking forward to hearing about all your future joys!
OH
MY
GOD!
Helen, I am SO very happy for you! TWINS!
OH MY GOD! *bursting with happiness*
*****CONGRATULATIONS***** Helen and Angus!!!
OMG!!! I’m so very happy for you and Angus!!!! TWINS!!!! Eeeek (with joy)!!!
And how cool would it be to have your birthday on Halloween???!!!
Congrats – YOU DESERVE IT!
Wahooo!! ~breaks out streamers and annoying noisy things!~
I’m so happy for you two… four!
:-D
Hey, awesome! Congratulations!
Congratulations! I have enjoyed reading your blog over the last couple of years and I wish you and Angus and the twins all the love and happiness in the world.
*mwah* *mwah*
Yanno. Doubling up. ;-)
Congratulations. All the very best.
Lucky babies, to have such cool parents. Congratulations!!!
the baby shower things sounds like a really good idea :)
abs x
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful news!! I am so very happy for you both!! :-)
Oh My Gosh, I miss reading for a day and this is what happens? Helen, I’m in tears. I’m so very happy for you and Angus. I can just tell that you will be a wonderful Mommy. My best wishes and constant prayers for a healthy and happy pregnancy.
Hugs, Terry
Oh Helen!!!!!!!!!!
Angus!!!!!!
OH MY GOD!
Congratulations from the depths of my heart and soul!!!
I am thrilled for you!!!
CONGRATS!
*returns to lurking*
Those two little peanuts are truly blessed to be getting a family like yours.
*hugs*
That is amazing news! Congratulations!!
Holy. shit.
Oh, congratulations, congratulations, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
XOXOXO
congratulations! hope it continues to go well for you all :)
i remember you saying ages ago that half of your retrieved eggs would be donated, do you know if any other women have had good news as a result of that?
I have been reading your blog for a long time, Helen, and I am coming out of lurk-dom to say CONGRATULATIONS!!! This post made me SO happy. I know you will be a wonderful Mama to those two little ones. I’m just so excited for you. Don’t let the nay-sayers get you down, either. You know what’s best for your family. :-)